11 Signs A Man's Narcissistic Mom Still Controls Him
Some grown men aren't as independent as they think they are.
Marian Fil | Shutterstock A man's relationship with his mother can shape him for life, but when that bond is built on narcissism and control, it leaves lasting scars. Rather than nurturing independence, a narcissistic mom uses manipulation and overbearing tactics to keep her son tethered to her world.
Studies have shown that early attachment plays a crucial role in emotional development, yet an unhealthy, overly controlling connection can lead to profound issues well into adulthood. How do you know if man's narcissistic mom still exerts her influence over him, often at the cost of his own identity and well-being?
Here are 11 signs a man's narcissistic mom still controls him:
1. He mirrors her narcissism
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One of the biggest signs that a man is still being controlled by his narcissistic mother is that he is a narcissist himself. This may seem counterintuitive. After all, wouldn’t you expect a child who is being controlled by a narcissistic parent to try to get as far away from that behavior as possible? Well, it often isn’t that simple.
According to Berit Brogaard, D.M.Sci., Ph.D., “Data indicate that men who were raised by narcissistic mothers have a slightly greater risk of becoming narcissistic themselves than men raised by non-narcissistic mothers.” Children are actually less likely to pull away from their parents’ narcissistic tendencies. “We often end up being just like the parents we once despised and swore we would never become,” Brogaard added. “But in the case of the sons of narcissistic mothers, this tendency is even stronger.”
If a man is being controlled by his narcissistic mom, there’s a good chance that he too will be narcissistic because the mother-son relationship makes it hard to break free from this pattern. If you notice that a man has narcissistic tendencies, that’s a good sign that it’s time to run the other way.
2. She gaslights him
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Gaslighting has become a frequently used buzzword in today’s society. Some would argue that is just making the phenomenon seem more common than it actually is, while others believe it is just a sign of how pervasive it is. Whichever side of the argument you fall on, there’s no question that gaslighting is a real problem.
Gaslighting, no matter who is doing it, is actually abusive. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defined it as “an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts and sanity. As a result, the abusive partner has a lot of power.” Author Shahida Arabi, MA, said that gaslighting “allows the toxic parent to distort reality, deny the reality of the abuse and make you feel like the toxic one for calling them out.”
By gaslighting her son, a mother may make him believe that something happened a certain way when it really didn’t, or that he is responsible for something he is not. This could make him feel indebted to her or unable to sever ties with her. This is exactly what she wants, as she desires complete control.
3. She undermines every other woman
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A narcissistic mom will see any other woman in his life as a threat to her control. For example, if her son marries, her daughter-in-law will be her nemesis. After all, her son’s new wife will become the new center of his world. This will be absolutely unacceptable to his mother.
Brooke Schwartz, LCSW, described this kind of woman as “an over-bearing mother-in-law” that “may try to steal center stage whenever possible.” Schwartz said that it is essential for a wife to talk through these issues with her husband so that they can understand each other’s boundaries and expectations, as well as what they each need to feel fully supported in this situation.
If a man’s mom sees you as a threat, she will undermine her authority and autonomy in her own relationship. Soon, the new woman in the son’s life will find herself subject to some of the same abusive behavior that he experiences. The only person who benefits from this is, of course, his mother.
4. She idealizes him
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Idealization sounds like it could be a good thing, but it’s not. No one is perfect, and treating someone like they are is simply setting them up for failure. What’s worse, many narcissistic mothers will idealize their sons and then pull away their favor when they actually need it the most.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, explained, “They build his confidence and sense of importance. As he matures and challenges her control, she disparages his emerging individuality and tries to correct and change him. To boost her ego, she may brag about her son to her friends, but is critical at home.”
To hold onto control of her son, a narcissistic mom will build him up just to tear him down later. This will leave him feeling trapped, and like he is unable to escape her and her controlling behavior. The idealization he is used to will switch to criticism when she decides she needs to keep him in line, which will likely crush him.
5. She wields emotional blackmail
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Being blackmailed isn’t just a horrible feeling, it’s illegal. Unfortunately, there’s no way to legally regulate emotional blackmail. Ashley Peña, LCSW, made it clear that emotional blackmail is both emotional abuse and manipulation. She said it is “[used] to assert power and control in relationships,” exactly what these moms want to do.
Describing how emotional blackmail connects to narcissistic parents, Arabi said, “The narcissistic parent appears to make a request, but it is really a demand.” Pushing back against them will only lead to threats and pressure. The mom may choose to “punish” her son if he doesn’t do what she wants with something as simple as sulking or as serious as violence.
By holding these serious consequences over her son’s head, a mom is effectively controlling him. This abuse is effective because it means that the mother always has ammunition to use against her son as a way to keep him in line, so to speak.
6. She constantly compares him to others
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If you’ve heard the quote “comparison is the thief of joy,” or if you’ve experienced it firsthand, you know just how hurtful and toxic being compared to another person can be. It’s bad enough when you’re the one doing the comparison yourself, but imagine that comparison and impossible standard to live up to coming from someone who you’re supposed to be able to trust, like your mother.
“Narcissistic parents love to compare their children to other siblings or peers in an effort to further diminish them,” Arabi shared. “They want their scapegoated children to fight for their approval and attention. They also want to provoke them into feeling less than.”
A narcissistic mom loves to remind her son of how much better he could be doing. This keeps her in control by ensuring that he is constantly fighting for her love and approval. He is unable to focus on anything else other than his mom liking him more. What better way could there be to retain control?
7. He craves her approval
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In many ways, it’s natural to seek out validation from parents. As clinical psychologist Dr. Rebecca Ray noted, “Our brains are wired for connection … In other words, it’s ‘normal’ for you to be pulled towards wanting your parents’ approval because doing so would have protected you as a cave baby 100,000 years ago and the software of the brain remains the same today.”
This may not sound so bad because it’s simply a part of our brains. However, writing for PsychCentral, Sian Ferguson said that seeking constant approval and validation from others can actually be a sign of an unhealthy childhood, and even abuse during those formative years.
So, if a man is turning to his narcissistic mom for validation, he doesn’t feel secure on his own. He needs her approval before moving forward with anything, and her comfort when things seem to go wrong. This isn’t healthy, as an adult should be able to supply these things themselves.
8. She views others as rivals for his love
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If a narcissistic mother is holding on tightly to her son and attempting to control him, she’ll see any other woman who enters his life as competition. Other women are a chance for her to lose the grip she has worked so hard to maintain on her son. She won’t be able to bear the thought of someone new entering his life.
To some extent, this feeling of competition is normal. As Nigel Barber, Ph.D., pointed out, women used to be forced to move into their mother-in-law’s house, therefore taking on a subservient role. Although this is typically no longer the case, the new wife and the mother are both trying to hold the same man’s attention. The natural order is for the wife to “win” this perceived competition and spend more time with her husband than his mother does. But that doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes, a mom will have a son so deeply under her control that there is simply no way for a new woman to break in and get the attention she deserves. If she chooses to stay with the man in spite of this, she’ll never be truly happy, as she’s always living in the shadow of his mother, who she can never live up to.
9. She always plays the victim
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One way narcissistic mothers will often try to retain control is by acting as though they are the victim. This could include anything from positioning a romantic interest to look like the enemy so she doesn’t lose control to her, or holding something against her son for years even though it’s not really his fault.
According to Psychology Today contributor Peg Streep, this can lead to a number of problems, like being unable to set effective boundaries, challenges seeing the behavior as abusive or even self-criticizing themselves based on the mother’s blame.
Although it is unfair and abusive, narcissistic mothers will set themselves up as the victim so others feel bad for them, especially the son they’re trying to control. They will allow their sons to feel guilty for something that isn’t even their fault just so they can maintain a modicum of control that makes them feel like they have the power.
10. She uses shame to diminish his confidence
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Shaming your own kids sounds like a terrible thing to do, but it happens. Similar to pretending to be a victim so that her son feels guilt, a narcissistic mother who wants to control her son will shame him so he feels guilty and responsible for things that have nothing to do with him. By keeping her son down on himself, she will maintain the control she desperately craves.
Arabi explained this is actually quite common. “Narcissistic, toxic parents shame their children to further belittle and demean them,” she said. “This is actually quite effective, as research has shown that when someone feels flawed and defective, they tend to be more compliant to the requests of others.”
In other words, using shame as a tool actually makes control even easier. It erodes their self-esteem and makes them think that there is no point in standing up for themselves, so they just go along with whatever anyone else says. This includes the narcissistic moms they could be trying to get away from, but just can’t seem to.
11. He can't set boundaries
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Sometimes, a man will be so heavily controlled by his mother that he quite literally cannot set any boundaries in their relationship. It just feels impossible to him. Or, maybe he is too afraid to do so because he knows it will upset her and mess with the status quo. Either way, he does not put into place the boundaries that he so desperately needs for his own health.
Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C, said this is important because parents may continue to attempt to control their children’s lives into adulthood instead of giving them the freedom they have earned and deserve. This sounds an awful lot like what a narcissistic mother would do. Saxena recommended focusing on communication when setting those boundaries and coming from a place of compassion, both for yourself and your parents.
If a man just cannot set boundaries for whatever reason, it’s likely a sign that he and his narcissistic mom are so enmeshed that he has no plans of letting go, or at least doesn’t know how to. Becoming involved with a man like this, whether romantically or platonically, can be dangerous for your own mental health and is worth reconsidering.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.