8 Signs Your Parents Didn't Give You Enough Attention And It's Affecting You Now
Emotional neglect in your youth can have devastating effects in adulthood.
Nazarii Ortynskyi | Shutterstock The way your parents treated you as a child has a major impact on your life as an adult.
If you were given unconditional love and support, it's highly likely you have strong emotional intelligence and are able to maintain a secure attachment style. However, if you struggle to maintain stable relationships or have low self-esteem, it's possible that your parents didn't meet your needs in childhood.
The signs your parents didn't give you enough attention might not be overtly obvious, but if you pay close attention to your patterns and behavior, you'll be able to tell if you were neglected or ignored as a child.
Here are 8 signs your parents didn't give you enough attention and it's affecting you now
1. You have difficulty setting boundaries
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If your parents didn't give you enough attention as a child, it's highly possible that you have a hard time setting limits as an adult, because you weren't taught how to do so growing up. You might worry that establishing boundaries will lead to people leaving you, yet having boundaries is an essential part of taking care of yourself and your relationships
Therapist Merle Yost explained that a person's childhood can shape their boundaries because "We believe our family's patterns are 'just how it is.'" Yost noted, "It takes commitment to change a family pattern. Examining, probing, questioning, and accepting what you uncover is the beginning of healing and solidifying your boundaries."
Setting boundaries isn't easy, but once you begin to think about the reasons why you struggle to do so, you'll be able to start establishing them.
2. You fear being abandoned
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Another sign your parents didn't give you enough attention is that you're constantly concerned that people will abandon you. It's possible that you hold on tight to relationships, even the ones that don't fully serve you. Your parents' incapability to meet your emotional needs as a child still affects you today, in that you developed an anxious attachment style.
Your fear of being left by the people you care about plays out in how you form relationships. Philosophy professor Brit Brogaard explained that having a dependent or anxious attachment style "is characterized by a strong need for constant validation from others, especially partners and friends." She noted that this attachment style can push people away, thereby leading to the exact outcome a person with anxious attachment was trying to avoid.
Brogaard shared that once a person realizes that they have an anxious attachment style, they can begin to modify their behavior to achieve a more secure style of attachment. "Ensure that there is a balance in the relationship, whether the relationship is a close friendship or a romantic relationship," she advised.
3. You have trouble regulating your emotions
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If your parents didn't give you enough attention, chances are they didn't teach you how to regulate your emotions, which means you have trouble doing so as an adult. You might get easily overwhelmed in stressful situations and have a hard time calming yourself down. Your inability to emotionally regulate might rear its head in moments where you feel as though others aren't supporting you, bringing you back to how you felt in childhood.
There are various steps you can take to learn how to regulate your emotions, including acknowledging what it is that you're feeling. If you try to push your feelings down or ignore them the way you did as a child, you won't be able to move through them. Other tactics for emotional regulation include going outside, taking a walk, and practicing breathing exercises.
While a lack of parental attention might influence you in adulthood, you don't have to stay stuck in that place, and you can heal your inner child by teaching yourself what your parents weren't able to do.
4. You have trust issues
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Being neglected emotionally as a child can lead to having trust issues as an adult. It might be hard for you to fully trust the people in your life, as you have a hard time believing that they genuinely care about you.
If you weren't able to rely on your parents to show up for you how you needed them to, it's highly likely that your level of expectations for other people is exceedingly low. You might expect people to let you down, or not be there for you when you need support.
Carrying your childhood trust issues into adulthood can make it hard to form truly intimate bonds with people. You might have a consistent fear that people will walk away from you when things get difficult, because that's what your parents did. Voicing these fears is the first step to overcoming them, and learning to let people in little by little can help you create strong relationships.
5. You're scared of rejection
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Another sign your parents didn't give you enough attention and it's affecting you now is that you have an overwhelming fear of being rejected. While this fear can manifest in various ways, you might find that you avoid social situations as a self-protective measure or that you hold the belief that you can only rely on yourself, because other people won't be there for you.
You might withdraw when the going gets tough, which makes maintaining long-term relationships especially difficult. Your behavior patterns in adulthood reflect your childhood trauma, but they don't have to stay that way. While being hyper-independent and avoiding asking for help might seem like it's safe, in reality, it keeps you cut off from other people. As a result, you feel very lonely, even though what you really want is connection.
6. You're an overachiever
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If your parents didn't give you enough attention, or they only showed you conditional love when you accomplished something, it's highly possible that you became an overachiever as an adult. The attention you did receive was based around your success, which means you internalized the need to always be perfect.
As life coach Ellen Nyland explained, "Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawlessness and the setting of unattainably high standards, often accompanied by self-criticism and fear of failure." She added that signs of being a perfectionist include being highly self-critical when you make a mistake, having trouble accepting constructive criticism, and never feeling like you're good enough.
Nyland noted that by being a perfectionist, "You're essentially robbing yourself of the joy and satisfaction that comes with recognizing your accomplishments, leading to a perpetual cycle of feeling never quite 'good enough.'"
It isn't easy to release perfectionist tendencies, yet Nyland advised starting off by making a list of priorities, taking time to relax, and asking for help when you need it, so you don't feel like you have to do everything alone.
7. You don't make independent decisions
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If you have a hard time making decisions without the approval of other people, it could be a sign your parents didn't give you enough attention and it's affecting you now. You didn't learn to trust your own intuition, which makes you question yourself and your judgment. You might struggle with analysis paralysis when it comes to making tough choices, which means you essentially shut down when faced with a difficult decision.
Because your parents didn't guide you or teach you how to trust yourself, you entered adulthood not knowing how to make your own independent decisions. You might be dependent on other people to decide things for you, which can make you feel like you lack agency over your own life.
You can break yourself of the habit by tuning into what your body is telling you. Start by making small decisions that have low impact, like what you want to eat for dinner or how you want to spend your time over the weekend. Paying attention to what you want will help you learn who you really are, and allow you to establish an identity all of your own.
8. You struggle with self-doubt
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Everyone experiences moments of self-doubt, but if you find that you always feel worthless, it's a sign that your parents didn't give you enough attention and it's affecting you now. It's highly likely that you internalized the emotional neglect your parents imparted on you, and now, you think you're not good enough or worthy of love and care.
Breaking apart the negative feedback loop telling you that you aren't enough isn't easy, but it's essential for experiencing true self-love and self-compassion. Remind yourself that you don't need to repeat your parents' mistakes, and you can show up for yourself in ways they weren't able or willing to do.
Overcoming self-doubt can be a long and difficult process, but by retraining your internal voice to be kind and gentle when you make mistakes, you can give yourself the love you need and learn to believe in yourself as a fully worthy human being.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.