13 Psychological Reasons A Man Chooses One Woman Over Another
Sometimes the people we choose don't choose us.
Getty Looking at my dating record, it’s been a long string of disappointments. Guys would date me for years, refuse to get married, and then within a year, get engaged to another girl, leaving me to wonder what could have happened when I thought it was going so well. Why did he choose her over me?
To a point, I’ve basically shunned modern dating because I can no longer handle another disappointment. For the longest time, I wondered why guys didn't see me as wife material and would go for the other woman rather than me — the girl who actually put in work to keep them.
It took me a long time to understand what men want in a wife, especially when it came to looking at them from an outside perspective. The truth is that their reasons for choosing the other woman actually (somewhat) make sense at times.
Here are 13 reasons a man chooses one woman over another
1. He never planned on marrying you
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
Most men know, fairly early into the relationship, whether it’s something they want to go the distance. The only thing is that they won’t tell you that.
Most guys know when they have decided to have a girl as a keeper, and I’d say they know it within the first three months. If you were the one dragging the relationship along and badgering him to commit, then as hard as it is to say, you shouldn’t have done that.
He already knew he didn’t want to commit. He just didn’t want to rock the boat, lose you, or appear to be a jerk.
2. You were a backup plan
MAYA LAB / Shutterstock
He may have used you as a backup plan or a rebound knowing that he would never commit to you. It’s true, and it’s pathetic on men’s parts, but it’s true.
A lot of men use good women by dangling a ring in front of them and getting them to support them while looking for "a better deal.” If you kept pressuring him for a ring, he never would commit, and then later he dumped you, this could be a sign that you were his backup.
In a romantic situation, this can be driven by a desire for security, a fear of being alone, a lack of commitment from the primary partner, or a need to compare options. It often stems from uncertainty about the current relationship and a desire to have a potential alternative if things go wrong. A study published by the University of Westminster found that this can sometimes manifest as a partner insurance strategy, where someone keeps another potential partner on the back burner to provide emotional comfort or a fallback option.
3. You treated him poorly
voronaman / Shutterstock
Most people know when they are abusive. If you’re abusive, you will most likely end up alone.
If you’re being abused, there’s not one person in the world who would judge you or wonder why you chose another partner over your current partner. Ergo, you should treat your partner well.
4. You might not have given him any reason to commit
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
Most men love a free meal, and as much as I hate to say it, most men aren’t decent human beings. If you pamper them, spoil them, act as wife to them, and roll over for them, they will not see any reason to reward that or care about your needs.
This is what I realized was my problem. After all, he’s getting his. Why would he see any reasons to lock it down?
One 2020 study argued that it could disrupt a relationship's natural dynamic of pursuit and challenge. This can lead to boredom, a lack of agency, and a diminished sense of accomplishment, which can impact one's attraction and motivation to pursue one's partner further.
5. He assumed that you wouldn't leave, regardless of whether or not he committed
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock
This was another killer in my relationships. A lot of people will keep partners around and treat them like trash, primarily because they don’t believe their partners will ever leave.
If you get the feeling that this rings true with you, it’s time to pack your bags. You deserve better.
6. You pressured him too much
fizkes / Shutterstock
Too much pressure makes men run. It’s just a fact of life. You can be the finest woman out there, but if you constantly hound him for a wedding, he will run. After all, no one likes to feel like a means to an end and that’s exactly what you do when you bring up marriage every 5 minutes.
If you want to get him to marry you, just have a silent walk date and have “the talk” with him. Men often lose interest in women who pressure them too much because this triggers feelings of being controlled, undermines their sense of autonomy, and creates stress.
This can make men feel less attracted and potentially lead to a desire to withdraw from the relationship. A study published in Personality and Individual Differences concluded that a man's resistance to pressure sometimes stems from deeper insecurities or past experiences, which require further exploration and communication.
7. He might have seen her as more secure than you
Bricolage / Shutterstock
This could mean that she was more confident than you, or more financially secure. Both factors can play a huge role in whether or not he’s willing to say “I do.”
It makes sense; secure people are easier to deal with and naturally will be more likely to have a lot to offer. Everyone wants more security in life and that’s why they may gravitate to a “safer bet.”
8. His parents may have liked her more
BearFotos / Shutterstock
I hate to say it, and I truly despise having to admit it, but parents do play a huge role in many men’s decision to marry. I know this because parents have been a reason for multiple breakups in my life.
Is this fair? No. Should you be angry? Absolutely. However, it’s better to be single than date someone who’s too spineless to stand up for you when parents are involved.
A parent's preference for one of their child's romantic partners over another can be influenced by a complex mix of factors, including subconscious associations with their childhood, perceived compatibility with family dynamics, personal values, and even subtle physical similarities to themselves or their partner. A study published in Evolution and Human Behavior concluded these factors can potentially lead to a more positive response towards a particular woman.
9. Your goals are too different for it to be feasible
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in wanting a relationship with someone that we forget to be realistic about what we should be realistic about. If a guy feels like your life goals would restrict him from pursuing his, then the issue will quickly be the biggest problem in getting him to commit, and is probably why he chose her over you.
10. He may have problems
TetianaKtv / Shutterstock
Broken men marry broken women. This is just a fact. If you were too healthy for him, kept trying to make things better, but weren’t putting up with toxic behaviors, there’s a good reason why he may not have wanted to marry you.
Broken men want broken relationships, personal punching bags, and messed up dynamics. Just because he walked down the aisle with her doesn’t mean that he’s good to her, that this isn’t some weird way to replay the past, or that she’s even happy with him.
11. He just may not have been ready
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
Look, at lot can change in six months — a whole lot! If he wasn’t ready back then, broke up with you, and suddenly had a huge lifestyle change that made marriage worth it, then it’s possible that he decided to marry the next girl for one reason or another.
That being said, I don’t believe in the concept of “too early” or “not being ready” for marriage, so take that as you will.
12. She may have had other non-negotiable traits that you didn’t have, won’t have, or can’t have
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
The bottom line for a lot of these cases is that men have traits they seek out in spouses, and if you don’t have what they’re looking for, you will not be considered wife material. You also can’t change who you are just to get a ring. Trust me, I’ve tried that.
A 2015 study found that men choosing women who lack non-negotiable traits that they don't possess can be attributed to a combination of factors, including low self-esteem, a desire for validation, familiarity, and even unconscious patterns related to childhood experiences. Seeking partners who reinforce their self-perception, even if it means settling for less-than-ideal qualities.
13. For one random reason or another, he believed you weren’t the one for him
Pormezz / Shutterstock
Sadly, attraction and marriage decisions don’t always make sense. I wish they did, but they don’t. Most of the time, guys who end up doing this also end up single within a couple of years, which only goes to show that the girl they chose might not have been the best choice for them.
It’s his journey in life that he has to travel and he’s going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions. And unfortunately, nothing you can say or do will change that.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.