8 Common Traits Of People Who Are Simply Incapable Of Love
Love is a foreign, difficult concept for people with these traits.
EugeneEdge | Shutterstock Love is something that everyone should be able to do, but some people are simply incapable. No matter how much you try with some people, they will never be capable of loving or even showing empathy to other people.
Those who are incapable of love are likely only out there for themselves. And the moment you become inconvenient, useless, or otherwise not interesting, they’re done with you. Or, worse still, they may just date you because hurting you or controlling you makes them feel better.
What I’m saying is that these people are bad news. When I used to date, I often wanted to show people who were like this that love was a real thing, only to get burned, time and time again. Like many, I wondered if people were capable of being able to love in general.
Here are the common traits of people who are incapable of love:
1. They hold significant gender discrimination
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
If someone hates the opposite gender or talks about seeing them as objects, I have news for you: They can't love you. They are incapable of love.
How can they love a person that they're automatically written off as a member of a group they hate? The truth is, they can’t. They just can’t.
Going into a relationship with someone who hates your gender will mean that they’ll always find fault with what you do, no matter how good to them you are. Leave people like this alone — all they know is hate, and you don’t need that poison around you.
2. They have a history of abuse and cheating
Ekateryna Zubal / Shutterstock
Some behaviors don’t change, ever. This is because the behaviors in question tend to be a part of that person’s character and moral fiber.
If they have a history and a reputation for cheating on their partner and abusing them, then that tells you volumes about their character. Someone doesn’t do this to their partners if they love them, and a leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Individuals who have cheated in past relationships are significantly more likely to cheat again in future relationships. A study by the Current Research Journal of Social Sciences showed a roughly three times higher chance of infidelity if they have a history of cheating.
This means dating someone with a history of cheating should be approached with caution and requires careful consideration of their reasons for past behavior and current commitment to fidelity.
The study recommended discussing their past infidelity openly and honestly, asking about the reasons behind it and what steps they have taken to address the issues.
3. They are incredibly shallow
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock
After having seen the difference in the way people treat me after gaining and losing weight, I have become a firm believer that exceedingly shallow people aren’t capable of loving anyone but themselves.
This is especially true if they brag about “only dating hot people” and don’t seem to listen to you when you try to talk about yourself. If you were to gain weight or lose those looks, who’s to say that they would still be interested in you? Chances are, they’d leave.
4. They have a history of using people
Kmpzzz / Shutterstock
If they use other people for their own financial or social gain, who’s to say they won’t do the same with you?
You should never expect to be an exception when it comes to someone’s behavior. If the people they surround themselves with are people they want to use, then they're going to use you, too.
Research published in 2017 focused on concepts like manipulation, personality disorders, attachment styles, and red flags in relationships. They explained how love bombing is a manipulative tactic where someone showers a new partner with excessive attention and affection in the early stages of a relationship, only to withdraw later, leaving the partner feeling confused and dependent.
5. They see dating as transactional
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
A lot of people confuse dating as a game, with the ultimate goal of winning you, as a trophy — and that’s not healthy. People who have these bizarre, unrealistic views on what they believe to be "love."
They buy into this notion that people are entitled to partners and that buying dinner for someone means that they are now entitled to intimacy.
Unfortunately, this kind of Neanderthal disconnect makes it impossible for people to see others as people with personalities and complex emotions. They can’t love you if all they see is a shiny toy they can buy after a three-date installment plan.
6. They are completely self-centered
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock
There are a lot of things that being selfish can be good for, but love isn’t one of them.
Having dated a lot of selfish people, I can tell you that people who only care for themselves are people who will expect you to be an accessory to their lives rather than a partner. Once they decide you’re “out of season,” they’ll stop bothering with trying to keep up the relationship.
7. They refuse to be held accountable for anything
Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock
This means they're no good for you (or anyone else, for that matter), and they've got a long list of problems you just don’t want to begin to touch. It also means that they're incapable of the mature, thoughtful, loving gesture of admitting they're wrong when they actually are wrong.
This is one of the basic principles of upholding a strong relationship, and if they can't do that, it's not even worth exploring everything else they won't be able to put forth, even if you want to get serious.
A partner consistently refusing to take the blame for anything is often linked to defense mechanisms like blame shifting or projection. This behavior can stem from low self-esteem, insecurity, or even narcissistic tendencies and can significantly damage relationships by creating an imbalance and preventing healthy conflict resolution.
If it is persistent and considerably impacts the relationship, a 2019 study recommended that couples therapy be considered to address underlying issues and develop healthier communication patterns.
8. They always have an excuse
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
They bailed on their pregnant partner because they “were too young to take on that responsibility.” They cheated on their ex because “they let themselves go.” They hit that one person because it was "their fault" and "they were asking for it.”
This is often linked to a defense mechanism called rationalization, which essentially means justifying their actions by creating seemingly reasonable explanations to avoid taking responsibility.
A 2012 American Psychological Association study concluded that this behavior can damage relationships by undermining trust and communication. It can stem from underlying issues like fear of conflict, low self-esteem, or a lack of accountability.
Simply put: People who are truly capable of love don’t need to make excuses for horrible behavior because they don’t behave horribly.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.