13 Secrets Women Must Know About Men, According To A Female Pick-Up Artist
No, I didn't "neg" anyone or tell my students to neg.
Nemanja Novakovic / Shutterstock Yes, it's true. I was actually one of those women who taught men how to pick up women. It was a job that I had stumbled upon online while trying to learn what other guys were thinking when they approached me.
What ended up happening during the summer that I worked as a pick-up artist (PUA, from here on out) instructor was that I learned about men in ways that most people who were born female never will actually be able to do.
Here are 13 secrets about men I learned as a female pick-up artist that women need to know:
1. A lot of guys don't see women as people
Yes, it's true. A lot, and I do mean a lot, of men saw women more or less like inhuman gatekeepers to their happiness. I can't name how many times I had to explain to guys that women are just like men when it comes to their base needs.
We all want to be loved, desired, and with people who treasure us. We all want a partnership of sorts. And it's scary how many guys don't believe that.
2. Guys are really misguided about what girls want
A common complaint I heard among men I had to "reprogram" is that women want the "three sixes." The three sixes were a 6-foot height, a 6-figure salary, and a 6-pack. The real truth is that women want a guy who is sane, confident, smart, attractive, and offers some form of security. As long as you look decent, have some kind of job, and don't act like an axe murderer, you have a chance.
3. The vast majority of people out there are misguided about pickup
Pickup is a lot like the "force" in Star Wars. It can be a horrible, misogynistic community that hurts everyone involved. Or it can be a supportive community that helps guys improve their skills in socializing with everyone. I belonged to the latter — and no, we didn't "neg" anyone there.
4. Most guys who try to do pickup artistry aren't looking for "just sex"
They really aren't! They want love, too. It's just that they often turn to pick-up because they don't believe they can be attractive on their own or because they just don't know how to talk to girls.
5. Tech and movies really warped how guys think girls want to be treated
Thanks to Dating Sims, romantic comedies, and sitcoms, most guys assume that women want a guy who doesn't take no for an answer. I've also met quite a few guys who seemed to think that buying dinner will get them sex or entitles them to sex.
In reality, it doesn't work that way at all. Unfortunately, getting guys to listen to me meant that I'd basically have to deprogram decades of what mainstream media was telling them.
6. Men are just as insecure as women, if not more so
If you think that women are insecure, wait until you hear about men who are insecure. A guy will call you up in a panic because he can't figure out whether or not his cologne is too strong. And, wait until you hear all the stupid things men have done to hide bald spots or hear them sobbing to you over the phone because a date got botched.
7. Men really don't get the emotional support that women do
When a guy is insecure, you never will hear someone give them a pep talk or take them shopping. When it comes to emotional support, women really do get a lot more backup than men do. After realizing how little support guys get, I tried to make a point of complimenting my guy friends more often and being there for them more often.
8. Yes, guys do rate women's bodies
And yes, it's just as grimy as it sounds. Sorry.
9. The dating scene burns out guys, too
I can't name how many men had come to me asking for help on the verge of giving up. It was eye-opening. At least one guy I met had sunk into a deep depression because of it.
10. Not all pickup game is negative
This is a huge misconception. There's good pickup and bad pickup. Bad pickup is abusive to women and eats men alive. I actively refused to teach people to "neg" or encourage manipulative, bad behavior.
Some of it, like the stuff I taught, was about engaging the girl in conversation and actively listening to what she had to say. Other parts of it were teaching guys how to appear less creepy and more approachable. We all do pickup — it's just that some of us have it there naturally.
11. Guys also get stuck on girls, too
It's not a constant player "onto the next" game with guys. They do get stuck on an ex, and they often get stuck harder than girls do. The reason you don't hear about it is that guys are often terrified to admit their feelings about certain women, especially to other women.
12. Sex is a numbers game
This is what my teachings often boiled down to with guys. If they keep trying to talk to women, eventually, someone will say yes. And that same theory holds true for girls.
13. In most cases, the only pickup you really need is self-improvement
Most of the guys I taught were just awkward dudes who needed to learn how to be a better version of themselves. They needed clothing advice. They needed a pep talk before they talked to girls. They needed a better idea of how to handle rejection.
With a little work, they turned into very desirable men. Who's to say we can't all do the same?
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a former member of the pick-up artist community and a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.