Adult Children Who Do These 10 Things Are Actually Taking Their Parents For Granted
They may not do it on purpose, but it's still incredibly hurtful to their parents.
shurkin_son | Shutterstock All relationships go through periods of transformation. A marked change happens when kids grow up, leave the house, and embark on their own journey. For some adult children, being apart from their parents makes their connection stronger, but for others, the separation strains their relationship.
Some adult children stop calling, visit less often, and dismiss their parents' needs. Adult children who do these things are actually taking their parents for granted, even if they aren't doing it on purpose.
Adult children who do these 10 things are actually taking their parents for granted
1. They only reach out when they need something
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Adult children who only get in touch with their parents when they need something are taking them for granted. In childhood, parents provide for their kids' needs, which involves showing up for them emotionally and giving practical and often monetary support.
Yet as their kids grow up and establish their independence, that expectation inevitably shifts. Parents offer their children the necessary tools to take care of themselves as adults, which is why they feel taken advantage of when their adult children still expect to be given everything they want.
According to experts from Maplewood Counseling Practice, people in transactional relationships see every interaction as "a series of exchanges, expecting a fair return for investments made." They shared that parent-child relationships can easily fall into a transactional trap, noting that cultivating open communication and an attitude of empathy can help parents and their kids avoid a transactional pattern.
"While mutuality is vital to the health of a relationship, a strictly transactional view falls short of sustaining deep, emotional connections," they explained. "The balance sheet of familial love should ideally remain untallied, a testament to the trust and cohesion that binds the family unit."
Balanced relationships between adult children and their parents are based on mutual respect and love, and when those things don't exist, parents tend to feel taken for granted.
2. They blame their parents for their problems
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While there's truth to the concept that our families of origin impact how we develop and form relationships, adult children who blame their parents for every issue they have are actually taking them for granted. All parents make mistakes, and adult children who declare that those mistakes are the sole reason for all their troubles avoid taking agency for their own lives.
Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore PhD pointed out that exploring how family history impacts your present-day life can be useful, but "staying focused on blaming your parents keeps you stuck in the past."
"Dwelling on your parent's mistakes can be defensive, and it may be easier than facing your fears, disappointments, and uncertainties about your own life decisions," she concluded.
Part of being an adult is taking ownership of your life's direction and acknowledging that you're responsible for your own happiness. When adult children continue to cast blame on their parents for how they feel, it shows a lack of accountability and emotional maturity.
3. They don't express gratitude
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Making sacrifices is an unavoidable part of parenting, but it's important for parents to feel acknowledged for everything they've done. Adult children take their parents for granted when they don't express gratitude, which can cause an emotional rift and deep resentment.
According to a study from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, expressing gratitude is essential for a family to function. Researchers found that parents experienced less stress when they received gratitude from their children.
"There's a lot of work that goes into making 'family' happen — parenting, marriage, couple relationships, and so on — for any and every family. And when those efforts go unacknowledged or underappreciated, it takes a toll on individuals and families," said professor Allen Barton, the study's lead author.
"It's never 50/50 in any relationship and parents are going to be doing more than their kids, but nevertheless, our results highlight that making sure individuals' efforts for the family are acknowledged and appreciated by other family members is important," he explained.
While it's easy to overlook everything parents do for their kids, even in adulthood, a simple "thank you" goes an incredibly long way to show appreciation and support.
4. They don't acknowledge their parents' feelings
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It can be hard to see parents as anything other than parents, but denying their feelings is a way that adult children take their parents for granted.
While children, even adult children, aren't responsible for their parents' feelings, pretending their feelings don't even exist is hurtful and harmful. Everyone deserves to be emotionally validated, even the people who raised you.
Adult children who center their own feelings and ignore their parents' experience reveal how self-centered and emotionally immature they really are. Parents deserve to have their humanity recognized. They deserve to be listened to, even when it's hard.
Adult children who acknowledge their parents' feelings give them the truly meaningful gift of unconditional support and care.
5. They dismiss their parents' advice
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When their kids are young, parents act as their guiding light. They teach them right from wrong and help them make hard decisions. They provide a foundation for kids to establish their values and figure out how they want to live. While part of being an independent requires adult children to separate from their parents, dismissing their advice shows they're taking their parents for granted.
While adult children don't have to take their parents' advice, they should accept their guidance in a gracious way. Brushing them off or criticizing them for offering advice makes adult children seem unappreciative, and it shows that they're misinterpreting their parents' attempts to help them out.
6. They expect their parents to be perfect
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Adult children who hold their parents to impossible standards by wanting them to show up perfectly in every situation are taking their parents for granted. Their expectations for perfection deny their parents any leeway or grace, or the understanding that their parents are people, too.
As Kennedy-Moore shared, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. "Parents are human, and the job of being a parent is difficult," she explained. "Raising children can be a joy, but it's also exhausting, stressful, frustrating, tedious, and unrelenting. Parents have other demands, such as jobs, housework, meals, carpools, and other family obligations that pull their attention and energy in different directions."
Even with the best intentions, damage can still be done, and parents aren't immune to that. The more adult children accept their parents' inherent flaws, the more they recognize their humanity.
7. They resent when their parents set boundaries
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Parents deserve to set boundaries just as much as any other person, even with their own children. If adult children are incapable or unwilling to respect their parents' limits, they're taking them for granted. Adult children who expect their parents to drop everything for them are putting themselves first in a way that can damage the relationship they have with each other.
There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries, even when parents do so with their kids. As psychologist Guy Winch shared, "Setting boundaries is both protective and assertive." By setting boundaries, "You're taking action to protect your emotional health," Winch explained. "As such, setting boundaries is about you and your needs and not (necessarily) a condemnation of the other person."
While it isn't easy, setting boundaries with family members is a way for people to take care of themselves and honor their inner peace.
8. They ignore their parents' needs
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It can be difficult for adult children to acknowledge that their parents are getting older, but when they ignore their parents' changing needs, they're actually taking them for granted. They might not want to hear about their aches and pains or be the chauffeur to their weekly doctor's appointments, but pretending that their parents don't have needs is disrespectful and unfair.
Adult children who disregard their parents' aging aren't honoring an essential truth: No one lives forever, and we need to appreciate the time we get together and take care of each other as best we can.
9. They don't apologize when they're wrong
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Adult children who don't own their mistakes and say sorry when they've hurt their parents are taking them for granted. While forgiveness is never a guarantee, learning to apologize is a key part of being in charge of your emotional experience.
As psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson shared on YourTango's "Getting Open" podcast, "It was only in my ability to forgive my father that I was able to see the humanity in him, that then enabled me to forgive myself, and then admit that I am wrong."
"It's so easy for me to say 'I'm sorry' now, because I have forgiven somebody who's harmed me," he continued. "If you hold resentment for someone who's harmed you, you can't really take accountability for the ways you've harmed somebody."
10. They don't say 'I love you'
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Parents want their adult children to express affection and remind them that they're cared for. While it's common for adult children to assume their parents know how much they love them without actually saying those words out loud, that lack of outward expression is a sign they're actually taking their parents for granted.
Love is the core component of family connection, and parents need to hear those three essential words, just as much as their kids need to hear them, too.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.