11 Behaviors That Mean A Person Is Breadcrumbing You
They feel too guilty to ghost you, so they breadcrumb you instead.
Oneinchpunch | Shutterstock Breadcrumbing is a modern dating trend that’s just plain brutal. Rather than just disappearing and refusing to talk to you (known as ghosting), breadcrumbing is what people do when they just want to keep you hanging on by a thread. As Urban Dictionary puts it, breadcrumbing is "When the 'crush' has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention. So they flirt here or there, send DM/texts just to keep the person interested."
Like you might leave breadcrumbs for a hungry animal to follow, the breadcrumbs give you just enough attention to keep you interested but not enough to be in a relationship with or date you. They are also keeping their options open. According to love and dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, "The point of breadcrumbing is to string you along. They want to keep you in their roster of women who boost their ego by texting or connecting through social media. This makes them feel wanted, desired, and popular."
Of course, another possibility is that they may just be confused. "They might not know what they want, so they use breadcrumbing to keep you on the hook for when they figure that out," Ryan explains. Either way, it's not a good spot to be on the receiving end of breadcrumbing.
Here are the behaviors that mean a person is breadcrumbing you:
1. You plan dates, but they keep pushing them off
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This is the most common sign that they're not actually serious about meeting up. If you two met on a dating app, this could also be a sign that they're catfishing you or are actually taken.
2. You went on a date and things just never vibe again
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This is often baffling because the date typically goes well (that is if it ever happens). Getting another date planned, however, suddenly becomes harder than climbing Mount Everest. You want to say it’s because of bad luck, but you might not be sure.
The most common reason for not getting a second date is the absence of strong romantic chemistry, which can be intangible and not solely based on physical attraction.
Research published in a 2023 study found that men demonstrating good manners and etiquette and women showing greater involvement through eye contact and laughter were more likely to secure second dates.
3. When you call them out, they pay more attention to you
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This gaslighting tactic is often done to prove that they're not “one of those jerks that ghosts.” Truthfully, people who do this are just wastes of time.
4. Your interaction is limited to texting
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If you’re breadcrumbed, you’re being put as their last priority. As a result, the most common time they'll hit you up is when they're bored ... and that might not happen too often. If you are only texting, it's a red flag.
This could indicate a lack of intense interest, a preference for casual dating, or a desire to maintain a sense of mystery.
However, 2017 research concluded that it's essential to consider individual communication styles and context before concluding. Frequent communication, including texting, is generally seen as a positive sign in the early stages of dating, so infrequent contact could raise concerns about commitment or level of interest.
5. They phase in and out of your life
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Some guys are intermittent breadcrumbers. So, they may just breadcrumb by dropping in once or twice via Facebook or Snapchat then disappear from your notifications for a long period. Once they give you a “Like,” they’re out of your life again.
"By texting or commenting on social media occasionally, they keep up the connection without asking you out or spending time getting to know you," says Ryan.
A potential partner frequently coming in and out of your life, often referred to as an "on-again, off-again" relationship, indicates that this pattern can be highly detrimental to mental health.
A 2022 study found this is usually linked to feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and increased psychological distress, mainly when the cycles of separation and reunion occur frequently. Unresolved issues or conflicts within the relationship might be pushed aside during periods of connection, only to resurface later, causing another break.
6. Any interaction feels like puling teeth
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Breadcrumbers really, truly aren’t interested in you. At all. That’s why any conversation you have will have that weird, awkward feeling of being forced. Don’t tolerate this.
7. A suspicious amount of their texts come in at weird hours
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This may be a sign that they just see you as a booty call. Or, it could be a sign that they're bored and breadcrumbing you.
Research on communication patterns and late-night texting suggests that a potential partner's only contact with you late at night could indicate a few possible reasons. These include potential disinterest during the day due to busy schedules, a preference for deeper conversations at night when inhibitions are lower, or a possible intention to primarily pursue a physical connection.
However, 2014 research concluded that it's essential to consider individual context and communication style before concluding.
8. They are cagey
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They can’t actually come up with a date or time to meet or even give you a real number. Here’s the truth that many online matching sites don’t tell you: a good portion of people don’t ever actually meet up with people they chat with. For them, it’s just entertainment and a way to pass time.
9. If they reappear, they pretend like nothing happened
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This is actually common with ghosting, but with breadcrumbing, they may act like they “just finally” got their schedule together. Don’t take them up on the date. The phenomenon of a potential partner reappearing after a period of separation is linked to factors like unresolved feelings, attachment anxiety, self-concept confusion following a breakup, and a desire for familiarity.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that such relationships have lower overall satisfaction than those that never broke up. In certain situations, a reunion with a former partner could be beneficial if both individuals have addressed past issues, grown personally, and clearly understood what they want from the relationship.
10. They come around as soon as you lose interest
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Make no mistake about it, this is done on purpose. They want to keep you interested because it tends to boost their ego and give them the option of being with you if nothing else pans out. That’s the most common reason why someone would breadcrumb you, and that’s really awful if you think of it.
11. They pout and play the victim
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If they have the nerve to pout, make sure to explain to them that you’re not going to wait for their loser behind to make up their mind. They deserve the sadness they gave themselves, and you’re not to blame for their stupid decisions.
What to say to someone who is breadcrumbing you: First, understand how you feel about this person. Do you want to keep communicating or not? If so, you need to decide to be a player — not a victim — in this dating game.
Choosing to respond to the breadcrumber's messages gives you control, but if you feel obligated to respond, they have more control. Of course, if you don't want to continue talking, then walk away and move on.
"Waiting and hoping they’ll change won’t work. That’s not your fault. Nothing’s wrong with you. To be fair, maybe nothing’s wrong with them either. Accept that your desires and priorities don't match. You’re on a dating site to meet people to date. You're not there to be someone’s ego booster or backup option," relationship expert Dona Murphy advises.
Stop messaging them back, quit interacting with them on social media, cut communication off completely — and when they come crawling for your attention, tell them why you've done it. I think they'll get the point by then, though.
If you want to get to the bottom of whatever this could be, be blunt and direct. Say something along the lines of "I'm free Saturday let's grab a coffee". If they're not up to it, you have your answer.
Have an open and honest conversation about what you are, and leave it at that. Let them know that you are worth more than just crumbs, and if they agree, that's wonderful.
If not, and they are just interested in their breadcrumbs and don't want a relationship, they aren't worth your time (unless you're also into that). In other words, try to get on the same page.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.