11 Things People Do That Might Feel Kind, But Actually Give Their Personal Power Away
Kindness isn't weakness, but others may interpret it that way.
panophotograph | Shutterstock Being kind is an exceptional personality trait to have. Kindness has the power to heal, build strong relationships, and increase acceptance across all connections. But when you're kind to the point of neglecting your own wants and needs, it can become a huge issue for your well-being.
So, while kindness is truly an incredible thing to possess, there are certain things people do that might feel kind, but actually give their personal power away. And giving your power away can cost you admiration, respect, and interpersonal relationships you've worked hard to build.
Here are 11 things people do that might feel kind, but actually give their personal power away
1. They over-explain themselves
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People often think that over-explaining means giving information to the other person so there's more transparency and understanding. But as kind as this is, it can make it look like there's something to hide, and that person may be seeking reassurance within the conflict.
According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, over-explaining is rooted in deep childhood trauma where the individual had to, at some point, diffuse a stressful situation. The key to overcoming this is to acknowledge that it exists, saying to the other person that you're over-explaining too much within the conversation.
Doing this takes the power you have and gives it to the other individual. But you don't need to convince others of who you are or what you have done; instead, take your power back and let them decide whether to take you at your word or not.
2. They hold onto grudges
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While holding onto a grudge to spare someone's feelings may feel kind, it gives personal power away. Of course, people sometimes hold grudges against people who have wronged them, as it's in our nature to right a wrong or let it simmer overtime.
In the case of kind people, they may hold on to grudges from the past because they try to fix issues that are beyond their control. And according to a study from Psychological Science, holding on to grudges can cause health problems for a person not willing to offer up forgiveness. Additionally, unresolved anger, hostility, anxieties, and depression cause greater levels of cardiovascular activity within a person.
If you're truly a kind person, it's best to let go of the grudges from your past. Not only will this be better for your emotional and physical health, but you will take your power back. Heal yourself before you seek to heal or interact with others.
3. They give away time to people who don't deserve it
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When you give your time to others who don't deserve it, you unfortunately give your power away. While it's understandable to want to play nice, some people are emotionally draining and should be avoided. That means not doing favors or spending time with them. These types of people are known as Machiavellians, or people who take advantage of situations and manipulate others.
According to a study from Brain and Cognition, researchers found that Machiavellians are successful at exploiting others during social interactions. The study noted that these individuals poach their potential victims based on their own cooperation.
While it's nice that you're devoting your time to someone in an effort to help them, if they don't reciprocate that same help, they are taking advantage of you. Rather than being around people who rob you of your life force, surround yourself with individuals who lift you up.
4. They try to fix broken relationships
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Even at the lowest point in a relationship, kind people tend to go out of their way to save a relationship that is heading towards a breakup. They may empathize with their partner even though they are hurt. Some may say there is strength in that, but it could also just be another way of giving your personal power away.
According to professor of psychology and brain sciences Susan Krauss Whitbourne PhD, ABPP, people who try to repair relationships are the ones who often apologize, even if it's not their fault. Why? Because they have empathy. They put aside petty grievances and take the high road because it's not about who was right and wrong, but about the relationship continuing.
Remember you don't have to fix something that you never broke to begin with. Kind people do this all the time because they don't want to feel bad or make their partner feel bad. But it's important to not let others hold your emotions over your head, and do what's right for you.
5. They give too many second chances
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Giving others too many chances is one of the things people do that might feel kind, but actually give their personal power away. They may think that the other person would grant them the same treatment if they made a mistake. And while you have to be a strong individual to forgive someone, there's strength in recognizing your limits.
According to research from Johns Hopkins Medicine, the health benefits to forgiveness and letting go of grudges is astronomically high, lowering blood pressure, improving sleep, and reducing stress. What you choose to tolerate can make or break your mental and physical health, so be sure to always protect yourself.
Giving second or even third chances may seem like a good idea at the time, but you deplete your power the more you allow people to get away with their bad behavior. The people you forgive will often see you as weak for forgiving them for things they wouldn't forgive others for.
6. They ignore their intuition
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Your intuition is the most powerful part of your psyche that you can use to guide you, but ignoring your gut can put you in harmful situations. Intuition is an internal voice that can send warnings to your body that can help you make decisions, and when you disregard your intuition, you're giving away your personal power.
According to psychologist and expert in the science of happiness Emma Seppälä, PhD, the way to improve your intuition is by deviating from environments that you're comfortable in and observing new environments. She also advised breathing, immersing yourself in nature, and meditating to get in tune with your intuition.
When kind people disregard their intuition, they lose their power of discernment. They lack the ability to trust themselves in knowing truth from falsities, making them more vulnerable to those who want to take advantage of their kind nature.
7. They neglect their lives by being too selfless
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Kind people will often put others before themselves, fixating on another person's issues rather than their own. But when you're focused on someone else and your issues fall through the cracks, it makes things in your life more difficult to overcome. You might be giving your power away by being too kind to others and neglecting your own needs.
According to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, people who center others are the types of individuals who brag about how they put others' interests before their own. They do this selfishly to gain sympathy from others and appear noble.
The idea of being praised through one's good actions is purely superficial, because it's done with an ulterior motive. Never neglect what's happening in your own life or give all your energy to someone else. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, so take your power back by placing that energy into your own needs.
8. They silence their needs for the sake of others
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Your voice is the most powerful thing you have in this world, and to purposefully silence it does a disservice to yourself. Kind people often carry themselves as if they are small in order to avoid scrutiny and remain hidden from people who would otherwise bully or take advantage of them.
A study in BMC Public Health found that women who felt lonely and experienced being silenced within their relationships suffered abuse as children, including bullying and neglect, which led to isolation. To be silenced is to not be believed by others who haven't witnessed the truth, but have heard of it through others.
Silencing your voice in order to blend into the background hinders your power. It's time to take that power back by voicing your opinions and not making yourself small to make others feel adequate.
9. They compare themselves to others
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Everyone feels inadequate at times and can't help but compare themselves to others. It's an evolutionary thing humans go through, when we believe that others are better than us, either in skill or personality, and lose a sense of ourselves in the process.
But a study published in Neuroreport determined that the reason why we compare ourselves to others is because, when we first meet someone, we can't help but judge them and then judge ourselves. The more confident the individual, the more envy others experience against that particular person.
When you compare yourself to others, you start to lose pieces of yourself, willingly handing your power to someone you deem better than you. Trust your abilities in yourself and don't envy others. Remember that everyone's journey is different; some are slower than others, but everyone will eventually get to their destination, and not at your expense.
10. They avoid staying present
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People who are kind often remain quiet in the presence of others to avoid taking up space or, to them, ruining conversations. Rather than participate, they sit by and try their best to avoid talking, going out of their way to avoid confrontations that arise. But avoiding staying in the present moment is a surefire way to give your personal power away, all for the sake of being kind.
In fact, one study from Psychology Research and Behavior Management found that rumination on past or future experiences comes from emotional and cognitive factors. Researchers found that "brooding rumination (a negative past-oriented bias) and optimism (a positive future-oriented bias) predicted a distinct pattern of decreases and increases in past- and future-oriented mental imagery."
Avoiding important moments in your life is not using your power to the fullest. To regain your power, you must live in the present so you can focus on how to improve it, rather than worry about past events you cannot change or future events that have yet to occur.
11. They have repetitive patterns and ways of thinking
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People who are kind can sometimes be naive, making choices or exhibiting behaviors that are repetitive, including ways of thinking. They like to think the best of other people, even when those people have disappointed them. And it keeps them in a damaging cycle.
According to research from Simon Fraser University, the way an individual can alter their decision-making is reliant through the interconnectedness of certain choices they make. If the choice is connected to a previous one, the individual can learn from experience and decide if they want to take that risk or not.
What you may perceive as kind acts will slowly chip away at your power over time, especially if you continue making the same choices or doing the same things. Many people are set in their ways, but it's important to remember that the more you evolve and learn from previous patterns, the easier you can keep your personal power and not give it away.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.