11 Behaviors Of An Adult Who Was Raised By An Emotionally Distant Mom
People who were raised by an emotionally distant mom grapple with understanding their own needs.
ZoneCreative / Shutterstock Many of us fail to realize how much of our behavior as adults is connected to the way we grew up. From a young age, we absorb and internalize the dynamics of our households, especially when it comes to our primary caregivers.
When someone is raised by an emotionally distant mother, it can have a profound impact on their emotional development and behavior as an adult. The lack of emotional connection and support in childhood often leads to difficulties with managing their emotions, maintaining relationships, and understanding their own needs.
Here are 11 behaviors of an adult who was raised by an emotionally distant mom
1. They struggle to express emotions
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Since they were not provided a healthy model for emotional expression growing up, those with emotionally distant mothers may struggle to tap into and express their own emotions. They often suppress them and fail to regulate them, sometimes resulting in sudden emotional outbursts or internal breakdowns.
This also may impact their relationship with others. According to Private Therapy Clinic, those with emotionally distant parents “might struggle to express themselves emotionally and show love to other people because they haven’t had strong enough role models to show them it’s ok to be expressive and open with others, emotionally.”
Even as adults, their ability to understand and label their own feelings may be especially difficult for them.
2. They avoid asking for help
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Since they weren’t able to rely on their emotionally distant moms during their childhood, these people often carry that lack of ability with them into adulthood.
Emotional neglect during childhood may create the false belief that no one will come through for them if needed, and that no help is available. This causes them to shut themselves off to the idea of reaching out for help, even if they are struggling.
3. They constantly seek validation from others
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People who grew up with emotionally distant mothers often seek validation from others rather than within themselves. They lacked a consistent source of emotional support and affirmations from their mothers, and they often seek that support elsewhere.
This also contributes to their self-esteem. “The absence of emotional validation from parents can contribute to low self-esteem in children, who may then seek external validation through people-pleasing behaviors,” Alana Barlia, a licensed therapist shared.
These people may heavily depend on others’ feedback to feel good about themselves since they never have their mother’s voice in their head reminding them how good they truly are.
4. They struggle with boundaries
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Whether it be enforcing their own boundaries or respecting those of others, boundaries is a concept people who grew up with emotionally distant mothers struggle with. They never learned how to appropriately express their needs or recognize their emotions.
They often ignore their own personal boundaries if it means pleasing others. According to research from The Attachment Project, “Children of emotionally immature parents often grew up feeling parentified and enmeshed with their caregivers’ emotions, so they continue to struggle with enacting and maintaining healthy boundaries as adults.”
They treat themselves with the same emotional neglect that their mothers did so frequently.
5. They downplay their achievements
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Since they were never given much praise as a child, those with emotionally distant moms don’t give themselves enough credit for all that they have accomplished. The lack of this parental support in their early years can significantly shape their self-perception in adulthood.
Growing up with an emotionally distant parent can lay down the groundwork of the belief that your successes aren’t good enough, and that no achievement will ever gain approval from anyone else.
This leads to a pattern where they constantly diminish their successes since they learned that striving for achievement does not necessarily mean recognition or emotional fulfillment.
6. They fear abandonment
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Emotionally distant moms instill the belief in their children that they are not worthy of love and can easily be left behind by others. They never gave them the security and love they needed from a parent figure as children, and they carry this fear of abandonment into adulthood.
As adults, they are hypervigilant for signs of rejection and the possibility of being abandoned in their adult relationships. They may constantly ask you if you’ll always be there for them, and cannot relax until they know that they will not be abandoned by the people who do love them.
7. They struggle with self-worth
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Since they never received consistent validation from a parental figure showing up, people with emotionally distant moms do not exactly have the most confidence in themselves. Since they never received adequate affirmations and love, they often believe that they aren’t good enough and internalize a sense of not being worthy of love.
When children are young, they often interpret their mother’s emotional distance as a reflection of their own worthlessness. These feelings linger into adulthood and they struggle with having a high sense of self-worth and loving themselves the way their mothers never did.
8. They fear rejection
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People with emotionally distant mothers often experience repeated rejection, which builds a fear of experiencing it in future interactions.
“If one or both of your parents is rejecting of you in any way in your childhood, you will likely grow into an adult who’s highly sensitive to rejection and fearful of it,” noted licensed psychologist Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
“If you can’t trust your parent to be consistent, then it’s hard to believe you can rely on anyone. As an adult, you expect rejection around every corner,” she wrote.
Even though everyone will experience rejection, whether they had emotionally available parents or not, those who had emotionally unavailable parents may develop a deep fear of it.
9. They have difficulty trusting others
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Since their emotional needs were not reliably met as children, people who grew up with emotionally distant mothers often have a difficult time putting their trust in others. They have always experienced inconsistent levels of affection, and automatically expect others to give them similar treatment.
Research has shown that mistreatment during childhood is linked to trust issues in adulthood. Without emotionally available parents, they are unable to develop a secure base for trust even in their most loving relationships.
10. They shut down during conflict
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In an environment where emotional connection and support were lacking, children learn certain coping mechanisms to manage overwhelming emotions, particularly in situations that feel uncomfortable or tense. When conflict arises, they tend to emotionally shut down and withdraw from the situation.
For someone who was raised by an emotionally distant mother, conflict may feel like an unsafe or threatening situation. Their emotions were often unmet growing up, and they adapted to stuffing them down rather than confronting them during a conflict.
11. They are perfectionists
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In an emotionally distant environment, children may not receive the reassurance or emotional safety to make mistakes. When they did, they were often met with emotional withdrawal and indifference.
As adults, they may strive to be perfectionists since they felt as if mistakes were never allowed growing up. The fear of disappointing others or being seen as "not good enough" can cause them to set excessively high standards for themselves, and feel the compulsive need to do everything perfectly.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.