7 Behaviors Of People Who Are Destined To Grow Up Insecure And Overly Reliant
The roots of insecurity often start early.
Getty Images | Unsplash Most people think of emotional insecurity as a personality trait — something you’re born with that dooms you to a life of chronic anxiety, low self-esteem, and overreliance on others.
While it can certainly feel that way to people who have been insecure most of their lives, the real reason we think chronically insecure is often more subtle: Whatever caused your insecurity initially, these hard-to-break behaviors keep you deeply insecure as you age.
Here are behaviors of people who are destined to grow up insecure and overly reliant:
1. They criticize anything that brings you joy
Yan Krukau / Pexels
I remember two coworkers of mine criticizing me for marrying my spouse because he’s younger than me. I was so happy and excited about my wedding. I wanted them to be happy for me.
They just shot it down with a smile. It literally would have cost them nothing to just say, "Congratulations!"
They just didn’t want me to have that. They couldn’t let me have that because it meant I would smile. This was an ongoing theme at my workplace.
If I completed all my work ahead of time, they’d tell me I had an easy job. If I smiled and called myself a boss, they’d be quick to humiliate me in front of others. They made sure I "knew my place."
2. When they notice you enjoy something, they remove access to it
Liza Summer / Pexels
This is a thing I’ve noticed both in my former office job as well as in documentaries about cults. A lot of cults and toxic workplaces play with people because it helps them maintain control.
One thing that stood out to me was in the documentary Keep Sweet when cult leader Warren Jeffs banned toys for children. A lot of the moves he made were just done because he knew the things he removed kept people happy. There was no other explanation for it.
Cults often encourage or force members to sever ties with family, friends, and former social circles. This isolation creates a vacuum that the cult can fill, making the individual increasingly reliant on the group for validation, information, and social interaction. Research by Eastern Kentucky University found that by redefining members' identities, cults can create a sense of belonging and purpose within the group, making it harder for them to leave.
3. They purposefully trigger your trauma and insecurities
RDNE Stock project / Pexels
At work, I told them to stop doing certain things (such as excluding me from jokes and casual conversations) because it triggered me. I have PTSD from abuse and neglect, and it always started with exclusion. I get scared.
So, what did they do? They kept dialing it up. They kept doing it, and it got to the point where they made a point of looking at me and laughing about stuff. The more I hurt, the more they pushed those buttons.
4. They try to sabotage you
Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
So, this wasn’t a thing that happened at work. But I’ll give you an example of what happened to me and my ex. An ex of mine kept sabotaging my friendships by talking bad about me behind my back.
He painted me as an abuser, a drug addict, the works…This was just one of many ways he’d just mess with me to try to break me. When I caught wind of what he was doing, I quickly cut him out.
Unfortunately, a lot of those friendships were permanently severed. I have no interest in being friends with people who would believe an abusive ex over the friend they had for years prior.
When a group does this, you start seeing that on a larger scale. It’s not just one person. It’s multiple people who are undercutting you, often with one ringleader who the others follow.
The thing here is that the sabotage doesn’t have to be about isolation. It’s more about undermining your confidence in your skills or social network.
People sabotage others or themselves due to a complex interplay of factors, including insecurity, fear of vulnerability, low self-esteem, past trauma, and a desire for control or revenge. A 2021 study found that in a workplace setting, envy and feelings of competition can lead to sabotage, as individuals may try to undermine the success of others.
5. They make it seem like nothing is ever good enough
Pixabay / Pexels
I kept wondering how much harder I had to work to be "good enough" to be treated nicely by them again. What did I do? Why are they so horrible to me? Why, why, why?
In reality, nothing I could have done could have warranted that level of cruelty. Nothing. No decent human being would ever treat someone who just wanted to be a friend that way.
6. They never feel remorse
Dragana Gordic / Shutterstock
These are the type of people who will justify their treatment and lie to themselves — anything to make their bad behavior palatable to them.
According to a 2018 study, people who sabotage others may or may not feel remorse, depending on factors like their underlying motivations, personality traits, and the nature of the sabotage. In some cases, a person may engage in emotional manipulation to make the victim question their reality, which can be a form of sabotage where remorse is unlikely.
7. They get panicky when they realize you’re ready to walk away
Studio Romantic / Shutterstock
Your breakers do not want you to go away unless they’re a narcissist in the "discard" phase. No, they want you there. Next to them. For them to kick further down.
The group that wants you out will not chase you if you say you’re done with them. Breakers, on the other hand, will try to get you to stay.
Much like with most other abusive relationships, people playing "Break the Cutie" do not want you to leave. They will start to panic and suddenly get nice because they realize that they still either want or need you around.
At my office job, this meant they’d give me raises whenever they caught me applying to other jobs. Or they’d call me ungrateful and try to get me a new perk to make me feel more appreciated. Because, you know, just treating me kindly was too much to ask.
That’s why the most devastating thing you can do to a group is leave. That’s the only way to take back your power and make them panic.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.