10 Phrases People Use When They Weren't Raised With Good Manners
People with bad manners tend to be more demanding and self-centered.
Heitor Verdi | Pexels Proper etiquette is an important part of making a positive impression. However, having good manners goes beyond just saying "please" and "thank you" — it also involves having a grateful mindset and thinking about other people's needs.
You can tell a lot about someone by what they say and how they say it. There are phrases people use when they weren't raised with good manners, making it easy to tell the difference between someone who's polite and someone who's not.
Here are 10 phrases people use when they weren't raised with good manners
1. 'You're wrong'
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People who weren't raised with good manners are quick to tell others they're wrong, without looking at their own fallibility. Declaring that another person is wrong isn't particularly polite. There are kinder ways to say the same thing, like, "I think you're mistaken," or "I'm not sure that's right."
Oftentimes, people who were raised with bad manners shift blame onto others, because the feeling of making a mistake is too uncomfortable to accept.
Journalist Kathryn Shulz explored the dynamics of being wrong in her TED Talk, "On Being Wrong." She asked, "Why do we get stuck in this feeling of being right? One reason actually has to do with the feeling of being wrong... It feels like being right."
Schulz described a concept she termed "Error blindness," which she explained as "A structural reason why we get stuck inside this feeling of rightness." She said, "Most of the time, we don't have any internal cue to let us know that we're wrong about something, until it's too late."
Schulz touched on another reason being wrong is so difficult, noting that we learn from an early age that "The way to succeed in life is to never make any mistakes." This lesson leads many people to have a perfectionist mindset, which means they struggle to admit when they've made a mistake.
Making mistakes is an inherent part of being human and being in relationships with others. A person who can't admit they're wrong or projects their own mistakes onto others likely lacks a sense of self-reflection, as well as good manners.
2. 'That's not my problem'
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Another phrase people use that indicates that they weren't raised with good manners is saying something isn't their problem.
Practicing random acts of kindness is one small way that we can help each other out, but a person without good manners doesn't see the value in extending themselves to anyone else. They might be the type of person who doesn't put their shopping cart back at the grocery store or ignores out-of-towners who need directions when they're lost, because they don't think those are their problems to solve.
Someone who says an issue isn't their problem probably wasn't raised to consider other people, which is why their manners are practically non-existent.
3. 'It's my way or the highway'
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When people are raised without good manners, they often turn into adults who expect everything to go their way. They lack flexibility and humility, which manifests in their attitude toward other people.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Lianne Avila explained that selfishness can negatively impact all types of relationships, from romantic partnerships to friendships to professional relationships.
Avila noted that always thinking you're right means you never learned to compromise, which can devastate relationships. Having a partner requires someone to give as much as they take, or else the inevitable imbalance will lead to resentment.
"Both people need to feel equal in relationships," Avila said. "When you don't feel equal, you will grow apart." Demanding that other people bend to your will and meet your needs with any reciprocity is a clear sign someone wasn't raised with good manners.
4. 'This is all your fault'
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A person who casts blame on others while ignoring how their own actions contributed to the conflict was probably raised without good manners.
According to a 2014 study, accepting responsibility for transgressions is connected to how people view personality, overall. Implicit theories of personality involve two distinct outlooks. There are people who believe personalities are malleable, known as incremental theory, or fixed, known as entity theory. The researchers found that people's beliefs on personality can affect the likelihood of them accepting responsibility for being wrong.
Researchers also noted that people often avoid admitting when they're at fault because it feels threatening to their sense of who they are. They discovered that people who think personalities can change are more likely to accept their mistakes because they see being wrong as an opportunity for growth and repair.
People who weren't raised with good manners tend to be more rigid. During a conflict, they don't look inward; rather, they project fault outward on the other person involved.
5. 'That's just how it is'
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Having a rigid mindset can also influence people's attitudes towards change. Just as someone who was raised with poor manners believes they're always right, they also believe they don't owe anyone an explanation for their actions or decisions.
By using the phrase "That's just how it is," people shut down any opportunity for constructive conversation. Instead of helping someone see things from their perspective or being open to other opinions, a person who has bad manners puts up walls and refuses to hear any alternatives.
6. 'Why would I apologize?'
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People who weren't raised with good manners don't see a need to say sorry, even when they know they've caused harm.
Instead of apologizing, they get defensive and double-down on what they've done. Not saying sorry can create a rift that's hard to come back from. Saying sorry enhances the emotional intimacy between people by creating a sense that they're on the same team.
When a person is raised without good manners, they're taught that validating other people's feelings isn't important.
7. 'Get away from me'
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Handling conflict is challenging for people who weren't raised with good manners. They often weren't instructed on how to sit with difficult feelings, which means they don't know how to process or express their emotions during the heat of a fight.
There's nothing wrong with taking time to oneself or asking for space, but saying it in an aggressive manner shows that someone was raised without good manners.
8. 'I need it right now'
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By the time we reach adulthood, most people have had their fair share of difficult colleagues. From officemates who spread rumors to co-workers who take credit for your hard work, the level of toxicity in any given job can vary widely.
If you're confronted by a manager who has no patience, you've probably heard them say some variation of "I need that right away." This phrase not only highlights their inflexibility, it's also impolite and shows that they weren't raised with good manners.
Even if a task at work is urgent, communicating with compassion and kindness isn't something that should get overlooked.
9. 'Shut up'
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This short phrase is the epitome of bad manners. People who say, "Shut up" weren't raised with good manners, nor were they taught to correct those manners throughout the course of their lifetime.
"Shut up" is a blunt statement. Its inherent harshness is jarring and using it is a clear indication that someone has bad manners. Just because a person expresses something they disagree with, doesn't mean anyone has the right to speak with such a rude tone.
10. 'What's your problem?'
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Asking, "What's your problem?" is another sign that a person wasn't raised with good manners. It's a confrontational and aggressive way to approach others.
People might use this phrase when their partner is in a bad mood or when their friends push back against something they've said. It's a disrespectful way to ask much kinder questions, like, "Are you okay?" or, "Did I do something wrong?"
People who weren't raised with good manners don't have to stay stuck in that position. They can adjust their attitude and reframe how they speak, so that they center on compassion and not cruelty.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.