Chronically Insecure Men Always Do These 10 Things
You deserve secure love from a secure man.
Veit Störmer | Canva Having been in many relationships that were destroyed by behavior caused by insecurity, I can honestly say that insecurity is now a dealbreaker for me. When you’re insecure, your inner voice tells you that you’re not enough, that the person you’re with is going to leave — and that can make you react in crazy ways, even if you know you should feel more confident.
I’ve seen people insecure about relationships turn abusive, cheat, or even just get super-controlling as a way to try to make themselves feel better about their “chances” with people.
You can’t do much to make people less insecure either since that’s a “self” problem rather than an external one in most cases. That’s why insecurity became a dealbreaker for me, and why I advise people to think twice when dating a chronically insecure man. That being said, there are usually warning signs he's insecure about being in a relationship with you.
Chronically insecure men always do these things:
1. He criticizes you — a lot
I want to point out a truism that many teachers say to bullied kids at school: people who criticize and tear others down do so because they typically feel inferior to you. This is extremely true in dating and is the reason why so many men are cruel to women.
That being said, constant criticism is often the first sign of an abusive partner. If you see this happening, run for the hills. Constant criticism often reflects insecurity in a person.
They may project their negative self-perceptions onto others, using criticism to feel better about themselves by putting others down, or may be overly sensitive to perceived flaws due to their internal insecurities, leading them to focus on negativity in others. A 2013 study found that some people may use criticism to control others by making them feel dependent on their approval, which can stem from their insecurities about their power in a situation.
2. He's a total doormat around you
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Another sign of insecurity is when guys tend to “doormat” themselves and turn into people without opinions. This isn’t only boring in a partner, it’s also a surefire way for resentment to build. They won’t tell you what they really want or even really feel until they explode in rage.
3. He insists on trying to play “alpha male”
Believe it or not, dominant men are not confident men. They are men who, for one reason or another, think that the only thing they have to offer is masculinity and cockiness.
From what I’ve seen, the more domineering a man is, the less likely it is that he will be a healthy and good partner. There’s a reason why, too. To guys like this, you are little else but something that affirms that, yes, he’s a man. That’s it.
It’s not about you, it’s about him trying to fill a hollow hole in his heart that can never be satiated because the confidence he wants can never be obtained externally.
4. He constantly points out his good qualities
Yes, you know he has a BMW. He’s also told you about his volunteer work, his biceps, and whatever else he thinks will impress you.
Guys who make a point of regularly talking about how they are a good catch often feel insecure about their position with the person they’re dating. While this may be innocuous, you have to remember that confident people don’t brag.
This can be a way of overcompensating for one's self-doubt, essentially trying to feel better about oneself by excessively praising others, often to the point where it feels disingenuous or manipulative. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology concluded this behavior can stem from a need for validation and a fear of not being seen as valuable.
5. He tries to act like a “player”
You know the type. The guy who’s always boasting about the women he lays who doesn’t get any action. This is a thing, and men don’t do this unless they have serious issues with their confidence.
6. He acts a little wonky
From what I’ve seen, most guys who have insecurities do have them leak out in one way or another. They may say something about how “nice guys finish last” or start talking loudly to the point that people turn to stare.
Either way, if he’s making a total jerk of himself, it's one of the signs he's insecure about being in a relationship with you. This implies that someone feels they need to be aggressive or less-than-kind to achieve success, suggesting a lack of confidence in their ability to be valued for their genuine positive qualities.
A 2006 study found it often stems from a fear of being taken advantage of or overlooked if they are too lovely. Not all 'nice' behavior is genuine kindness; sometimes, it can be passive-aggressive or used to gain favor, leading to a negative perception of 'nice guys.'
7. He regularly puts down other women
This is a more generalized thing I’ve noticed. Many insecure men will treat their girls great (at first) but disparage women as a whole.
Small, really insecure men tend to turn their fear into hate because it’s easier to get angry and hate someone else than it is to confront what’s making you a bad person to date.
8. He says he’s “not good enough” for you
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Hey, at least he’s being honest. In these cases, it’s clear that he’s at least trying to tackle what’s going on. So, perhaps after he gets better, he’ll be ready to date.
Research from the Harvard Business Review found this often manifests as insecurity by displaying behaviors like constantly seeking validation, becoming defensive when criticized, overcompensating with bravado, excessive jealousy, and a strong need for reassurance, all stemming from a deep-seated belief that he is not worthy of love or respect in a relationship.
9. He gets jealous of any other men around you
A common thing people who are insecure in their relationships will do is cling to that person like they’re the last lifeboat ever. They also will get very aggressive towards anyone who could even remotely be deemed a “threat.”
This is a common sign that their insecurities will turn into an abusive, codependent relationship. So, you know you need to dump them just by that alone. This often indicates underlying insecurity, as he might fear that these other men could threaten his position in your life.
This might make him feel inadequate or worried about losing your attention or affection, thus displaying a need for validation and control due to his self-doubt. A study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking recommended communicating your expectations about social interactions and reassuring him of your commitment while maintaining healthy boundaries.
10. He fishes for compliments
“I’m great, right? Tell me I’m great. I’m confident, but I need you to tell me I’m amazing.” Yeah, no. We know what that’s about.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.