People With These 7 Habits Are Highly Successful, But Way Too Hard On Themselves
You can call it "discipline", but someday you may call it impossible.
Kaboompics | Canva We are our own worst critics, but some of us have a literal scoreboard in our head that's constantly giving us the thumbs down. It's like living with a movie review team in your head. This may be how you became so successful, but if you're consistently too hard on yourself, that success will be hard to maintain.
The people who are too hard on themselves care about their time on this planet, and that's a good thing. Where it becomes problematic is the intense self-criticism that sucks the joy out of life and the intense second-guessing. It also puts you at risk of exhaustion and collapse. Here's what to watch out for.
Seven tell-tale signs of a successful person who is way too hard on themselves
1. Their accomplishments are never enough
They got published somewhere huge. They landed the big raise. Their Master's thesis was accepted. It's all just bliss and kittens to everyone, except them.
Do you relate? You should have done X. You should have gotten 5K more in that raise. Did they approve of your thesis idea? Sure, but I bet they didn't love it.
This is the nonsense that goes on in your head. It's enough for everyone and you if only you would appreciate what you accomplished.
Life coach María Tomás-Keegan suggested "There's another voice in your head and you may need to clear away some of the fog, self-doubt, and fear to hear it. When you decide to change the channel inside your head, you can listen to more nurturing and supportive tunes. That’s when empowering words will come through, loud and clear, so that you feel capable, smart, and resourceful again."
2. You second-guess yourself
The person who's hard on themselves isn't only second-guessing but five, six, and seven times guessing every single thing. Often, they pretend they are confident with their choices, often puffing their chest out in public. All the while, to a few trusted confidants, they wonder if they're doing everything wrong.
3. They devalue their triumphs
They minimize successes with words like, "Oh it wasn't that big of a deal," "Everyone does it," or, "It's not as good as X"?
If this sounds like you, you need to ease up and learn to control your stress.
"Congratulate yourself, seriously," advised business consultant Susan Kulakowski. "Write down your accomplishments on paper (or another, possibly an electronic device). Remember that there's no "small" success — there's only success and the "small" successes are as meaningful as the "big" ones. One tool to consider is a "Done List" (rather than a "To-Do List") that you can use to record your daily successes."
4. They constantly compare themselves to others
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Their book was published, but it didn't hit the best-seller list like that famous author always does. Their kid won the spelling bee, but their brother's kid has won every spelling bee he's participated in.
Can you relate to the feeling that it's never enough? That even if you did an awesome job, you're always looking at the person next to you to see if she did even better?
This will rot your insides out like you swallowed battery acid. You won't let yourself live it down. The problem? There will always be someone prettier, smarter, funnier, more successful, and richer than you. Instead of competing against yourself, you compete with anyone and it's tiring.
5. They keep themselves awake at night
They work too late, numb out from exhaustion and stress, or simply lie awake worrying and don't get enough sleep. In the morning, they need a ton of caffeine to get going.
When you're hard on yourself you'll spend a lot of nights fretting and worrying, which means a lot of late-night TV and insomnia. Fun, isn't it?
6. They almost never take risks
Some people who are hard on themselves may forgo taking risks for fear of failure because they have to be perfect, as explored in Behaviour Research and Therapy. Taking a risk could mean not being perfect and that's a serious "no-no."
If risks make you panic, thinking you'll lose it all (even when you probably won't), you might be building your success on a tenuous foundation.
7. They're excessively hard on others
The critical nature of someone hard on themselves can be passed onto how they view others. If they want to be perfect, it's not unusual to expect a lot from the person's social network.
If you're hard on yourself like this, ask yourself these questions:
- How is this behavior helping me?
- When will I ever reach "good enough" status?
- Why do I feel less than you?
- How do these behaviors impede your life and those in your life?
- What have you missed out on by being hard on yourself?
- Is this something worth stressing over or can it go in the "let it go" pile? (Have two "piles" of thought: the "important" pile and the "let it go" pile. Things that matter to your life and function should go in the "important" pile, and things that really won't affect your happiness or others should go in the "let it go" pile.
Recognizing these things can help you tame the critical toxic monster in your head and give that beast the "move out" letter. You can't go on beating yourself up and hoping to have a happy life at the same time. The two don't meet. Don't waste your life; let go of your internal critic.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.