12 Subtle Clues You're Dealing With An Emotional Masochist, According To Psychology
Someone in your life is draining your energy if these clues resonate.
Engin Akyurt | Unsplash Some folks out there always seem to end up in relationships or friendships that make them miserable but won’t leave them no matter how bad they get. Though some people are legitimately trying to push through in hopes that things will change, others are in these kinds of relationships because they, on some level, crave abuse. These folks are called emotional masochists.
An emotional masochist is someone who actively seeks out toxic relationships because they derive pleasure from experiencing emotional pain or suffering. The relationships they hunt for create negative emotions like sadness, rejection, or humiliation.
An emotional masochist may find a sense of validation, control, or fulfillment through enduring emotional hardships, as it may reinforce their self-worth or provide a way to cope with struggles.
It's important to note that emotional masochism is a complex psychological phenomenon, and individual motivations and experiences vary. Emotional masochists are more common than you’d want to believe. You might be one, too, especially if any of these subtle clues ring true.
Here are the subtle clues you're dealing with an emotional masochist, according to psychology:
1. You have stayed in relationships you knew were bad for you
You stayed even when you realized it was never going to get better. Most of the time, abused people will go back to an abuser because they are holding out hope that things will change. If you know it’s not going to change and you still are with an abusive partner, there’s a good chance that the reason why you’re with them is that you crave abuse.
2. You get bored or lose attraction when a man isn’t being mean, cold, distant, or volatile with you
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This is one of the more common reasons why emotional masochists end up in so many abusive relationships. They get bored when men aren’t terrorizing them on an emotional level.
3. You seek out the approval of people
Look, I get this because I’ve done it in the past. But eventually, I realized that getting their approval would never happen. I began to focus on people who do like me — and the people who don’t, I pity.
If you’re stuck in that loop, it can be frustrating, but you need to realize you're only hurting yourself. Unless you're a glutton for rejection, you might want to change course.
Seeking approval from mean people can stem from low self-esteem, a fear of rejection, and past experiences that have conditioned individuals to prioritize external validation over their needs and feelings. A 2023 study found that some individuals may seek approval to avoid conflict or perceived negative consequences, even if it means compromising their values or needs.
4. You stir up drama
Believe it or not, drama hurts everyone, including the person who stirred it up. If you're one of those people who loves to see tears, arguments, and shouting, you might be an emotional masochist. This is doubly true if most of the shouting happens in your direction.
5. You are regularly taken advantage of or told you’re 'too nice'
From what I’ve seen, a lot of people who are doormats and pleasers tend to be emotional masochists. Users are excellent for heartbreak.
6. You’ve gone out with people who you know treated others poorly
A leopard will not change its spots. If you know a guy was a wife-beater or a cheater because you’ve seen him do it to others, you should know that it won’t be any different when he’s with you. If you still went out with him while knowing this, you're an emotional masochist.
According to a 2015 study, people may choose to date someone who treats others poorly due to factors like low self-esteem, codependency, a need for validation, or comfort in familiar conflict, potentially stemming from past experiences or internalized beliefs about their worth. There's a concept called the "change fantasy," where one partner hopes the other will eventually live up to their potential, even if they behave poorly.
7. You don’t ever stand up for yourself
This is either a sign that you’re an emotional masochist or have cripplingly low self-esteem, or both. Either way, it’s not healthy for you to hang out with these people.
8. You have been emotionally abused in the majority of relationships and friendships
If this is the case, you have to wonder what’s going on here. Are you okay with this, or are you just really unlucky?
Do you crave abuse, or are you afraid to stand up for yourself? Only you can answer those questions.
9. You find reasons to beat yourself up even when you're happy and content
Believe it or not, there are people out there who will work tirelessly to find new problems when there aren’t any at all. This is because they can’t stand the silence of contentment for too long. For them, they need drama and sadness to survive. Sound familiar?
Research suggests that not standing up for oneself when regularly made fun of by friends can stem from low self-esteem, fear of rejection or anger, and past experiences where speaking up resulted in negative consequences. The dynamics within the friendship group can also play a role. If the group has a culture of teasing or bullying, it can create a challenging environment for someone to stand up for themselves.
10. You pick fights
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This is a little bit different from causing drama because it’s not causing drama as much as it is alienating yourself from people who probably like you. If you feel the need to pick fights, argue, and shed tears, you may secretly want people to have problems with you.
11. You push people away
Especially when they get too close or when they make you too happy. People who enjoy being in some kind of pain don’t like having positive people around them. They like hurting. As a result, positive people tend to get pushed away by them, either consciously or subconsciously.
12. You know your behavior only hurts you, but you can't stop
This is the crux of the matter. People know when they’re messing up their lives and they also know when it’s taking a serious toll on them.
If you’re aware of it and doing nothing to change it, knowing how bad it is, you’re probably an emotional masochist on some level.
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors despite knowing their harmful nature can stem from various factors, including trauma, mental health conditions, or a perceived lack of alternative coping mechanisms. 2022 research explained that specific thought patterns, such as catastrophizing or minimizing the severity of problems, can perpetuate harmful behaviors by making it seem the only way to cope.
For victims and survivors of emotional abuse who need support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has trained volunteers available to help 24/7/365. Call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 for TTY, or, if you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 22522.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.