People Who Can’t Stand Being Told What To Do As They Get Older Usually Have These 11 Reasons
It's not always sheer stubbornness.
NK D.LIGHT | Shutterstock As they get older and deal with all of the societal and personal experiences associated with aging, it’s not entirely surprising that people develop a resistance to being told what to do — they have the knowledge, wisdom, and confidence from life to make their own choices and decisions, so feeling pressured by other people can spark resentment and defensiveness. Of course, people who cannot stand being told what to do as they age usually have their own unique set of reasons, rooted in psychological, emotional, and social experiences, which manifest in various ways.
According to a study published in The Gerontologist, people become more intrinsically motivated and less influenced by external validation and advice as they age, which is part of the reason why the stubbornness of aging individuals is misguidedly judged. They have a strong set of internal values, beliefs, and motivators, which is why being told what to do is not only unhelpful but also often offensive.
People who can’t stand being told what to do as they get older usually have these 11 reasons:
1. They’ve had controlling relationships
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Many people who’ve experienced toxic relationships with controlling partners find it difficult to trust people later in life. Coupled with a number of other side effects of self-esteem and emotional regulation, according to marriage and family therapist Jennifer Litner, grappling with the long-term consequences of a controlling partner can make it challenging to form meaningful connections in the future.
Many people who can’t stand being told what to do as they get older may have dealt with a controlling partner or family member in the past so that the behavior can be unsuspectingly triggering. Being instructed can spark irritability, frustration, and anxiety, and it often feels like a personal attack, even when there is no malice or manipulation intended.
2. They’re protective over their independence
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Many people who have struggled through adversity alone or dealt with a multitude of life experiences feel protective of their independence, especially as they get older and grapple with the need for support, whether it’s mental, psychological, or physical.
Having autonomy and independence to make their own choices has always been foundational to their identity, but growing older sometimes puts those once firm truths in jeopardy, which is why being told what to do can feel offensive and overwhelming.
3. They’re confident in their experience
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Aging demographics are often misguidedly labeled as “stubborn” for wanting to make autonomous decisions or do things independently, when it’s simply a matter of confidence.
They have the life experience of handling adversity, making decisions, and crafting their own unique identity, so they feel confident in their ability to handle things without being told what to do. It’s an experience that can be disillusioning for anyone, regardless of their age — being told what to do or “controlled” by another person, which is why it’s inherently offensive and aggravating for some people to cope with in casual conversations.
4. They struggle with authority figures
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According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, there’s a wide variety of reasons why a person may fear authority figures, but it almost always traces back to childhood trauma. When adults, or people in control who weaponize their power, become the source of fear and anxiety for a child, they grow to resent and fear anyone with authority.
People who can’t stand being told what to do as they get older may fear authority figures in general, grappling with unresolved fear, anxiety, and shame around authority figures and misguided power dynamics. Until they truly address those anxieties, these seemingly casual and unsuspecting conversations can be triggering, sparking more anxiety and fear than they might in the average person.
5. They need to feel respected
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According to a survey conducted by the World Health Organization, more than 60% of respondents report that older people tend to be less respected as they age. It’s a societal dilemma, but its consequences are felt on an individual level, which is part of the reason why certain people can’t stand being told what to do as they get older.
Whether it’s unsolicited advice or a casual conversation at work, telling someone what to do or being perceived as controlling can feel like a personal attack on mutual respect and understanding, sparking an innate desire toward defensiveness and fear.
6. They’re stubborn
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While there are certainly some misconceptions about stubbornness as one ages, there are valid reasons why people who cannot stand being told what to do may become more stubborn and yearn for familiarity and independence.
From navigating chronic pain, to suffering with significant life changes, and even grappling with physical limitations from aging, being stubborn is sometimes a coping mechanism for protecting your energy and peace. Being told what to do isn’t always a negative experience; for some, it can be grounding and stress-relieving. However, for people who want to have power over their daily routines and comfort, it can feel disorienting and offensive.
7. They know what they want and need
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With life experience and aging also comes clarity — not just on who you are as a person, but also what you want and need from interactions, relationships, and routines. When someone tries to tell you what to do, especially someone who hardly knows you at all, it can be annoying when you have the self-awareness to look out for yourself.
Older people generally have strong values because they know what they want and need — they’ve been through adversity, experimented, and acquired a great deal of life experience that influences their decisions. The last thing they want to hear or deal with is someone offering unsolicited advice or telling them what to do, especially if they’re not even in a relationship or interested in getting to know them.
8. They struggle with changing social dynamics
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Of course, maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships into adulthood is incredibly important as you age, according to a study from Comprehensive Clinical Psychology; however, changing social dynamics and even generational tension can make it a struggle.
As people age, they may struggle to maintain their position as an authority figure in society or within a household, battling resentment due to role reversals or frustration over lacking status or dignity, often resulting from society’s misguided stigmas surrounding aging.
They’re less interested in making new connections or engaging with different generations that they perceive to be offensive or powerful in upholding misguided assumptions and stigmas around aging, which can be isolating and anxiety-inducing. These changing social dynamics also fuel people who cannot stand being told what to do — they would prefer to cling to their comfort and familiarity rather than open themselves up to alternative authority figures or values.
9. They’re protective of their time
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Especially as you get older, it can be challenging to let go of anxiety over time — you’re always thinking about it. How can you make the most of your life? What decisions and choices can you independently make to achieve goals in the time you have left? It’s questions like these that help people to prioritize their values and goals, even amid the chaos of life.
However, when someone is trying to tell you what to do or take a misguided ownership over your autonomy, it can be especially offensive when you’re already anxious about time.
People who can’t stand being told what to do usually have this reason — they’re conscious of the time they have left in this life. They want to have the autonomy and power to make decisions, even if they’re small and fleeting, that are personal and fulfilling to them.
10. They’re self-aware
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According to experts from Harvard University, self-awareness and confidence are inherently intertwined. When we know ourselves on a deeper level, we feel more confident making decisions and prioritizing things that help us to live our best, most fulfilling lives.
As people age, they often develop self-confidence and self-awareness through independent decision-making and personal experiences. They have a clear sense of their identity and what they want and need, so having someone try to tell them what to do can feel disorienting and annoying.
11. They’re emotionally vulnerable
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Individuals who are struggling with emotional turmoil or instability often feel a need to exert control in their daily lives. Considering they struggle with internal control, the things they can control, such as making simple decisions or prioritizing certain habits, can feel stabilizing amid the chaos.
However, when someone tries to tell them what to do, it can only further exacerbate their discomfort and anxiety, urging them to resort to defense mechanisms like avoidance or over-explaining themselves.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
