11 Things Dads Of Adult Children Secretly Worry About But Never Say Out Loud
You may be grown up, but your dad still worries about you more than you know.
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock Dads are the quiet champions of their kids' lives, guiding them toward becoming the people they want to be. Dads are masters of bedtime and bath time and wiping away tears. They might not always know what to say, but they enter each conversation with love and compassion for their children.
Dads teach their kids how to ride a bike without training wheels, running behind them the whole time, beaming with pride. Even when their kids fell down, dads knew they would always be there to pick them up. When their kids grow older, dads have to learn to take a step back, but there are still many things dads of adult children secretly worry about but never say out loud.
Here are 11 things dads of adult children secretly worry about but never say out loud
1. If their kids will ask for help when they need it
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Dads worry about their kids’ well-being, even when they’re all grown up and out of the house. Parents are their kids' protectors, and that doesn’t end just because they’re adults now, sometimes with kids of their own.
Like all worries, the things dads of adult children secretly worry about are rarely in their control. What dads want to know most is whether their kids will still ask them for help, even though they have independent lives. As proud as dads are of their adult children, they still want to feel relevant. They still want to support them, in any way they can.
2. Their kids’ happiness
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When their kids were young, dads worried about the little things. Are they eating enough vegetables? Are they getting enough calcium? Will they leave for college eating only pasta with butter? As the years pass, they learn to let go of the smaller things. Dads know that they did everything they could to send their kids out into the world as successful adults, but they secretly worry if their kids are happy.
Sometimes, dads turn those worries inwards, and ask themselves if they did enough to give their kids a happy childhood. They hope their kids feel fulfilled with their lives and satisfied with the decisions they’ve made so far. They know how heavy regret can be to carry, and they want their kids to live for themselves, and no one else.
3. Their kids’ financial stability
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Dads see themselves as providers, which doesn’t stop after their kids are adults. No matter what job their kids have, dads worry about their adult children’s economic stability. They might be retired now, but dads know how hard it can be to build up a sense of financial security, especially now, basic things like rent and groceries are more expensive than ever. Dads want to help their kids get a head start in an increasingly shaky world, which sometimes means offering financial support.
Certified financial therapist Nathan Astle described the concept of “financial scaffolding” as something parents can put into place with their adult children. Just like the physical version, financial scaffolding “allows people to be elevated and strategically positioned and provides much-needed maintenance on things in hard-to-reach places.”
“Financial scaffolding involves many things, such as responsibility, accountability, and growth,” he explained. “The key to financial scaffolding is understanding that the end goal is for the child to thrive independently,” he explained.
“The foundation of the financial scaffolding structure is [based on] the idea that money is not a power tool in a family relationship but an instrument of love,” Astle concluded.
4. Whether their kids have happy marriages
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Dads definitely can’t control who their kids get married to, yet they still secretly worry whether or not their kids chose the right partner. While it’s a valid worry to have, it’s not something dads should say out loud, unless their kids are in an unsafe relationship. They’re allowed to have concerns, but they should get too emotionally involved in their adult children' s marriages.
Psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten warned parents against being over-invested in their adult kids’ lives.
“No matter how natural it is to want to keep your kids close, it is essential to keep a balanced view and see your children as separate people who are eventually going to grow up and have their own lives,” she explained.
Overly involved parents often “think that they will always be there to help the adult child with all life tasks of adulthood, [which] leads to two things: an adult child who relies on the parent to the extent that their spouse is edged out of the picture, and a parent who cannot function if an adult child asserts boundaries or decides to live in a very different way than the parent predicted.”
5. Their kids’ ability to handle setbacks
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Kids can’t learn how to pick themselves back up after falling down if their parents don’t let them. Even though dads give their adult kids room to make mistakes with grace, they still worry if their kids are resilient enough to face all of life’s challenges.
According to transformational parenting coach Mia Von Scha, parents who teach their kids how to handle failure raise successful adults.
“This would be my number one rule for raising creative and successful kids,” she revealed. “Parents should learn how to raise kids who aren't afraid to fail. If you’re afraid to fail, you will never try anything new or different.”
“We need our children to see that when they (or we) fail this does not make us ‘failures,’ she explained. “It makes us people who are willing to try.”
She shared that parents can cultivate resilience in their kids by helping them to develop a growth mindset. They can guide their kids to see mistakes as a stepping stone to learning more about themselves and the world they live in.
“Certain ways of thinking shut down creativity and success,” von Scha shared. “Statements like ‘I can’t’ or ‘That’s impossible’ tell our brains to stop working on the problem because there is no point in wasting energy on it.”
“Redirect your children into saying, ‘How can I?’” she advised. “Suddenly multiple possibilities open up where before there were none.”
6. Their kids’ mental health
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Dads of adult kids secretly worry about their mental health, just like they did when their kids were young. They recognize that they can’t be responsible for anyone else’s emotional experience, but they want their kids to thrive, not just survive. Dads worry that their kids are anxious or depressed. They worry that their kids are way too stressed out and overwhelmed.
Dads might not be able to erase the stress their adult children feel, but they can be a pillar of support and a shoulder to lean on. According to Australian parenting website RaisingChildren, stress might be unavoidable, but people get to decide how they want to react to it.
“Unhelpful thinking makes it harder to deal with stressful things… But you can replace unhelpful thinking with realistic thinking, which can improve your mood and your ability to cope,” they explained.
They shared techniques to reframe how you handle stress, like challenging unhelpful thoughts, channeling your inner compassion, and speaking to yourself with grace. Instead of isolating yourself, reach out to loved ones. Dads might not say it out loud, but they want to be the one you call when you’re stressed, just so they can tell you that it will be okay.
7. Whether their kids forgive their mistakes
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Dads know they did in their capacity to show up for their kids, but they still secretly worry if their adult children will forgive the mistakes they made in their younger years.
“Even when they do their best, parents fall short regardless and there will be memories and experiences that children find hurtful,” psychology PhD candidate Lauren Cook explained. “There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.”
No matter how many parenting books a person reads, there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to raising kids, and all parents cause their kids harm, at one point or another. Yet the most important part of making parenting mistakes is what comes after: Repair. By accepting their adult children’s experience, dads keep showing up, and that’s what matters most.
8. Whether their kids are taking care of themselves
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Even though dads know that their adult children can get dinner on the table and pay bills on time, they secretly worry about their ability to care for themselves beyond the basic necessities. They worry that their kids cope with stress in self-destructive ways, instead of focusing on balanced self-care.
Self-care is more than just a nice thing to do for yourself, it’s also a source of emotional resilience. As PBS Kids shared, self-care means “building in sustainable routines of taking breaks, naming feelings, and caring for your body.”
“Self-care deliberately sets aside time to recenter and calm ourselves, fostering healthy habits for our minds and feelings,” they explained. Kids aren’t born knowing how to take care of themselves, and they need more than just the food, water, and band-aids for their skinned knees. They need to know that they are worthy of love and care, not just from others, but from themselves.
9. Whether their kids are making the right choices
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Dads might not say it out loud, but they miss the days when their kids relied on them for pretty much everything. They liked being depended on, and they took pride in knowing that they were helping their kids walk the right path. Now that their kids are adults, dads worry about their choices. They want their adult kids to make informed decisions, but they know that offering unsolicited advice won’t actually change their kids’ minds.
As therapist Dr. Joanne Stern pointed out, “Allowing your kids to rise and fall on their own lets them know you believe they are self-reliant and capable.”
“Be there for them. But give them the opportunity to fix their own blunders. It tells them that you can count on them to take good care of themselves,” she advised.
“More than anything, adult children want to know that their parents have confidence in them,” she shared. “The most nurturing things you can say or do are those that let your kids know you believe in them.”
10. Their kids’ plans for the future
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Dads secretly worry about their kids’ future, no matter how old they are. Even if they want to map out their adult children’s entire future, dads know they don’t actually get a say in how their kids’ lives unfold. All they can do is equip them with the practical and emotional tools they’ll need to chart their own course.
Dads who put pressure on their kids to follow their footsteps deny them the chance to determine their own lives. Even if that pressure is well-meaning, it holds their kids back from being true adults. As Dr. Stern noted, part of being a good parent to adult kids means letting go.
“As parents, you may think you know the answers for their lives,” she explained. “After all, you know your kids better than anyone.”
“Listening to their opinions is more helpful than giving advice,” she shared. “It lets them know you believe they are competent to think things through and make their own decisions.”
11. Their kids’ sense of self-worth
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Dads secretly worry that their adult kids don’t feel confident or self-assured. They want their kids to know just how proud they are. They want their kids to know that they don’t have to prove themselves. As much as dads want their adult children to be successful, more than that, they just want them to feel fulfilled.
Dads want their kids to know how strong and capable they really are. They worry that life’s twists and turns have erased the spark their kids had when they were young. When dads tell their adult children that they’re exactly enough, just as they are, they mean it, from the deepest part of their hearts.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.