12 Ways To Talk Confidently With Literally Anyone Who Intimidates You, According To Psychology
Tools that work when you commit to them.
Minerva Studio | Canva Connecting with others can be one of life's greatest joys. But for some people, communication can also be intimidating — especially with new people or those they perceive as intimidating. While there is no single reason why someone may intimidate us, as a psychologist, I know that feelings of intimidation can be anxiety-invoking and confusing.
But no matter how intimidated you are by the person, this feeling doesn’t take away your strengths and abilities. Here are a few things that can help.
12 ways to talk to anyone intimidates you, according to psychology
1. Notice when you compare yourself to others and make an effort to stop
Although the personal qualities and attributes of others do not determine our value, they can prompt unnecessary comparisons, as supported by research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. These comparisons can stem from personal career achievements, the type of home someone else lives in, the number of friends we have in our circle versus the number of friends someone else has in their circle, etc.
Often, people feel intimidated due to insecurities, low self-esteem, diminished sense of self, or high anxiety levels. Needless to say, once we have deemed someone in our head as intimidating, it can be hard to convince ourselves otherwise.
One thing to remember when we experience feelings of intimidation is to remind ourselves no one is perfect, and we are all flawed in some way.
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2. Explore why you feel intimidated
- What about the conversations with this person lead to feelings of intimidation and inadequacies?
- Does this feeling occur only when you are speaking with them?
- Does it happen any other time?
- Are there specific topics of conversation with this person that illicit feelings of intimidation?
- Have there been any recent changes in your life that you may not like or are uncomfortable with?
3. Plan ahead for conversations with people who intimidate you
If you find you are feeling intimidated during conversations, there are some things you can do ahead of time to eliminate or diminish these feelings. Mark Neocleous in an article on trauma-anxiety-resilience helps show if you know or have a scheduled meeting with the person who intimidates you, come prepared for the conversation. Identify a few key items you would like to cover during the meeting/conversation.
4. Practice staying on topic
Try to ensure you stay on topic. Often, we become anxious or intimidated in conversation and tend to stray from the topic. Straying from the topic and drifting onto other topics can lead to confusion, a loss of interest in what is being discussed, and a lack of preparedness.
5. Remember: You won’t always have the answer
It’s OK to acknowledge you don't know the answer and have the confidence to seek and ask for clarity, as demonstrated by research on clarity, confidence, and confusion published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Remember, no one is perfect. We are all flawed. Therefore, when you begin experiencing that uncomfortable feeling of intimidation, remember the person you are speaking to is flawed, as well.
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6. Acknowledge what you bring to the conversation
In addition to recognizing what the other person brings to the conversation, recognize and acknowledge what you bring to the conversation. After all, most people would like to hold a conversation with someone who can add to the conversation and not repeat what was already said.
7. Be assertive and concise without rudeness
Just because you perceive someone else as being more intelligent or successful, it does not mean your thoughts are accurate.
8. Take a beat before you respond to a question
Research in The Annual Review of Psychology helps us understand when we are anxious or intimidated, we tend to rely on automatic responses rather than thoughtful responses. Ask and listen more than you speak, ask for a moment to go over the question or more time to process it.
9. Stop negatively thinking about yourself
An article in Scientific Reports explains why you need to refrain from negative self-talk and self-deprecating thoughts during your conversation with someone who intimidates you. If you find your thoughts are self-deprecating, engage in immediate thought-stopping (stopping the negative thought as soon as you become cognizant of the thought) or thought-replacement (replacing the negative thought with a positive thought).
To use thought replacement effectively, the thought being replaced must be accurate and based upon prior success.
10. Try not to people-please
Avoid engaging in people-pleasing behaviors and agreeing during the conversation for the sake of agreeing. There is a way, to be honest about what you are thinking and feeling without being rude or challenging.
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11. Keep an open mind
Entering and remaining open-minded throughout the conversation. Remaining open-minded during the conversation can reduce feelings of anxiety and discomfort. This can also increase the likelihood of remaining on the topic during the conversation.
12. Stay focused to avoid the trap of comparisons
Avoid making comparisons between yourself and the person you are having a conversation with. Avoiding comparisons allows you to think clearly without becoming distracted by your inner thoughts.
One of the most important things you can do once you become uncomfortable or intimated during a conversation is to stay present. Try not to rush the conversation or minimize what you are feeling.
Instead, try to face what you feel, and once the conversation is done, explore what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Robin Sharma, “The fears we don’t face become our limits.” If you allow yourself to shrink and diminish during what you perceive to be an intimidating conversation, growth does not occur, so this is where you end and where you remain.
Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford is a psychologist who focuses on relationships, dating, and personality issues.