11 Definitive Signs You Are Not A Narcissist, According To Psychology
If you're already worried about your toxic traits, chances are you're not a narcissist, but it doesn't hurt to find out for sure.
F01 Photo | Shutterstock.com Many people struggle with intrusive thoughts about being a narcissistic person, concerned that they’re manipulating people in their life or being the toxic person everyone loathes in their close relationships, according to professional counselor Stacy Quick. While these thoughts can be unsettling and anxiety-inducing, there are certain definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology, that can give you peace of mind.
While narcissists are often self-aware in ways that help to inform their manipulative behaviors and tailored personalities in different relationships, a truly narcissistic person lacks one main trait: empathy. Driven by their lack of compassion for others and their grandiose sense of self, often fueled by their internal insecurity and lack of self-worth, narcissists sabotage the most basic tenants of relationships, like trust and understanding. If you’re worried about being a toxic person, that concern is already evidence that you possess a kind of empathy that differentiates you from narcissists.
Here are 11 definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology
1. You take accountability for your mistakes
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Considering narcissists are often seeking control in their relationships, they refuse to take accountability for things that could sabotage their crafted image or make them seem inferior in social situations.
While they’re willing to occasionally apologize and take responsibility for things that they “deem worthy” and are not a threat to their controlling mentality, as Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC, explained, they escape liability for other things with specific and toxic behaviors.
Of course, it’s possible someone who’s not a narcissist will still utilize behaviors like blame-shifting or adopting a sense of misguided victimhood to escape accountability, however their mentality behind avoiding confrontation and discomfort often stem from different places. From coping with childhood trauma to being afraid of confrontation, someone who’s not a narcissist won't avoid accountability to safeguard their own emotional well-being, and while it might be misguided, they’re never seeking control to actively harm others.
2. You stand up for yourself in a respectful manner
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While both neurotypical and narcissistic people tend to vocalize their opinions and stand up for themselves in conversations, the difference for a narcissist is their aggression. While one confident person, with strong beliefs and boundaries, will be assertive, a narcissist is often incredibly aggressive — shaming and sparking self-doubt in others to toxically assert their own beliefs.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person, as long as they’re vocalized in a respectful way and maintained alongside communication and grace. Having a strong personality and being assertive may be uncomfortable for some people, but that doesn’t make you a toxic or narcissistic person by nature.
3. You prioritize other people’s needs
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One of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology, is your ability to care about other people’s needs in a relationship. If you value a relationship, prioritize other people’s needs, and put genuine time and effort into maintaining your connections, you possess the kind of empathy for others than narcissists tend to lack.
While narcissists often intentionally hurt their partners or friends, withholding affection, gaslighting them into adopting insecurities, and avoiding healthy accountability, like psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explains, a good-natured person who cares about their relationships leads with compassion.
Even if you’ve been in a toxic relationship or occasionally relied on behaviors like blame-shifting to cope with your own insecurity, that doesn’t make you a narcissist. Oftentimes, we cope with our own relationship trauma and insecurity in unhealthy ways, but if you’re leading with someone’s best interests in mind or dealing with your internal hurt in productive ways — rather than deliberately harming others, like a narcissistic person would — you’re definitely not a narcissist.
4. You listen more than you talk
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According to experts from Duke Health, narcissists tend to dominate conversations and craft a misguided sense of superiority in their social interactions, fueled by their own self-importance. Not only do they talk about themselves more than they listen, they generally only make space for other people to speak when it helps them to look better.
Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention, and even though this need is fueled by internal insecurity, they’re willing to sabotage relationships and dismiss other people’s need to ensure they maintain this social importance.
One of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology, is your ability to listen more than you talk — making genuine space for other people to feel heard, even if it means holding onto your thoughts and simply being there to support them. Even if you have a strong personality and tend to speak a lot about yourself, a tendency that is in our human nature to thoughtfully enjoy, being able to sit back and let someone else have the floor is something a narcissist often doesn’t have the ability to do.
5. You’re authentic and genuine
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Crafting an authentic identity and staying true to yourself in conversations and social interactions is one of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology. While narcissists tend to “shape-shift” into different people to appease their crowd, a genuine person is fully themselves regardless of who’s around.
According to psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner, narcissists often hold themselves to unrealistic standards, trying to achieve a sense of perfectionism in their life that urges them to adopt misguided and inauthentic personalities around different people.
While it might be uncomfortable at times or illuminate some of your insecurities to interact with people who don’t mesh with you — sometimes even encouraging you to withhold certain beliefs or adopt toxic behaviors to cope — being authentic is an important part of our human experience.
6. You accept criticism and feedback
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Narcissists often struggle with accepting and digesting criticism and feedback, even when it’s constructive. Considering they view most people as inferior to themselves, they tend to devalue and dismiss feedback — believing that their way of thinking and behaving is the best way.
If you’re open to accepting help from others, ask advice from your peers often, and acknowledge feedback and criticism in a healthy way, that’s one of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology.
Even if you struggle to accept feedback, fueled by insecurity or fears of rejection or failure, consider the emotional reasons you’re negatively responding to criticism. It’s normal to deal with insecurity in unhealthy ways, but simply coping with past trauma or low self-esteem doesn’t inherently make you a narcissist, unless you’re avoiding criticism from a place of moral high ground and toxic self-preservation.
7. You respect other people’s boundaries
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According to recovery expert Dr. Sharie Stines, narcissists will do whatever it takes to gain control in a relationship, sabotaging another person’s self-esteem and disrespecting their boundaries to make it easier to take advantage of others.
Considering narcissistic people tend to overstep other people’s boundaries by taking advantage of their insecurities and sparking self-doubt with gaslighting behaviors, simply respecting another person’s needs and boundaries is one of the definitive signs you’re not a narcissist.
Even when it’s uncomfortable or awkward to do, a person who respects other people’s boundaries has a baseline level of empathy that allows them to cultivate mutually understanding and beneficial relationships.
8. You recognize and address your shortcomings
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Outside of simply taking accountability for mistakes, a person who’s not a narcissist is also often cognizant of the places where they have room for growth in their life. From personal health to relationship behaviors and emotional growth, a person committed to their personal development isn’t typically a person capable of being a narcissistic person.
A narcissist often devalues others, manipulates their relationships, and shape-shifts their personality to seem “changed,” but their misguided personal development is only a tool they use to control other people’s perceptions of them.
If you’re committed to growing and showing up better for yourself and others, you already possess a level of emotional empathy and compassion that many narcissistic people are incapable of.
9. You feel pride in your accomplishments without external praise
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While it might seem inconsistent that narcissistic people with a grand sense of self-importance and misguided confidence only feel empowered by external validation, experts from the Cleveland Clinic suggest that’s one of their defining characteristics.
Fueled by excess admiration, praise, and validation from others, narcissistic people only experience pride (coupled with control of social situations) when they’re the center of attention.
However, one of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology, is your ability to cultivate similar feelings of accomplishment and pride when you’re by yourself. When you complete a task, reach a goal, or achieve something exciting, you’re able to internally gratify yourself, rather than immediately resorting to others to feel accomplished.
10. You genuinely feel happy for other people’s success
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While it’s normal for a person struggling with insecurity to feel slightly envious of their partners or friends when they accomplish something exciting, a narcissistic person often deliberately sabotages and harms the people in their lives to be the center of attention.
It’s this intentional maliciousness that stems from insecurity, but unlike an empathetic person, it’s not necessarily envy that drives them, but a need for control and superiority.
Especially in our toxic comparison culture, feeling happy for other people’s success and achievement is one of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology. Not only are you willing to empower other people towards their goals in your relationships, you’re willing to set your own insecurities and struggles aside to celebrate them when they realize them.
11. You accept help from leaders and authority figures
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Considering narcissistic people generally thrive in spaces where they feel the most important, intelligent, and confident, many struggle with interacting with authority figures and leaders in places like the workplace. Unable to accept constructive criticism, they often manipulate their peers and try to sabotage a person’s leadership qualities to become the center of attention.
One of the definitive signs you are not a narcissist, according to psychology, is your ability to accept help and be led by a person in authority. Not only do you feel comfortable in a room with people who may be smarter or more successful than you, you seek out these environments as learning opportunities and spaces for growth.
Of course, the stigma around personality disorders, especially narcissism, is already intense enough, so it’s important to recognize how we label and perceive ourselves with labels like “being a narcissist” that are intended to be malicious. Being a narcissist doesn’t inherently make you a bad person, especially with the right tools and resources to manage relationships and personal wellbeing.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.