10 Life Lessons Gen X Had To Learn The Hard Way
Growing up a latchkey kid meant learning to handle quite a lot of things on your own.
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock Gen X was born between 1965 and 1980, which means this year they'll be turning 45 to 60 years old. As a smaller generational cohort, Gen X is often referred to as the forgotten middle child, stuck between boomers and millennials. It’s a fairly fitting description for the latch-key generation, many of whom claim to have essentially raised themselves, having to learn many life lessons the hard way.
Gen X developed their fierce sense of independence early on, holding on tight to self-reliance and skepticism. And as they get older, releasing patterns that no longer serve them might just be their biggest challenge.
Here are 10 life lessons Gen X had to learn the hard way
1. Other people’s opinions don’t matter
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that other people’s opinions don’t matter as long as you’re happy with who you are. Their boomer parents may have criticized their propensity for ripped jeans and baggy flannels, but Gen X didn’t let disapproval sway them from being true to themselves.
Gen X told off anyone who judged them with a resounding “Whatever.” The slacker generation shrugged off outside opinions. While that may have had more to do with youthful apathy than anything else, Gen X wouldn’t dare to let anyone else define them. They learned the difficult yet valuable lesson of how to be their authentic selves.
Gen X couldn’t control how other people saw them, which gave them the freedom to present however they wanted. As well-being expert Tchicki Davis pointed out, “Being yourself can feel risky, and it is. But if you have to hide who you really are, you can end up feeling lost, lonely, or even worthless, because you are basically telling yourself that who you really are isn’t okay.”
“Rather than letting fear drive our self-expression, we need to learn how to accept ourselves so we can truly be who we are,” Davis concluded. “To be fully ourselves we have to be our full selves.”
2. The only person who can save you is yourself
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Another life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that the only person who can save you is yourself. Gen X learned this lesson in the most literal sense. They came of age in an era of rising divorce rates and a higher frequency of moms working outside of the home. A significant portion of Gen X was left to fend for themselves the minute school was over.
The lack of parental oversight provided Gen X a freedom that hasn’t existed since. They rode their bikes without helmets, tearing down streets without supervision, drinking from garden hoses if they got thirsty. Gen X was nothing if not resilient, and their inner toughness protected them when no one else did.
According to an article published in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology, resilience can be defined as “the ability to bend but not break, bounce back, and perhaps even grow in the face of adverse life experiences.”
While resilience is often framed as self-sufficiency, psychologist Dr. Ann Masten shared that “much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.”
Believing they could only rely on themselves, Gen X got into the habit of putting up walls and keeping their distance, even from people they love. Gen X learned the hard way that no one was coming to save them, but that lesson had major emotional consequences.
3. Success without work-life balance isn’t true success
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that success without any semblance of work life-balance isn’t success, at all. They went from celebrating their slacker identities to competing for the coveted corner office. They upheld a mindset of “work hard, play hard,” but in reality, that motto tipped more toward “work hard, ignore everything else.”
Gen X pushed themselves over the edge of exhaustion and burnout before learning the lesson that any amount of professional success hinges on finding some semblance of balance. As career coach Lisa Petsinis pointed out, the stress of having a job “might be stealing your joy to wreak havoc on your life.”
“Finding a job to make your life better is a journey that requires self-awareness, strategic planning, and perseverance,” she shared. “Whether achieving a healthier work-life balance, following your interests or simply feeling more fulfilled, defining your aspirations is the first step toward finding a job that aligns with your goals and values.”
Gen X left many relics of their past behind them. They no longer hang out at malls or tease their hair into a separate dimension, but many continue to put work before their well-being, highlighting that they’re still learning the lesson on having work-life balance the hard way.
4. Vulnerability is essential to every relationship
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that it’s impossible to have healthy relationships without vulnerability. Starting at a young age, Gen X took great pride in not needing anyone. Their boomer parents weren’t especially emotionally available and having mental health struggles was stigmatized. Gen X was taught that expressing their feelings was a sign of weakness, a lesson that would take a lifetime to unlearn.
Clinical social worker Terry Gaspard revealed the true value of vulnerability.
“Self-sufficiency and autonomy can help us weather the storms of life, they can also rob us of true intimacy,” she shared. “If you're afraid of showing weakness or exposing yourself to your partner, you might not be aware that your fear is preventing you from being engaged in the relationship.”
“You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you're afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes,” Gaspard continued. “It's possible to be vulnerable to others without losing parts of yourself. By doing this, you'll be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy.”
5. Life paths are rarely linear
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that life journeys are rarely linear. Most people make multiple false starts before finding their way. Whatever path they wind up taking will have unavoidable bumps and unmapped detours. They’ll confront dead ends that force them to choose a new direction.
They might reach the midpoint of their journey and realize they have no earthly idea where they’re heading, which is why being open to every opportunity is crucial.
Gen X was taught that following one rigid career path was how they’d find success, but the current job market is vastly different from the one Gen X entered in their young adulthood. The heady combination of recessions, layoffs, and worldwide upheaval showed how important it is to stay flexible, above everything else.
Gen X might not have pictured their future playing out as it has. They’ve learned the lesson of adaptability the hard way, and it’s not one they’ll forget anytime soon.
6. There’s no perfect way to be a parent
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that there’s no such thing as perfection when it comes to parenting. Gen X’s experience with their own parents could be viewed through the framework of emotional neglect. As a result, Gen X made a conscious decision to raise their kids in direct opposition to their own feral childhoods, and the concept of helicopter parenting was born.
As therapist Amelia Kelley shared with Parents’ Magazine, “Theories [are that] this generation became so interested in learning more about parenting in response to their lack of experiencing sufficient support as children themselves. They are incredibly interested in encouraging individual choice while trying to remain engaged as parents.”
Clinical psychologist Holly Schiff noted that “helicopter parents are highly protective. While this can be beneficial when it comes to safety and security, [their] children lack independence, which can affect them into adulthood. They also tend to lack emotional resilience.”
No parenting style is perfect and no parent has every right answer. All anyone can really do is to approach parenting from a place of unconditional love and unwavering guidance, cross their fingers, and hope for the best.
7. Old age comes for everyone
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that old age comes for everyone. Once, way back when, Gen X represented all things cutting-edge. They were the MTV generation, the first ones to see music videos flicker across their TV screens. Gen X had grunge and alt-rock, hip-hop and synthpop. They were disillusioned and disaffected. Apathy was a definitive part of Gen X’s identity. Not caring was cool, in the way that only young people believe it to be.
Being young makes people believe their lives are static — that somehow, the earth will stop spinning on its axis, giving them unending chances to do whatever they want. Flash forward a few decades to reveal that Gen X is learning the hard lesson that time waits for no one. They might have wrinkles at the edges of their smile and their hairlines might be moving backwards, but with age, comes wisdom.
As long as Gen X approaches getting older with grace and self-compassion, they’ll stay open-minded and adaptable to whatever changes come their way. Ultimately, Gen X is only as old as they feel.
8. Building community is more important than being independent
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that building community matters more than being independent. Autonomy is a core aspect of Gen X’s lived experience. They paved their own way, refusing to be judged by outside standards.
Their self-sufficiency stems from the shift in American family structures. Divorce was a common thread of many Gen X childhoods. An article published in JSTOR noted that by 1980, women’s divorce rates were the highest they’d ever been, surpassing 22%, a marked difference from the previous decade’s divorce rate of 14.9%.
Gen X’s self-reliant mindset crystallized as they got older and its consequent rigidity was detrimental to their emotional well-being. They held tight to the deeply-ingrained idea that going to therapy meant they were weak. After a lifetime of learning that sharing their feelings was nowhere near cool, they struggled to stay connected to their spouses.
Gen X women, especially, learned the pitfalls of independence the hard way. They absorbed the distorted perspective, passed down by their mothers, that they could have it all. They could balance motherhood and maintaining a household with corporate careers and upward professional mobility — and they could do it alone.
Carrying all that weight left Gen X women feeling burnt out, isolated, and resentful. After a lifetime of pushing their DIY mentality to the extreme, Gen X is rewriting their narrative. They’ve come to accept that no person is an island. They’re asking for help and discovering the beauty of being interconnected.
9. Cynicism evokes bitterness
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that cynicism inevitably leads to bitterness. Every generation has values and principles that act as a blueprint for their behavior. Being skeptical was Gen X’s way of entering the world.
Gen X didn’t trust institutions or authority. They were wary of both being sold to and of selling out. In an analysis of Gen X’s decision-making processes, marketing firm Mediaculture pointed out that “skepticism plays a significant role in how Gen X views the world.”
Mediaculture maintained that “their skepticism is not cynicism but rather a critical eye towards claims and promises, whether originating from brands, politicians, or other sources of information… their skeptical approach acts as a filter, guiding them towards decisions that are well-informed and carefully considered.”
Being skeptical creates hardness, leading to cynicism. Being cynical stops people from experiencing the fullness of the world. While their sharp sarcasm and commitment to irony and apathy served them well, Gen X is figuring out that making a permanent home in those traits holds them back from feeling the wonder and joy that life can bring.
10. Going it alone is the wrong approach
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A life lesson Gen X had to learn the hard way is that going it alone is the wrong approach. Gen X takes great pride in being left to their own devices, especially during their younger years. They were raised with a tough love approach that taught them not to rely on anyone but themselves. Their parents made declarations like, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” If Gen X dared to express difficult emotions, their parents labeled them as overly sensitive.
It’s no surprise that Gen X relied on major measures of self-protection to keep people from getting too close.
As they grow older, Gen X is choosing connection over isolation. They’re learning that getting their needs met isn’t needy, but rather, a human right.
Gen X is dismantling the walls they built around their hearts and letting others in, and their lives are much richer for it.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.