11 Things Parents Teach Kids About Adulthood That Are Actually Lies
Growing up we start to see that some of our parents' lessons about adulthood might not tell the whole story.
Iryna Inshyna | Shutterstock The role of a parent changes as their kids grow. Parents are tasked with keeping kids safe physically and emotionally when they are young. They teach their kids practical lessons, like looking both ways before they cross the street and using their words rather than their fists whenever they're upset.
Those lessons lay the groundwork for kids to become responsible adults. Still, parents don’t know everything, as their kids are sure to point out. Growing up involves realizing that certain things parents teach kids about adulthood are actually lies. Most of the time, those lies come from a place of good intentions. Accepting that life won’t always unfold as their parents taught them is essential to becoming emotionally mature.
Here are 11 things parents teach their kids about adulthood that are actually lies:
1. You're supposed to have it all figured out by 18
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If there’s anything parents are experts in, it’s worrying about their kids’ future. They worry about their kids’ health and happiness. Parents fear their kids will lose their way in the world, so they tell their kids that they need to know what they want to do by age 18.
Parents often put undue pressure on their kids to have a life plan before they get to college. They expect their kids to have their major picked out and to know what job they want once they graduate. Yet the truth is that college is a stepping stone, not the finish line.
Kids don’t have to have their whole life figured out by the time they graduate high school. Most adults spend the majority of their lives figuring things out. Kids deserve the chance to learn who they are, away from their parents, which means sometimes, they’ll stumble and fall and change directions, and that’s okay. It’s part of becoming who they’re meant to be.
2. You’ll know when you find 'the one'
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Of all the things parents teach their kids about adulthood that are actually lies, the idea that they’ll “just know” when they find their soulmate is one of the more harmful lies they perpetuate. The idea that everyone finds one person who’s perfect for them is a lie.
The truth is that no one is perfect, and no two people are perfect for each other. A healthy adult relationship is grounded in a couple's decision to show up for each other, even though they’re flawed. Falling in love isn’t magic. Falling in love at first sight is a fairytale. It usually doesn’t lead to a stable relationship even when it happens.
3. Adulthood means you'll always know what to do
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Parents tell their kids that they’ll have everything figured out once they grow up, which is actually a lie. Growing up is exciting, but it’s also an inherently scary process. For most kids, the idea that they have to navigate the world’s challenges on their own is entirely intimidating. Parents tell their kids that they’ll have it all figured out when they get older to ease their kids’ fears about the future.
Parents want the best for their kids. They do everything they can to mold their kids into resilient, confident people, but telling them that being an adult means they'll always know what to do can cause more harm than good.
“Adulthood is not about reaching an endpoint,” psychologist Seth Gillihan explained. “It doesn’t require that you have everything figured out but that you keep going even though you don’t.”
He described the experience of adulthood as “making the best choices you can and owning the consequences—without knowing for sure if you’re doing it right. It’s facing the pain and possibility that each day brings, even when you feel afraid. It means losing your peace of mind and rediscovering it again and again.”
4. You have to be married by your 30s
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Parents teach their kids that they should be married by the time they’re 30, which is actually a lie. Social norms shift with each generation, impacting how people enter relationships. Attitudes around marriage have changed significantly, which means people aren’t getting married as young as they used to.
Data from the U.S. Census revealed just how much marriage conventions have shifted. In 1980, the average age for men to be married was 25, and the average age for women was 22. Now, the average age that men marry is 30, and for women, it’s 28.
According to psychology professor Laurence Steinberg, “the timetable of young adulthood has been pushed forward, and the single transitional event that has been pushed forward the most is marriage.”
There’s no time limit on relationships, no matter how much parents pressure their kids to get married.
5. Hard work always equals success
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It’s a hard truth to accept, but working hard doesn’t always lead to success, despite what parents teach their kids about adulthood. So many people work hard for their whole lives just to make ends meet.
Yet, being an adult means you define success in your own way. You might not make six figures or own a big home in the suburbs, but you still have the freedom to find out what success means to you.
“A traditional understanding of success is largely measured by external achievements, wealth, status, and material possessions rather than by living a life that is genuine and aligned with one’s values, passions, and inner truths,” resiliency and wellness scholar Robyne Hanley-Dafoe explained. “The reality is that you can meet all of the traditional markers of success and still not feel fulfilled.”
She shared that knowing who you are and how you want to live leads to authenticity, and “this authenticity leads to a deeper, more lasting sense of fulfillment and happiness.”
“Success, ultimately, is about showing up in a way that is meaningful and purpose-filled for the life you choose to live—a life that feels successful on your own terms,” she concluded.
6. Adulthood means no more homework
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Parents teach their kids that adults never have homework, but unfortunately, that’s a lie. When kids are in school, their primary responsibility is getting their homework done, as tedious and challenging as that might be. Parents try to ease their kids’ minds with the lie that they’ll never have homework again once they grow up.
Being an adult might mean school is over, but adulthood still comes with its own version of homework. For adults, life is often an endless cycle of paperwork. There are bills to keep track of and pay off every month. There are taxes, medical forms, and job applications, and once you get a job, you realize they’re rarely just 9 to 5, and you take your work home with you.
If you have kids of your own, you have to help them with their actual homework, but this time, you can’t burst into tears because math is too hard. Adulthood comes with a sense of independence, but it also comes with a set of responsibilities.
7. There’s always time to chase your dreams
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Parents balance practicality with inspiration, and they often teach their kids the lie that there’s always time to follow their dreams. They want their kids to feel hopeful about their futures, so they maintain the myth that there’s no time limit to going after their dreams.
Yet the truth is, life is finite. Delaying your dreams might make sense, but most people want to look back on their lives with the feeling that they did everything they could to feel fulfilled by their choices. Your hopes and dreams in adulthood are bound to look different than when you were a kid, but the most important thing is that you didn’t hold yourself back from going after the life you wanted to have.
8. Love alone will keep your marriage strong
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Kids look to their parents as a touchpoint for what it means to be in a relationship. When they ask their parents about marriage, they are told that love is the most critical part of marriage. Even though they know it’s false, parents tell their kids that love makes marriages last. In reality, if you don’t put in the effort, your marriage won’t be successful.
As divorce lawyer Heather McCabe pointed out, “Marriage can be tough work. It’s worth it, but it’s not always easy.”
“Compatibility is about having similar ideals, beliefs, and goals that help you understand each other better. You don’t have to agree on everything… but you should be aligned in what you value,” she explained.
“Most folks think of marriage as a commitment to another person, and that’s true — but it’s not the only commitment. You need to commit to the marriage itself: to doing the work to keep it strong and healthy and to remember why you wanted to be married in the first place,” she concluded.
9. A steady job equals financial security
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Parents teach their kids that having a job means having a sense of stability, but that’s not always true. For older generations, work offered way more security than it does now. They worked for one company throughout their careers, and they received pensions once they retired. Now, the volatility of the job market means an increased sense of anxiety around being financially secure.
There’s no guarantee for stability, even when you’ve hit all your marks. Layoffs can happen without any warning. The cost of living can always increase. You can have a medical emergency that costs all your savings. Life can change instantly, and part of adulthood is accepting that fact.
10. Just forgive and forget
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Accepting an apology isn’t always right, no matter what your parents say. When parents teach their kids that they should forgive and forget, they overlook the damage that can occur when you accept someone’s apology before you’re ready to forgive them.
According to Dan Bates, PhD, forgiving someone before you’re ready is a form of toxic forgiveness, which happens when you accept an apology “without addressing the underlying hurt or allowing time for genuine healing.”
“This type of forgiveness is often a response to pressure—either from others or oneself—to ‘move on’ or ‘let it go’ without adequately processing the emotions involved,” they explained.”
“True forgiveness requires more than just moving on,” they concluded. “It involves acknowledging the hurt, processing the emotions, and committing to meaningful changes in the relationship.”
11. Life gets easier when you’re older
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As much as parents might wish it were true, life doesn’t get easier once you become an adult. They maintain this gentle lie because they don’t want their kids to lose hope about what’s to come. They do their best to prepare their kids for the future, yet teaching them that growing up is easy can do them a grave disservice.
More than anything else, parents want their kids to be confident and resilient. They want them to face the challenges that come their way and pick themselves back up when they fall. Kids must know that life is never easy for them to do this. They’ll go through hard times, but the more they stay true to themselves, the likelier they will become stronger and wiser.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.