6 Subtle Signs Your Relationship Has Been Over From The Start, According To Psychology
Your relationship was over before it even began.
KatarzynaBialasiewicz | Canva Breakups happen. It’s a fact baked into every relationship: all relationships come to an end until one doesn’t. Sometimes the breakup comes screaming out of the clear blue sky while other times it’s like watching an oncoming train and knowing you’ll never get out of the way in time. But not every relationship ends with a loud and dramatic climax. Sometimes the end has already come and nobody has noticed.
Your relationship is shuffling along like a zombie, putting on the empty performance of being a couple even as your hopes and dreams quietly bleed into despair. Sometimes there’s that vague sense that things are wrong as you both try to half-heartedly keep things going because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? After all, it can be hard to pull the trigger on that breakup, even when you know it needs to happen.
However, there comes a point when everyone needs to realize that the patient is dead and there’s no amount of CPR, couple’s therapy, lingerie, or weekend getaways that can bring it back.
Here are 6 signs your relationship has been over from the start, according to psychology:
1. You've never communicated well
Timur Weber / Pexels
Communication is vital for a relationship’s success, psychology tells us. After all, nobody’s a mind-reader, and expecting your partner to just be able to divine your wants and needs is a one-way trip to frustration and disappointment. However, there’s a difference between communicating and “filling the air with noise.”
We tend to mistake “talking” for communicating and strive to cover those moments of silence with verbal flack as though it were a way of chasing relationship difficulties away. In practice though, it doesn’t matter if you can coexist in companionable silence or if you chatter away like a pair of extroverted cockatoos as long as you can express your needs clearly to one another.
When everybody is talking but nobody’s connecting, you’ve got problems. And if the two of you can’t find a way to bridge that gap, then the relationship is dead in the water.
It doesn’t matter how long your conversations can go for if it’s all surface. If you can’t ask for what you want or need or open up about how you feel, then your relationship is functionally over. It doesn’t matter if you feel like it’s something you’re not “allowed” to want or if you’re afraid that if you ask, the answer will be “no.”
It doesn’t matter if making your needs clear will result in a fight; avoiding or ending a conflict doesn’t make a relationship stronger if nothing is resolved and frankly, some fights need to happen. Sometimes conflict is how you move things forward. If you don’t have the emotional space and security to make yourself heard and be understood, then it’s time to move on.
2. You go from fight to fight
Antoni Shkraba / Pexels
No couple, no matter how perfectly in synch or love they may be, can avoid fighting. As long as you have two separate people, you’re going to have conflict. For some couples, the “explode at one another, then passionate make-up intimacy” is part of their dynamic and they’re just fine with it.
But there are the occasional flare-ups that are part of every relationship and then there are the relationships where those moments of quiet aren’t tranquility, it’s the calm before the storm. When your relationship has become a never-ending string of arguments, grievances, and all-out fights, then you’re looking at a relationship that’s gone past its expiration date.
Going from fight to fight is a surefire sign that something has gone wrong at the core of your relationship and neither of you is managing to address it. Maybe you’re unwilling to admit that you were wrong. Maybe they can’t quite bring themselves to let go of previous arguments and they’ve been storing up slights and affronts like prize tickets from passive-aggressive games of emotional skeeball and now they’re ready to get the giant stuffed teddy bear of I-Am-Less-Wrong-Than-You-Therefore-I-Win.
It’s worth noting that fighting doesn’t just mean raised voices and harsh words. The fact that you’re not yelling doesn’t mean that you’re avoiding a fight or that you’re their emotional superior.
“U mad bro” doesn’t work online and it certainly has no place in relationships. Cold contempt, snide comments, or old-fashioned petulantly ignoring your partner are just as emotionally damaging forms of conflict as a knock-down, drag-out, neighbors-called-the-cops argument. Content, research from the Gottman Institute, is a relationship killer.
It’s still emotional violence and it takes chunks out of your heart and soul, and the only way to heal is to quit trying to affix blame or get the upper hand and just leave. And while we’re talking about storing up resentments…
3. There’s no trust, and nothing gets forgiven
RDNE Stock project / Pexels
One of the hardest things to accept in relationships is that nobody is perfect and people are going to mess up. Sometimes the mess-up is painful but something that can be worked around.
Other times, that mess-up is egregious enough to be a relationship Extinction Level Event. Trust is necessary to get through the hard parts of a relationship, according to research from 2015.
All too often there are times when we feel obligated to say all the right things and go through all the motions but we never actually let things heal. Saying you forgive someone or that you’re forgiven sounds lovely but it doesn’t mean anything if there’s no forgiveness involved.
It’s one thing when the wounds are still raw. It’s another when there have been good faith efforts to repair the damage and move on and you or your partner just can’t or won’t move past it.
Many times, toxic partners will withhold their forgiveness as a means of revenge or control. Other times, they simply will perpetually hold the relationship hostage as a method of ensuring “good” behavior. If you’re always looking for evidence of future transgressions or your past sins are continually brought up as a weapon against you, then it’s clear that the damage was far too great, no matter what anyone says.
4. Nothing ever gets resolved
RDNE Stock project / Pexels
Of course, not all conflicts in relationships look like fights. Sometimes those conflicts are the absence of progress, where no matter what you do, nothing ever changes. You can talk until you’re blue in the face.
You have discussion after discussion. You can fight and yell and scream. You can even prove your points with charts and graphs.
The worst times, of course, are when your partner even agrees with you that things need to change. They go through all the motions and say all the right words, and for a moment, you feel like maybe you’ve reached a breakthrough.
But then reality sets back in when those promised changes never happen. Ever.
Now you’re stuck at the awkward intersection of having yet another discussion about the matter, possibly even a full-blown fight with all the awkwardness and emotional distress that entails… or you just give up because what’s the point? Love is a choice that has to be made every day, something 64% of Americans from a YouGov poll agree with, and if there's no left to choose, it's time to walk away.
Maybe they’re trying to keep control in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Maybe they just don’t care enough to change anything. Doesn’t matter. Whether you can’t or won’t address the underlying problems, the best thing for both of you is to make a clean break of it.
5. You want it to be over
RDNE Stock project / Pexels
Many people linger in broken or flatlining relationships because they’re looking for something they can point to as a reason to leave. Ironically enough, this is the surest sign that the relationship is over; it’s over because you’ve decided it is. One University of Toronto study claims that most people stay in unhappy relationships for fear of the unknown.
Something that a lot of people forget is you don’t need proof that a relationship is over or that you need a sign that it’s time to go. They know what they want – to break up with their partner — but they’re looking for something that will permit them, something they can point to and say “There! That’s why I’m allowed to end this.”
But at the end of the day, the only reason you need to end a relationship is that you want out. No breakup court’s going to veto your choice to leave and demand you come back with proof. Relationships aren’t the launch codes on nuclear submarines; you don’t need both parties to turn the keys to finally pull the trigger on the breakup.
You don’t need to be in a relationship one second longer than you want to be. Once you’ve decided that you want out, you’re allowed to leave. Don’t sacrifice your happiness or your time in a search for an “acceptable” sign or reason for ending things. Once you realize the relationship is over, then do what needs to be done: end it, quickly and cleanly.
6. You settled for each other
Anna Shvets / Pexels
We all know that one couple, the one that makes each other miserable but they're all they have. They might have loved each other once, but now they're unhappy and feel that they're in too deep. One study found that 73% of married couples settled in their relationships.
The only reason you're together is because you didn't think you could get any better. You wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer but ended up living 30 minutes from your parents in a small apartment with your partner because at least you're not alone.
The only way this type of relationship will end is with resentment. It's okay to want more in life and from your relationships.
Harris O'Malley is an internationally recognized blogger, writer, and dating coach who gives dating advice to all who need it.