Being Happy Is A Skill — And Psychology Says These 30 Life Lessons Are The Training Manual
Use these powerful lessons as your ultimate guide to living a happier, more fulfilling life.
Jake Fagan | Unsplash If you look around you, most people are busy pursuing happiness as if it were a goal to be achieved. People work to earn money to spend on travel and restaurants. They buy things they don’t like and have relationships with people they aren’t connected to to feel a quick high. They work hard to achieve status and the approval of others.
Happiness as a skill makes a lot more sense. Instead of it being a win-lose, a skill is something you can apply at any time. Someone good at being happy can choose to be satisfied at any time in their life, regardless of the circumstances.
We also have another robust outlook: if happiness is a skill, anyone can learn it — in fact, the following life lessons are basically the training manual.
Being happy is a skill and psychology says these life lessons are the training manual:
1. Control what you can control, and ignore everything else
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You can't control a lot of things in your life. You can't control when your friends or family members pass away. You can't control if or when an intimate partner decides to leave you. You can't control the weather.
But you can control your response to any of these things. You can control your actions. You can control whether you follow through on your word or not.
You can't control everything, but you can control many important things. Focus on those if you really want happiness.
2. There's no such thing as perfect, only progress
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Perfection doesn't exist. Progress does.
Don't worry about tracking every goal obsessively. Don't worry about saying the perfect thing all the time. Don't worry about being in flawless good shape.
Instead, do your best. Keep moving forward. That's all any of us can ever do.
3. Accept everything
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To move through any challenging or sticky part of life, you must first learn to accept it fully. You can't let go of your arrogance until you acknowledge that you can sometimes be arrogant.
You can't consciously influence your income until you sit down and look at the truth of your financial life. You can't improve the quality of your intimate relationship until you've allowed yourself to accept the state that it's currently in.
You can't outrun the truth. So, accept everything, as it is, right now, and then you can work on it more effectively.
4. Write down your thoughts
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There are a few more powerful things you can do with your time than active self-reflection. Journaling is good for this.
Observe your thoughts in real time by regularly jotting them down with pen and paper. You might be amazed at what falls out of you.
5. Take responsibility for all of it
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Take responsibility for absolutely everything in your life, even when it's difficult. Feeling really out of shape? What have you done or not done to have that be your current reality?
Not enough money to go on a vacation? If you were to own that problem fully, how could you move through it and create enough value in the world so that this problem went away rapidly?
This stuff isn't easy, but it's a worthwhile lesson to understand.
6. Learn to cook and eat well
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Just like sleeping well, moving your body, and drinking lots of water, getting into the habit of eating nutrient-dense, whole foods is a force multiplier habit.
When you think of the negative impact of processed foods, it makes sense that eating food that is actually good for you is a step in the right direction. Do this, and the rest of your life is also positively impacted.
There is a strong link between cooking, eating well, and happiness. Studies show that cooking, especially at home, can boost mental well-being, self-esteem, and social connections, while healthy eating habits are associated with increased happiness and reduced stress.
7. Lead with a giving hand
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When you're forming new relationships, ensure that you always lead by trying to add value first, instead of trying to get value. People can see right through those who are being inauthentic. This habit alone will change how people respond to you for the rest of your life!
8. Give disproportionately more than you get
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To kick it up a notch, always aim to give more than you receive. Not because receiving is bad (receiving is beautiful, and it's an amazing skill to cultivate), but because providing value to others feels amazing for you as well.
9. Drink more water
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Drinking water helps with your digestion, sleep, and tons of other amazing things. Don't forget that physical health is just as important as mental health.
If this is consistently hard to do for you, buy a beautiful 1-2 liter water bottle that you feel compelled to carry around. When you have water available at all times, you will want to drink it more often.
A 2018 study suggests a link between adequate hydration and improved mood. Studies indicate that increased water intake is associated with reduced feelings of anxiety and depression and a greater sense of overall well-being.
10. Express gratitude to people you love
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To be truly happy in life, a tricky lesson to learn is sending "gratitude bombs" to your closest friends and family members. A gratitude bomb is a lengthy love letter to someone that you care deeply for.
Do this regularly. Let people know how they affect you. Everyone you love will pass one day, or you will pass first, so don't let your praise go unsaid.
11. Own less things
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Clutter in your physical space leads to clutter in your mind. Don't let your surroundings impact your mental wellness in such a negative way.
To combat this, give away or donate half of your clothes. Do the same for your books and other items you know you haven't used in over a year. Own fewer material items and aim for quality over quantity with the things that you own.
12. Spend as much time as you can face-to-face with people you love
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Technology allows us to connect with people all over the world, but nothing beats face-to-face connection time. As often as you can, meet up with your closest friends, favorite family members, and intimate partner, and have undistracted (AKA no phones) time together.
Connection is what we are hardwired for. And with anxiety and depression on the rise in developed nations, we've never had a stronger need for it. Strong social connections provide emotional support, combat loneliness, and contribute to a sense of belonging, all crucial for happiness.
A 2021 study found that long-term love boosts activation in cognitive areas of the brain, such as the angular gyrus, which is associated with complex language functions, and the mirror neuron system, which helps anticipate the actions of a loved one.
13. Drink a nutrient-dense smoothie every now and then
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Smoothies are great, as long as you're drinking the right ones. Don't slurp down 10 servings of fruit and pretend that it's healthy for you. Instead, opt for smoothies that are vegetable-heavy and include choice supplements.
14. Sweat every day
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Exercise is great for everything: your body, your brain, and your overall happiness (thanks, endorphins!). Make it a point to exercise more often.
15. Cry hard if you need to
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Few things feel more cathartic than bawling your eyes out. And there's nothing wrong with crying, despite what other people may think.
Cry hard, as often as you can, and you will experience lower anxiety, more connection with your emotional body, and more deeply fulfilling relationships as a result.
16. Laugh hard as often as you can
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Also, make sure to swing the pendulum into lightness as well. There's a time to cry, and there's a time to laugh. Do both.
17. Get in touch with your repressed anger
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Another emotion that often gets repressed is anger. Anger doesn't have a big place in society (except when you're watching sports).
But you should feel your anger fully, and see what it has been covering up for a while. You'll feel more boundaries, more self-expressed, and more whole after you feel it.
18. Find a coach or mentor you trust, and invest in them
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Whether it's hiring a coach to get you through becoming better at your passion, or overcoming your traumatic past, finding someone you resonate with helps you integrate those problems in short order.
If you feel stuck in some area of your life, you owe it to yourself to lean on the borrowed wisdom of others. You are your life's ultimate asset. Act accordingly.
19. Move your body regularly
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Your body needs to move, and your mind needs it to be fun and engaging. It doesn't need to be fancy.
Go for an extended walk. Dance around in your underwear. Go skateboarding. Play basketball with friends. It all works. Whatever your thing is, make sure you do it often.
20. Tell your stories
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You don't need to tell your stories to millions of people across the internet, but there's something truly healing about allowing your stories to be told.
Whatever truth is within you, it begs to come out. Tell your stories to close, trusted loved ones. Tell your stories in your notebook. And, yes, if you're feeling adventurous, start a blog and tell your stories publicly.
21. Eat your vegetables
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A lot of the world is nutrient-deficient. Combat that by eating a larger amount of vegetables.
Between a morning smoothie and nightly salad, aim to eat 10-20 servings of vegetables per day. This might seem like overkill, but vegetables are actually included in foods that increase your happiness. Just saying.
Studies indicate that people who increase their intake of fruits and vegetables experience improvements in their mental health, including increased happiness, life satisfaction, and overall well-being. Fruits and vegetables are rich in vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants, essential for brain function and mood regulation.
22. Supplement intelligently
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Speaking of micronutrients, there are many reasons that people are deficient in certain things. One reason is a plain old poor diet primarily consisting of overly processed foods.
Another reason is soil erosion (fewer nutrients in the foods that we're eating, even if they are healthy foods). That's why it's best to supplement with certain things every day, whether it's Vitamin C, Curcumin (turmeric), or Omega 3 fish oil.
Depending on your unique genetic makeup and lifestyle, there's a good chance that your health, immune system, and cognitive functioning would greatly benefit from supplementing with certain things. Talk to a nutritionist, naturopath, and your doctor about being in the best shape possible with your health.
23. Build your own team of healthcare professionals
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Maybe you have a well-versed, multi-disciplinary medical doctor that you go and see. If this is the case, fantastic.
But if you've ever had a health scare that you couldn't get to the bottom of, it's highly likely that (at some point in your life) you will need to become your doctor and build a team of professionals around you to support you in your healing.
There's no shame in receiving support, especially when it comes to your health.
24. Buy an alarm clock
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Having your phone in your bedroom will negatively impact the quality of your sleep, the quality of your relationship, and your stress levels. Instead, opt for an alarm clock.
Plug in your phone somewhere outside of your bedroom. Make your bedroom a tech-free haven and see just how much happier you become as a result.
While no direct research links buying an alarm clock to happiness, studies suggest that spending on time-saving purchases or experiences can lead to greater happiness than spending on material goods and that a well-functioning alarm clock can contribute to a more positive morning routine.
25. Know yourself
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You suffer in life to the degree that you don't know yourself. But the more mirrors you can set up in your life to know yourself, the better.
People who don't know themselves spend countless years in unfulfilling relationships, misaligned careers, and geographical locations that don't fit with what would actually bring them joy. Know yourself, realize what you actually want in life, and honor your beliefs and standards.
26. Join a weekly support group or start your own
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One of the most potent ways that you can begin to know yourself more fully and live in greater alignment with yourself is by joining a regular group. Men's groups, women's groups, mastermind groups, special interest groups, MeetUp groups... the options are unlimited.
Whatever area you're looking to grow in, do a Google search for that, plus the name of your city, and see what's in your area. If you can't find exactly what you're looking for, start your own group.
Not only will you grow in the area you're looking to grow in, but you'll also become more adept at extending to others while simultaneously practicing your leadership abilities.
27. Read just as many books about relationships as you do fiction
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Relationships matter more than anything else in your life. Don't believe it, ask Harvard. If you haven't read a book on relationships, swap them for your beach reads once in a while.
28. Ask challenging questions to yourself and others
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You grow in life to the degree that you're willing to lean into difficult conversations. Ask tough questions.
Speak challenging truths. Have the conversation you've been putting off with the person that you love. Lean into your discomfort and you will gain more confidence for every unit of courage that you expend.
29. Follow your bliss
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Not sure what to do with your life? Follow your bliss and learn life lessons. That's it. That's the ultimate life hack.
Seek out the things that make you happy, and find a way to make that what you fill your calendar with. Spend time with people you love. Turn your passion into your career. Do exercise you love.
Whatever gives you goosebumps or makes you tear up with joy, do that. Do a lot more of that.
30. Tell everyone you love that you love them
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Get in the habit of telling your favorite people that you love them, every day. Make this a non-negotiable practice.
You'll improve your relationships, you'll feel warm and fuzzy, and you'll be more effective in life because you won't have unspoken truths weighing you down. Expressing love and nurturing strong relationships, including those with family and friends, are strongly linked to increased happiness and well-being.
A 2022 study concluded that helping others can improve support networks, encourage activity, and create a sense of belonging, reducing isolation.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.