11 Things Gen X Boys Were Taught Growing Up That Turned Out To Be Wrong
Now fully grown men, Gen X boys have had to unlearn quite a bit.
yellowsarah from Getty Images Signature via Canva Every generation faces their own challenges, and no singular struggle is any more or less valid than any other. For all the cultural attention millennials and Gen Z get, Gen X often feels like the neglected middle sibling, and they’ve faced plenty of their own trials and tribulations. Gen X went from having latch-key childhoods to being DIY teens, and in some ways their fierce independence hurt more than it helped, especially as they got older. Of all the things Gen X boys were taught growing up that turned out to be wrong, not letting themselves be vulnerable may have been a major hindrance to their becoming their best selves.
Part of growing up means recognizing your faults and allowing yourself to change. When Gen X men give voice to the things they learned that didn’t actually serve them, they make themselves available to do the hard work of healing.
Here are 11 things Gen X boys were taught growing up that turned out to be wrong
1. Boys don’t cry
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One of the most damaging life lessons Gen X boys were taught growing up was that “boys don’t cry.” They were raised with a tough-love mentality and dangerously rigid gender ideals. They were told to “man up” and “get over it.” They were sent the message that being cool meant not caring, and so, they internalized that mindset, pushing tender feelings down, to a place they couldn’t be reached.
Former editor for The Good Men Project, Thomas G. Fiffer revealed a secret most men won’t share: they want to cry, even if they’re scared to show that side of themselves. Boys and men are held to harmful standards that dictate which emotions they should express and which ones they should bury deep within. As Fiffer pointed out, wholly unfair standards keep men from shedding tears or expressing their sadness out loud.
“Saying it is hard, impossible really, because he’s been raised and taught and trained to be strong for you, to protect you, and to provide for your needs,” he explained. “Saying it frightens him, but he’s not supposed to be afraid. That wouldn’t be man-like.”
“I want to cry on your shoulder, unleash a river of tears, and not be told to man up or asked what’s wrong with me,” Fiffer shared. “Because being this way, needing this way, is not un-manlike. It’s totally man-like.”
“Showing my emotions, sharing what makes me weak in the knees, and shining the light on my innermost secrets—this takes courage, an accepting partner, and a safe space,” he concluded.
Those Gen X boys who were told not to cry became men who couldn’t access their emotions, but the brave ones among them realized how much pain they were in and began the liberating work of getting in touch with their feelings.
2. Real men don’t talk about their feelings
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In keeping with the idea that they weren’t supposed to cry, Gen X boys were taught to idolize a deeply destructive version of masculinity. They saw younger versions of celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and his unmentionable posse of actor friends use and discard women. They watched commercials with the Marlboro Man, internalizing his stoic, rough-around-the-edges facade. Gen X boys were force-fed the idea that the strong silent type gets the girl. They learned to be emotionally unavailable, a message that damaged their connection to their own inner landscape and the people they loved most.
Speaker and writer Thomas Matlack penned an open letter to young men who are suffering, letting them know they’re not alone, no matter how isolated they feel.
“What I want you to know is that I love you, even if no one has ever loved you in your life,” he wrote. “I know what it is like to be where you are, and you do not deserve to suffer the way you are. No one deserves that. Every single one of us is worthy of love and affection. It is your birthright.”
“Do not believe any of that macho garbage. Strong men are not tough; they are courageous enough to get honest with another person,” Matlock concluded, distilling the truth of what it really means to be a man.
3. Being a provider is a man’s job
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Gen X boys were raised to fill a very specific role: providing for their families. They were taught that their worth as a man was directly tied to their jobs, their paychecks, and how late they stayed at the office. This traditional mentality was nothing new, but rather, a continuation of deeply entrenched beliefs around how family life should operate.
As much as Gen X boys swore they’d never be like their fathers, many of them were unable to separate truth from reality when it came to the idea that men should be providers. They threw themselves into their jobs, brushing aside any sense of work-life balance. They missed their kids' dance recitals and parent-teacher meetings. They took work calls from the sidelines of soccer practice. They prioritized the wrong thing, which left them feeling like outsiders, even within their own families.
Yet many Gen X men realized that what they were taught was entirely wrong. They took a long, hard look at their lives and decided to change. They made a commitment to show up, even imperfectly, because they knew that being present with the people they love is the most important thing.
4. Only women cook and clean
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Growing up, Gen X boys were taught that cooking and cleaning were women’s responsibilities, something that turned out to be very wrong. Many Gen X boys learned this lesson by example, watching their fathers avoid any task that was deemed “too feminine.” They repeated the behavior that was modeled in families of origin, only to wonder why their wives were so exhausted and resentful.
The mindset that women belong in the kitchen is a clear-cut example of toxic masculinity, which can be defined as “a type of hegemonic masculinity associated with rigid gender roles, dominance, and aggression.”
As psychology professor Michael Parent explained, “Toxic masculinity focuses on anti-women and anti-feminine attitudes, along with zero-sum thinking.”
A truly solid household dynamic can only be achieved when everyone pitches in. Gen X men don’t have to let history repeat itself. For every load of laundry they do, they’re showing their own sons how to be helpful, responsive partners, which is a lesson worth its weight in gold.
5. Dads don’t change diapers
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Gen X boys were raised with a hands-off approach to parenting. They were left to fend for themselves, and at the same time, they received alarming messages about gender roles within a family structure. Gen X boys learned that women were more nurturing than men, which is why the weight of caregiving was put on women’s shoulders.
Randy Flood, a psychotherapist and the founder of the Men’s Resource Center, pointed out that the shift in cultural values means that men have to show up for their families in a very different way than they were expected to in the past.
“It used to be that being a father meant you were providing clothes on their backs, food on the table, and a roof over their head,” he explained. “But now, men need to provide nurturing and other forms of support beyond economics.”
He came up with the non-clinical term “mascupathy” as a way to describe “a pathological form of masculinity that’s not healthy, fit, or whole for the world we live in.”
“There is a disease process that goes on when we raise boys to cut off half of their humanity in order to pursue the pinnacle of masculinity,” he shared. “We need to name it for what it is so that men are inspired to work on developing a more balanced form of masculinity.”
Many Gen X men and women have made an active decision to parent their own kids with a more present, attentive approach — their way of undoing generational trauma and promising their children a better future.
6. Getting divorced means you failed
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Of all the things Gen X carried over from their childhoods, one of the most impactful is their perspective on divorce. Scholar and journalist Olga Thierbach-McLean explained that “a preoccupation with divorce” has been a defining factor of Gen X’s lived experience, describing it as “a distinct cultural product of the latch-key generation.”
Gen X boys were taught to equate divorce with failure, as opposed to a viable option for people whose marriages are no longer working. Divorce is a painful and disruptive process, one imbued with significant loss, but it doesn’t mean you failed. Rather, it means your relationship has changed in a way that can’t be repaired.
Staying in an unhappy marriage can be more damaging than walking away. While getting divorced might lead you down a different path than you expected to walk along, it doesn’t undo the years you spent together.
7. Success is a product of hard work alone
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Gen X boys were taught to see their success as a product of their hard work and little to nothing else. They maintained a narrow world view around structural inequalities. Like the rest of America, they were raised with the bootstraps mentality, which led them to believe that everyone had the same access to opportunities, wealth, and power, it was just a matter of lifting yourself up and taking what’s yours.
In reality, the world works in much more nuanced and complicated ways. Success is based on so much more than just hard work. It comes from having connections and being in the right place at the right time. Accepting the fact that certain people have more privilege than others doesn’t negate the hard work anyone does. It just means you recognize that our society doesn't treat everyone equally.
8. Going to college is the only way to get a good job
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While it turned out to be wrong, Gen X boys were taught that going to college is the only way to have a high-paying job. They learned that the road to success required them to follow the rules: get good grades in high school, pick a practical major in college, and land a stable job right after you graduate.
Taking a linear trajectory benefited Gen X, but the professional landscape has changed drastically since they were in school. Many members of Gen Z have sworn off the traditional path that college provides, much to their Gen X parents’ disappointment. Yet their decision to forgo crushing student loan debt to attend trade school shows drive, initiative and flexibility, which are all key aspects of professional success.
9. Company loyalty always pays off
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Gen X boys were taught to pledge their lives to one job and rise through the ranks, so they would reach the top of the corporate ladder over time. They were brought up by boomers, whose professional motivations were duty, teamwork, and company affiliation. Boomers believed that success required sacrifice, and it only came after you paid your dues.
The concept of job security doesn’t exist now like it once did. The changing tides of the American workplace made the concept of company loyalty completely outdated, so Gen X took on a different tactic. They’re more motivated by their personal professional interests than the company’s interests. They don’t hesitate to move on if their employer fails to meet their needs.
Their parents might see this as job hopping, but Gen X understands that they have to put themselves first, even at work.
10. Buying a home is a solid investment
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Gen X followed in their parents’ footsteps, absorbing the idea that being a homeowner is a stable way to build wealth. That turned out to be wrong, which many found out when the housing market came crashing down in 2007.
According to the Pew Research Center, Gen X took an especially hard hit during the Great Recession. They were new to the housing market, which meant they were more likely to buy homes at peak prices and take on more mortgage debt.
While Gen X lost more wealth from 2007 to 2009 than other generations, they’re also the only generation who recovered the money they lost. The median net worth of Gen X households rose 115% between 2010 and 2018, setting them up for a more secure future than their younger counterparts.
11. Going to therapy means something’s wrong with you
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Of all the things Gen X boys were taught growing up that turned out to be wrong, the idea that going to therapy meant you were broken was particularly harmful. The stigma against mental health wasn’t an issue only for Gen X boys, but many men continued to avoid therapy, even as cultural attitudes began to change.
They had a hard time shaking off that mindset, keeping them stuck in patterns that stifled their emotional development. Yet little by little, more men are embracing an essential truth: Talking about your vulnerabilities is the only way to create true connection.
As relationship expert James Michael Sama shared, “Men need to be men.”
“They need to contribute, add value, and feel appreciated for doing so,” he continued. “They need to be communicated with. To be loved, listened to, and heard. They need to be able to express themselves both to each other and to women, without being thought of as ‘less of a man.’”
“Real strength is being able to show all sides of yourself without fear of being judged or without being deeply hurt if you are judged,” he concluded. “Real strength is honesty. It’s exposure. It’s risk. It’s being genuine in a world that doesn’t always seem to appreciate it.”
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.