We Surveyed Hundreds Of Newlyweds — Couples Who Do These 7 Things Vibe Together Forever
How to nudge your couple vibes in the right direction.
Hendo Wang | Unsplash When writer Miriam Arond and her husband, psychiatrist Samuel L. Pauker, M.D., surveyed hundreds of newlywed couples across the nation, they discovered that 85 percent had been intimate before tying the knot. Yet, the frequency and quality of unmarried intimacy had little to do with the reality of married intimacy.
"The excitement of getting married gives couples a hit of dopamine — a feel-good brain chemical that increases drive. For a few months after marriage, things may stay hot," says marriage therapist Pat Love, Ed.D. "And while you still love each other and feel passionate about each other, the dopamine does settle down. You're back to real life. Your normal drive set point kicks back in. Your expectations about married intimacy take over. It's the perfect time to do the delicious work of deepening your bond."
"The challenge for couples is balancing a sense of intimacy and safety and security with a sense of unpredictability and creativity," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychology professor at American University in Washington, D.C. Understanding the real issues that couples face can help keep intimacy fun and fulfilling and keep the both of you vibing together now and for the rest of your lives.
Why couples who do these things vibe together forever:
1. Revisit first base
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"The first two years of marriage are critical for building an intimate style that includes shared pleasure and deeper intimacy. Aim for that. Otherwise, intimacy problems can become the focus of your relationship," Dr. McCarthy notes.
The prescription? First, go back to the first, second, and third base — touching for physical pleasure, not necessarily intimate. And get past old-fashioned man/woman roles that stand in the way of an emotionally close and seductive love life.
2. Emphasize affection
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"Exploration and touch without the expectation of being intimate help couples get to know each other's bodies and needs — you learn what kinds of touch are pleasurable as a giver and recipient," Dr. McCarthy says. Pleasure and affection keep you close even when you don't want to be intimate.
Research consistently highlights the significant role of emphasizing pleasure, particularly physical pleasure, in maintaining healthy relationships, indicating that a positive and fulfilling intimate life contributes significantly to relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and overall well-being between partners. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology showed that couples prioritizing pleasure experience better communication, stronger emotional bonds, and higher levels of commitment.
3. Nurture emotional intimacy
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Feeling understood, supported, and valued will make you both feel closer and more receptive to physical closeness. Research from a 2017 study highlighted the critical role of emotional intimacy in maintaining healthy relationships.
It emphasizes that nurturing this deep connection between partners fosters trust, mutual respect, and a strong sense of security, ultimately leading to greater relationship satisfaction and resilience when facing challenges. A lack of emotional intimacy can significantly impact relationship quality and individual well-being.
4. Pay attention to the 'no-big-deal' relationship issues
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"I found out early on that relational issues that seem to have nothing to do with the act of intimacy itself make a huge difference to my wife and her interest in me," husband Greg Hunt says. "I learned to pay attention to things I wasn't naturally good at. If I'm ignoring her and also not paying attention to things like chores around the house, she's not going to feel cozy and intimate at bedtime."
5. Have realistic expectations
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In particular, dial back on multi-time, transcendental expectations. Even for the most happily married couples, more than 10 percent of intimacy isn't even pleasurable for one or both spouses, Dr. McCarthy says.
An off night — maybe the intimacy is hurried, you're tired or distracted, or simply uncomfortable — doesn't mean you've got a big problem. It's life.
6. Don't sweat the small stuff
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Things happen in a marriage. Someone had a bad day at work and was cut off in traffic driving home. Don't let it ruin the whole night.
This is important for relationship health, as it allows couples to focus on significant issues rather than getting bogged down by minor annoyances. This leads to increased satisfaction and stability within the partnership.
A 2008 study referred to this as practicing benevolent cognitions, where partners interpret each other's actions positively and minimize negative attributions, especially when dealing with minor inconveniences.
7. Make your connection eye-to-eye, soul-to-soul
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Look into your partner's eyes and realize that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Eye gazing is essential for relationship health.
It fosters a more profound connection, builds trust, enhances intimacy, and can even trigger the release of oxytocin, often called the love hormone. A study published by Computers in Human Behavior explained that eye contact is a crucial nonverbal cue that demonstrates engagement, attentiveness, and interest in what your partner is saying.
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