If You Heard These 11 Phrases As A Child You Were Probably Raised By A Narcissistic Parent
It's never too late to acknowledge and address your childhood struggles.
Max kegfire | Shutterstock.com While it’s true that narcissism is often rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem, there’s no excuse for the toxicity and manipulative dynamics caused by narcissistic behaviors like blame-shifting, avoiding conflict, and invalidating others. When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, their negative behaviors can lead to long-lasting consequences that follow children into their adult lives, sabotaging their relationships even after they’ve left their childhood home. If you heard these phrases as a child you were probably raised by a narcissistic parent, and acknowledging that reality is the first step towards healing.
For many people struggling with commitment, trust, communication, and vulnerability in adulthood, it can be difficult to make the tie between their parents’ narcissistic behaviors and their current life, considering narcissism is often subtle, especially to a child.
If you heard these 11 phrases as a child you were probably raised by a narcissistic parent
1. ‘I’ve done so much for you and this is how you repay me?’
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In the eyes of a narcissistic parent, the relationship they share with their children is inherently transactional. Whether it’s giving out praise, rewarding their accomplishments, or offering up affection, their kids are often forced to “prove themselves” worthy before they receive any type of love from a narcissistic parent.
Phrases like this are a reflection of a narcissistic parent’s tendency to withhold affection from their kids, encouraging them to feel guilty for asking for too much or expressing their needs.
2. ‘You’re too sensitive’
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According to certified life coach Sherri Gordon, gaslighters and narcissists tend to rely on invalidating other people’s emotions to gain control in their relationships. Whether it’s with passing hurtful comments like this one or larger manipulative schemes, an insecure narcissistic person needs to break down someone else’s comfort with vulnerability and confrontation to avoid being called out for their bad behavior.
This tendency towards gaslighting and manipulation is why so many narcissistic people cling onto insecure partners and friends. They have weak boundaries and struggle with self-advocacy, making them the perfect targets for being taken advantage of.
Unfortunately, in a family dynamic, that can also make children especially vulnerable to the consequences of a narcissistic parent’s behavior.
3. ‘Nobody will love you like I do’
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A narcissistic parent often can’t fathom “losing” or being less than in their relationships, which causes them to use phrases like this that help to build codependent relationships that favor them and their control.
Rather than simply offering unconditional love and support to their children, they make everything transactional — making their children feel less empowered so they lean in deeper to attention-seeking and “proving themselves” at home.
While it might seem unsuspecting and even compassionate in certain scenarios to a child, a phrase like this only encourages kids to put themselves on a back burner in any kind of connection, not believing they’re worthy of true unconditional love.
4. ‘You’re lucky I put up with you’
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Narcissistic parents rely on a variety of emotionally manipulative behaviors to maintain control in their parent-child relationships, including guilt-tripping. By keeping their relationship transactional, where children only feel worthy of attention and love when they’re providing something, narcissistic parents don’t just spark low self-esteem in their kids, but encourage them to seek out relationships where they’re not fully and entirely loved without conditions.
With a phrase like this, parents are suggesting that their kids are a burden, only worthy of their attention and love because of their character as a parent, rather than simply because of who they are. This reflects positively on a narcissistic parent in their mind, of course, because they maintain control and spark self-doubt in ways that make control easier at home.
5. ‘You’re so dramatic’
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Rather than taking the time to acknowledge their children’s needs and support their emotions, narcissistic parents often avoid vulnerability and use phrases like this to invalidate their kids’ experiences. Even into adulthood, phrases like this are perfect examples of the gaslighting techniques parents use to consistently avoid accountability and open honest conversations with their kids.
Parents who dismiss their adult children’s feelings aren’t just encouraging their kids to shut down during vulnerable situations and suppress their emotions, they’re also often sparking resentment that follows them into adulthood, according to psychologist Hal Shorey.
There’s power in simply apologizing, addressing conflicts, and moving on, but for narcissistic parents, they’re more concerned with wielding power and protecting their image than truly showing up for their kids.
6. ‘You don’t know what’s best for you, but I do’
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According to a study from the University of Virginia, many narcissistic parents take on overbearing tendencies that follow children into adulthood, sabotaging their new relationship dynamics and social skills. When a parent constantly relies on phrases like this to assert their dominance and control over their kids, they not only learn to seek approval and reassurance from their parents, they miss out on opportunities to express their needs and set boundaries.
Without these foundational experiences and skills, children often develop anxious attachment styles — always looking for external validation for their life decisions and approval from partners, peers, and friends in their personal lives.
7. ‘That’s not what happened’
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Many narcissistic people rely on gaslighting to distort other people’s realities, so they have more opportunities to take advantage of them. Narcissistic parents use phrases like this, even with adult children, to avoid taking responsibility and to spark self-doubt in their kids so they don’t have to engage in confrontation or conflict.
Especially as more adult children today make the connection between their current struggles and their childhood experiences, it’s not uncommon for narcissistic parents to use a phrase like this to avoid taking accountability for their poor behavior as a parent.
While it may be uncomfortable or awkward to have hard conversations with your child, the true nature of a healthy parent-child relationship is founded on the trust required to have open, honest, and clear communication.
8. ‘I could’ve had a much better life without kids’
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Trauma coach and therapist Nakpangi Thomas argues that one of the most common signs of a narcissistic parent is their lack of empathy and selfishness, even when they’re interacting with their kids. From “I gave up so much for you” to “My life would be better without kids,” if you heard these phrases as a child you were probably raised by a narcissistic parent.
When it’s convenient and looks good for them to take on the role of “the perfect parent,” they’re willing to pretend that they truly love being a caretaker, but at home with their kids, they use phrases like this to disperse their discomfort and resentment to others.
9. ‘You’re so ungrateful’
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Narcissistic parents often use a phrase like this to emotionally blackmail their kids — causing them to take on feelings of guilt and shame to fall in line with what their parents are asking. Even if it’s something as simple as going to a friend’s house, they’re made to feel worthless any time their words misguidedly offend their parents.
Of course, it’s not just emotional blackmail that contributes negatively to a child’s wellbeing and confidence, but a host of other narcissistic behaviors that have been proven to negatively affect children’s mental health into adolescence, according to a 2014 study.
By using a phrase like this, narcissistic parents might be able to gain control at the expense of their child’s self-worth, but at the end of the day, they’re not helping anyone by not meeting their fundamental needs.
10. ‘I put a roof over your head and food on the table. What more did you want?’
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Especially in today’s economy, it’s incredibly difficult to afford housing and groceries, but that doesn’t mean that parents should weaponize their financial struggles to encourage their kids to accept less than the bare minimum. The true “bare minimum” for parents is also emotional — teaching kids to regulate their emotions, resolve conflict, and communicate without judgement or shame.
A narcissistic parent often uses a phrase like this to guilt their children into accepting manipulative behavior, encouraging them to believe they’re not worthy of the unconditional love and attention they should be receiving at home.
In adulthood, these unmet needs often transform and manifest into toxic habits for adult children starting their own lives and relationships. From avoiding accountability themselves to building transactional relationships, the effects of living in a narcissistic household never truly dissipate, unless they’re addressed and healed from.
11. ‘If I’m such a horrible parent, why don’t you find a different one?’
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Emotional manipulation between parents and their children often manifests as blame-shifting and guilt-tripping with a phrase like this. Rather than healthily resolving conflicts and having open conversations where both parties can express their emotions and feel supported, a narcissistic parent uses a phrase like this to burden their kids with guilt.
Even amid their own hurtful behaviors and comments, these toxic parents find ways to make it their kids' fault — latching onto a misguided victim mentality that only helps to soothe their own shame by passing it off onto their kids.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.