10 Early Relationship 'Oopsies' Couples Make That Are Sadly Hard To Undo
Little mistakes cause couples to drift from being one heart.
Arthur Arata | Canva There are early relationship oopsies couples make that can be hard to undo and often end in sabotage. But there's always room for improvement in relationships, and hopefully, couples can attain an "aha" moment, great conversations, and behavioral changes.
With a little bit of luck and knowledge, couples can reverse course before too much damage has been done.
Here are early relationship oopsies couples make that are sadly hard to undo:
1. Focusing more on what's wrong rather than what's right
The fundamental truth in life is that humans tend to find what they look for in their world. Some people are convinced we're on the path to immediate ruin, while others believe we're living in the most exciting time to be alive in history.
Both opinions can point to outstanding arguments to support their premise. But how can they both be right when they live in the same world?
We do this because humans can live in a world of their own making, simply by choosing where we focus. However, when couples stick to this mindset of choosing the negative over the positive, it can lead to conflict.
What to do instead: You can focus on what a lazy, forgetful, good-for-nothing partner you have, or you can see them as a wonderful and loving partner who occasionally overlooks a request when they are distracted. Let the small things go and focus on how to improve your partnership.
2. Preferring to be right rather than happy
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As long as we're talking about how to respond proactively when things go wrong, let's just acknowledge that there will inevitably be times when your partner falls short, makes a mistake, or just blows it.
Even though it may seem justified at the moment, choosing a righteous response will only damage trust and create lingering resentment. Plus, it will teach them to stonewall, deny and argue, instead of simply apologizing and admitting a mistake in the future.
What to do instead: It's critical and smart to condition the behavior you want to see by using rewards and not punishment if you want a relationship that lasts.
Take the high road and give your partner the benefit of the doubt, especially if they don't expect or feel they deserve it. It builds up appreciation, goodwill, and a desire to do even better to please you next time.
"By taking advantage of the countless opportunities that present themselves daily to offer sincere gratitude through our words and behaviors," advised marriage coaches Linda And Charlie Bloom, "we are doing more to enhance each other’s mutual well-being than giving each other anything that money can buy. We refer to this understanding as "enlightened self-interest" or the recognition that when I do something that is intended to enhance the well-being of another, my own well-being is correspondingly enhanced."
Whenever possible, give people a graceful way to save face when they mess up. Have the humility to apologize quickly if you're the one who messes up. Both habits will go a very long way to creating and sustaining the love you deserve.
3. Making it all about themselves
Human beings will usually try to meet their perceived needs, even if it occasionally means violating their values in some way. The truth is, it often has very little to do with anyone else because someone else's needs simply aren't as critical as your own needs.
That's why it's a huge waste of time and energy to demonize a partner's actions and make them about you. A healthy relationship involves partners who don't take everything to heart and make themselves the center of the situation.
What to do instead: Choose to empathize with their needs. What better way to demonstrate maturity and your value than by acknowledging that your partner has needs that also deserve to be met? Do your best to be the one who can help them meet those needs better than anyone else.
When you take things personally and get your feelings hurt too easily, it closes off communication, makes problem-solving nearly impossible, and leaves you both at risk. Instead, be open to hearing what your partner wants and needs. Look for the common ground instead of the insult.
4. Not creating a safe space for their partner to speak openly
Bad habits and poor strategies that don't work are a slippery slope to ruin. People need to be seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated just as they are. They don't want to be judged, manipulated, or treated as if they're wrong and broken.
Sometimes, people may think they need or want things that might be real deal-breakers for other people. A study in The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin supported that what they needed all along was just the acceptance that came with simply hearing them out and not making them wrong.
What to do instead: The key to remember is that as soon as you judge someone else, you lose all ability to influence them. If you can accept people where they are and give them more unconditional love than they've ever felt in their lives, that's the secret to an undying love.
Think about it: Why would someone risk losing the greatest partner they've ever had? Someone who also happens to always see the absolute best in them, even when they, themselves, temporarily lose sight of it. That is a powerful attribute and tough to ever leave.
5. Putting other people or things ahead of their relationship
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What you fail to celebrate will eventually deteriorate. A relationship, like all living things, needs nurturing, care, and ongoing nourishment if you want it to not only survive but thrive.
Too often, we get hypnotized by random unfinished business, never-ending demands, and the shiny objects of a 24/7 media world. But when we get caught up in other responsibilities, people, or even material items, we lose sight of how important our relationship is.
What to do instead: The key here is instituting rituals, because good intentions pave the way to breakups or, even worse, divorce. If you value what you have, schedule a regular date night or a bedtime ritual, like a nightly gratitude check-in or just couples' time.
This is not a time to vent or complain. It's a time to connect, wind down, and fill one another up for the next day. If that seems too overwhelming to do daily, try it once for a week or a month.
According to Dr. Lucy Brown and the late Dr. Helen Fisher, "It turns out that date night stimulates the same regions of the brain that are associated with early love. While it might not be as all-encompassing as the flood of chemicals released during the honeymoon phase, the effect from date night can be enough to ignite a new spark of passion."
6. Not knowing their partner's love language
If you knew exactly how to delight your partner over and over again and make them feel more loved, understood, and appreciated than they've ever felt in their whole life, would you do it? Of course, you would!
There are many times couples in crisis angrily claim, "I've done everything!" But the truth is if they did the right thing, they wouldn't be in crisis.
What to do instead: Honestly, the five love languages are a total game-changer. If you can learn more about love languages and which ones resonate with you and your partner most, you can forget worrying about a breakup.
7. Expecting their partner to think and act exactly as they do
Do you know the root cause of nearly every argument between a couple in a relationship? It's about some sort of discrepancy between their values, beliefs, habits, or expectations.
To be successful long-term, it's important to be on similar pages regarding some of life's most important topics. It's also worth remembering that a relationship is between two individuals.
What to do instead: Give your partner room to have their own opinions and views without trying to change them or manipulate them to your way of thinking. Effective partnership is really about voluntarily becoming a team because you recognize that, together, you are better than the sum of your parts, according to a study in the Journal of Counseling & Development.
When it comes to reconciling your differences, you only have three good choices: you can either celebrate them, mitigate them, or obliterate them. Which one would you prefer?
8. Allowing attraction to fizzle out
Two energies that are opposites create attraction and stick together effortlessly. Two energies that are the same repel one another. With masculine and feminine energies, it's not about gender — it's about energy.
Masculine energy is characterized by many attributes including things like strength, steadiness, logic, and a desire to protect. Feminine energy is characterized by traits like flow, flexibility, emotion, and a desire to nurture. When partners are living in their core energy, they attract naturally.
But under pressure, they lose their way and take on opposite attributes. When polarity is gone, masculine partners are seen as weak, indecisive, emotional, and ineffective. By the same token, feminine partners slip into behaviors that are seen as hardened, inflexible, emotionless, and uncaring. In other words, both partners find one another equally repulsive.
What to do instead: The solution is for two people to find the strength and resolve to recapture what they once had, protect it, and nurture it. Build it back to where it's stronger than ever and withstand whatever comes its way.
9. Losing respect for one another
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There are two states when it comes to living in true, complete, and radical authenticity. You are either living fully expressed, completely repressed, or somewhere in between.
People who are fully expressed and are well along on the path to self-actualization tend to be some of the happiest and most fulfilled people you'll ever meet. By the same token, repressed individuals tend to live with varying degrees of shame, unhappiness, or even self-loathing.
What to do instead: The beautiful thing about relationships at their best is that it's within the bounds of true intimacy where individuals are free to be completely self-expressed, accepted, and even protected. One of the great ironies in the human experience is that there may be no greater force to bring two people together than true radical authenticity.
People who are free and make no apologies for themselves are seen as compelling. Even when two parties are totally at odds with one another, nothing has the power to reunite them more beautifully than raw vulnerability, when expressed without attack.
"Change your thinking," recommended psychologist Cortney Warren. "It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well in your life and become preoccupied with it. Shift your thoughts and attitudes to focus on what you love about your life and what you can change about what isn’t going well. Make an effort to stop thinking about what you don’t like, don’t have, and can’t change.
10. Failing to embrace change
There is only one constant in life: Change is inevitable. The old joke is that women marry men thinking they'll change him. Men marry women thinking they'll never change. Somehow, they both end up being wrong.
The truth of the matter is that, throughout a lifetime, you will learn things, make new distinctions, and further clarify your values and beliefs.
What to do instead: You can either grow apart slowly over time or you can honor one another's journey. Find the common ground and do your best to expand it whenever possible.
"You can choose to do nothing and hope for the best, or you can choose to let the marriage die a natural death and move on. You can choose to address the issues and determine if you can reverse the drift and learn to regain a sense of closeness. If you feel desperate and know that it's almost too late, the two of you could make another decision. You can choose to find the best help available and, for a predetermined period, follow the direction of a skilled professional to find out if there is hope for rebuilding your marriage," suggested couples counselor David McFadden.
No one says you and your partner have to be of one mind on every possible issue. But you can be of one heart if you simply love them for who they are and who they are on the way to becoming.
Everyone is bound to change over time, but no one wants to be changed or feel pressured to conform. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to your partner.
Dave Elliott is a relationship coach, human behavior specialist, and author of The Catch Your Match Formula. He has appeared in multiple media outlets and publications, including eHarmony, PopSugar, Latina, Psych Central, and Fox News, among many others.