15 Tell-Tale Signs Someone's Only Pretending To Be Happy In A Relationship With You, According To Psychology
Your partner may want to break free, but doesn't know how to tell you.
Romario Roges | Canva Most of us go into relationships with the best of intentions. We put our best foot forward in the first few weeks or months and anticipate the relationship will grow and go the distance.
Sometimes, outside influences can attack our relationship, resulting in inevitable bumps in the road. At these times, we look at our partner and either deal favorably with conflict resolution or, sadly, our ego sometimes gets in the way, and we end up heading for a fall.
From financial issues to family stress, from the romantic gestures from an outsider at work to juggling the schedules of children — even job pressures can affect the best of relationships. Here are a few signs of a breakup, or if it's just a bump on the road that hopefully will become a distant memory.
Here are fifteen signs someone's only pretending to be happy in a relationship with you:
1. They stop sending regular text messages
If your significant other used to start their day with a good morning text and a good night text, but those have disappeared, chances are the relationship could be fizzling out.
2. Phone calls are reduced
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If your sweetie usually calls you routinely on their lunch break, while driving home from work, or before bedtime when you're not together, and the calls have been reduced to once a day or a few times a week, they may be disengaging from the relationship.
Reducing phone calls from a partner can significantly impact relationship satisfaction. A 2017 study found this often leads to feelings of neglect, insecurity, and a decreased sense of connection. The meaning behind a reduction in phone calls can vary depending on the context. For example, a temporary decrease in calls due to a busy work schedule might not be as concerning as a sudden and unexplained drop in communication.
3. Pet names disappear
They go from affectionately saying, "It's me!" to leaving messages with their first or full name, assuming the familiarity and romance are on their way out. Affectionate pet names are part of a relationship. It's what makes you unique as a couple and puts a smile on your face.
4. Plans are made without you in mind
If your routine is to see each other a few times a week and on weekends, then suddenly your significant other decides to go out for drinks with friends and go home alone instead of into your arms, assume they are creating more distance and are open to the possibilities of meeting someone else.
A partner frequently making plans without considering you can be a sign of poor communication, lack of respect, and potential relationship issues. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found this behavior can stem from underlying issues like poor boundaries, self-centeredness, or a lack of commitment to the relationship.
5. Talks about the future are put on hold
If you have been discussing living together or planning a vacation, and now you're not sure when you'll be getting together, your relationship suddenly might become a short-term affair. It's not with someone who wants to go the distance anymore.
6. Intimacy dissipates
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Having healthy intimacy creates bonding in a relationship. If your lover doubts the relationship, intimacy is often the first thing to disappear. When your love life goes from "hot" to "not," there's a possibility your partner is detaching from the relationship.
Intimacy in relationships can gradually fade over time due to habituation, a lack of intentional effort to maintain closeness, significant life changes, poor communication, unresolved conflicts, and a decline in shared activities. A 2022 study also suggests that neglecting emotional vulnerability and failing to adapt to changing needs within the partnership can contribute to a decline in intimacy.
7. They spend overnights alone at home
If you've been on a regular schedule of overnights with your sweetie and now sleep apart and alone, it's only a matter of time before the "I'm not feeling it" conversation follows.
8. PDA disappears
If you're the kind of affectionate couple who holds hands in public and loves cuddling at night, and suddenly you find yourself sleeping on your side of the bed, there could be trouble in paradise. If the welcome home kisses are no longer part of your regime, it's one of the signs of a looming breakup.
When a partner suddenly stops showing public displays of affection, it could signify a shift in their feelings towards the relationship, potential discomfort with social scrutiny, a desire for more privacy, relationship issues, or simply a change in personal preference.
A Frontiers in Psychology study found that communicating openly with your partner is crucial to understanding the underlying reason, as a decrease in PDA alone doesn't definitively indicate a problem without context.
9. Grooming habits change
From getting a surprise Brazilian bikini wax, sporting an unmentioned new hairstyle, spontaneously joining a gym, starting a new diet on a whim, to getting a new wardrobe at the drop of a hat. When your significant other starts to change their looks without warning and takes more time to focus on their appearance, they might have someone in mind other than you.
10. They become attached to their phone
If suddenly your sweetheart pays more attention to their phone than you, if they stare at text messages and spend more time on social media while sitting next to you, you have just become lower in priority than their smartphone. If they go into another room to secretly respond to a text or a phone call or turn their phone upside down so you won't see who's texting or calling, there's probably trouble in paradise.
Phubbing (phone snubbing) significantly negatively impacts relationships, leading to decreased relationship satisfaction, feelings of disconnection, and increased conflict when a partner frequently checks their phone during conversations or interactions. A 2023 study published in Current Psychology found this behavior is often associated with perceived disrespect and lower-quality communication within a relationship.
11. Titles disappear
If you've been introduced as the girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner and suddenly you're being introduced, "This is Janet," there could be trouble on the horizon, or you might be moving into the friend zone.
12. Their online dating profile is reactivated
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If you met online but unplugged your profiles to be exclusive, don't be surprised when one of you starts fishing to look for Plan B. Typically, before a breakup, someone may view their options before making a clean break.
Discovering a partner's active online dating profile often evokes feelings of betrayal, decreased trust, questions about the relationship's commitment level, and potential damage to self-esteem.
The severity of these effects depends on the individual's relationship dynamics and perception of the partner's actions. A recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology highlighted the importance of open communication to address such concerns and navigate the situation constructively.
13. Social media contact disappears
If your partner loved staring at your posts and comments to feel closer to you while at work, and suddenly they are liking and commenting on everyone else's posts instead of yours, know you're slowly being removed from their life and are a step away from being unfriended so you can't see their whereabouts.
14. Invitations are declined
If your social calendar is filled with fun events to attend every week and suddenly your sweetie declines to go with you, even though they have nothing else on the calendar for that night, it's a tell-tale sign they're pulling away and don't see you in their future.
Relationship quality, personality traits, and attachment styles can influence how a person reacts to a partner declining an invitation. Declining an invitation can be perceived as a form of rejection, even when the reason for declining is unrelated to a lack of interest in the partner. To mitigate potential negative feelings, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recommended that communicating the reason for declining an invitation can help the partner understand the situation better.
15. Thoughts of breaking up have crept up
If the thought of breaking up is on your mind, you've put together your pros and cons list about your relationship, or you think you might need some space, chances are your sweetie may be thinking the same. The end may be near.
What should you do if you can relate to most items on this list? Before you toss your relationship away, understand that feelings can fluctuate. If the flow has been disrupted by most of these relationship issues, you might be headed for Splitsville.
Before you pull out the tissue box and think it's over, take the time to talk to your partner about how important they are in your life. Acknowledge a shift in the relationship has happened and ask if any outside stressors are affecting the two of you. One of you might still be brewing about something that happened over a month ago, so an apology needs to be made if your partner feels resentful about something or misunderstood.
Acknowledge how affectionate you used to be and let your partner know you miss those warm and fuzzy happy times and would love to get back on track. Take the time to listen to your partner’s concerns. If you think this is a relationship worth fighting for, let your partner know you don’t want to make an impulsive and abrupt decision about calling it quits that you might regret. Ask how you can help bring back the romance in your life.
If your partner isn't feeling it for you anymore, don't fight it or try to change their mind. Thank them for the memories and start the healing process. I know it hurts to have another failed relationship, but I also know someone special is out there waiting for you. You just haven't met them yet.
Julie Spira is America's top online dating expert and Mobile Dating Expert.