10 Signs Someone Is Trying To Manipulate You With Kindness
Manipulation can be subtle and hard to detect.
Noiel | Shutterstock Some people are kind, and others are kind to get something from you. The first are treasures in your life, and the latter are simply manipulators who make you feel terrible.
Marriage and relationships writer Sheri Stritof said, “Someone who manipulates you knows your weaknesses and will use them against you. Suppose the person manipulating you is getting what they want from you. In that case, the manipulation will continue until you decide it has to stop and actively and intentionally put an end to it.” It’s important to be aware of the signs of manipulation, particularly the ones that can mask themselves as kindness, so you’re prepared to respond appropriately and protect yourself.
Here are 10 signs someone is trying to manipulate you with kindness:
1. They constantly flatter you
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One of the most significant signs someone is trying to manipulate you with kindness is using flattery. We often think of flattery as being a good thing, but it really isn’t. Flattery is, by definition, “insincere or excessive praise,” according to Merriam-Webster. So, while the things someone says when they’re flattering you may seem nice, they mean nothing to the person saying them.
In a study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, researchers wrote, “Sincere praise reliably conveys positive or negative feedback, while flattery always conveys positive but unreliable feedback.” Furthermore, researchers found that sincere praise had a “rewarding effect” that flattery could not replicate.
If someone is always saying nice things to you but feels a little empty or baseless, there’s a good chance that they’re just flattering you so they can get what they want. By making you think that you’re great, they are positioning themselves to find favor with you and manipulate you by doing so.
2. They love-bomb you
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Love-bombing is a newer term that’s generated a lot of buzz lately. PsychCentral writers Kaitlin Vogel and Christie Craft defined it as “manipulation through excessive attention, often showering you inappropriately with gifts, compliments, affection, and time.” People often report experiencing love-bombing in their romantic relationships.
Licensed counselor Maggie Holland explained why love-bombing can be so enticing. “It might feel great at first, but it usually leaves you isolated and makes you lose sight of who you are,” she said. “Once you’re ‘swept away,’ this attention might stop and leave you feeling like you’re seeking it out or chasing it down again.”
If someone is love-bombing you, they flood you with as much love as possible, making you feel special and cherished. Then, they rapidly pull that attention away, leaving you wondering what happened. It’s a vicious and painful cycle that does nothing but leave you hurting.
3. They give you passive-aggressive compliments
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Passive-aggressive compliments may seem friendly, but they aren’t compliments at all. Instead, they are laced with an undertone of hurtfulness that leaves you questioning your relationship with the other person. It may seem like a kind compliment, but it’s backhanded.
Stephanie Booth wrote for WebMD, “A passive-aggressive manipulator doesn’t voice negative feelings toward you. Instead, they find subtle, indirect ways to express their anger and undermine you.” Booth noted that this tactic is a chance for the other person to release anger, making you feel guilty and confused.
The next time you receive what you think is a compliment, take some time to consider whether it was indeed genuine. Kind people will compliment you freely with no ulterior motives, but people using kindness to manipulate you will compliment you from a place of anger.
4. They act charming
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We don’t typically equate manipulators with being charming. After all, manipulators are supposed to be bad. While this is true, one of the most popular manipulation tactics is acting charming to get what you want.
Booth noted that this is simply a way for the manipulator to get whatever they want. “Not all manipulative behavior comes across as negative,” she said. “Some manipulators may shower you with compliments and praise to build your trust. That way, you’re more likely to do what they want.”
It’s easy to trust someone charming, but it’s best to always be on guard. You never know when someone is genuinely charming versus when someone is turning on the charm to get something they want.
5. They make you feel bad for them
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Manipulative people have a way of making themselves out to be the victim in every situation. It’s never their fault, and they can never take responsibility for anything. Because of this, they will prey on your kindness by making you feel bad for them. They will seem like the sweetest, most innocent person in the world when they are responsible for the pain and suffering of others.
According to BetterHelp’s editorial team, “Manipulative people don’t often own up to their mistakes or wrongdoings. If it isn’t someone else’s fault, manipulative people often will find an excuse as to why it is, and it can be compelling. There is rarely any sense of accountability.”
If someone manipulates you with kindness, they will try to get you on their side and show you that they can’t be wrong. This is a fallacy, though. No one is infallible, and a genuinely kind person is willing to own up to their mistakes and work towards becoming better.
6. They kiss up to you
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Kissing up to someone is rarely, if ever, a good thing. It’s not genuine, and it’s simply a way to get others to think better of you. A person who kisses up to someone else will work hard to make it seem like they are the most important person and then withdraw their affection once they’ve gotten what they want.
BetterHelp’s editorial team put it this way: “Those who are skilled in using emotional manipulation will often try to make you feel great about yourself and shower you with praises and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world. They may eagerly agree with everything that you say to get what they want or to enter your inner circle of trust.”
These people cannot be trusted. They use a facade of kindness to get close to you and get what they want. They are master manipulators because they will seem like your best friend when they’re only using you.
7. They only show you kindness when it helps them
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People who wield kindness like a weapon are manipulators who cannot be trusted. Most people may be indifferent or rude to you, but when they know they need your help, they’ll slip on a smile and become sickeningly sweet. It’s hard for the average person to say no when someone is treating them with kindness, so this is especially dangerous.
Licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist Taylor Draughn shared, “They may act like they want to help you with anything you need, but in reality, they’re just trying to get what they want from you.” Manipulators know how to use kindness to their advantage and make it seem like they are good people when they aren’t.
Even though they may seem kind, and even though it may be hard to say no, it’s important to remember what this person’s behavior is usually like. If they aren’t typically kind to you, they’re likely only acting that way now to use you to get what they want.
8. They don’t have true compassion or empathy
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Genuinely kind people are just that — kind. They do care and want what’s best for you and everyone else. Someone using kindness to get what they want isn’t compassionate or empathetic. They don’t care; they only create the image that they do.
“People who strive for healthy relationships respect boundaries, take time to listen and engage in caring and supportive behaviors,” Robert N. Kraft, Ph.D., said. “Manipulative people ignore boundaries, feign concern and engage in unhealthy strategies to influence others to do their bidding.”
When dealing with manipulative people, their compassion and empathy will be fake. No matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise, they don’t care about you. They’re only interested in what they can get out of the relationship.
9. They don’t care about you after they get what they want
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What’s one of the top signs you’re being used? According to VeryWell Mind writer Sanjana Gupta, “The person doesn’t make an effort to be there for you when you need them. For instance, even though they borrow your car regularly, they may not agree to give you a ride to the airport.”
If someone only cares about you when it’s advantageous for them, then they’re just manipulating you. It may feel nice to bask in their concern for the limited time they offer it, but they will quickly retract it and leave you feeling cold and empty.
No relationship should leave you feeling that way. Kindness should be consistent and unchangeable regardless of whether that person is benefitting. Anything less isn’t worth your time.
10. They aren’t really kind
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Good manipulators are skilled at wearing masks. They can make themselves appear one way when they are another. Some will attempt to present a facade of kindness when, on the inside, they’re not kind at all.
Some manipulators may possess some level of kindness. They are human beings, after all. And some of the kindness they show you, while used for disingenuous purposes, is not fake. But if someone is faking all of their kindness and is not a kind person in the slightest, that’s a significant sign they’re manipulating you.
It’s hard to tell when this is happening to you, as manipulators are skilled. So don’t beat yourself up if you fall for the act. Holland added, “Remind yourself that you’re just a human being, doing the best you can, and that is enough.”
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.