9 Reasons Men Go Back To Their Exes That Have Nothing To Do With Love
There's only one person who can break this cycle.
Juan Vargas | Pexels He says he doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let her go. Or maybe he breaks it off and then begs her back, only to breadcrumb her and act like a yo-yo, maybe even claiming it's because he loves her. But that is not the real reason men go back to their exes.
Breakup pain can be horrible. Yet, the pain felt when someone breaks up and still hangs around might be even worse. After all, the ex isn’t allowed to get over the breakup and move on, which makes it difficult to deal with the pain and let it go. While he (or both of them!) may believe it's a test of love, it's most likely something else entirely.
Nine reasons men go back to exes that have nothing to do with love
1. He needs his ego stroked
If there is one thing a man gets out of a relationship, it's having his ego stroked. After all, he has found someone who loves him, takes care of him, and is intimate with him. A person he can parade around his friends and take home to his mother. Who wouldn’t love all those things?
The thing is, when a guy breaks up, he no longer has someone there to stroke his ego. He's happy not doing the things he has to do in a relationship, yet he feels the absence of not being loved and appreciated.
So, he reaches out. When you stroke his ego, he comes back and will do it over and over again. That way, he can feel good. When you stroke his ego, even though he has broken up with you, it makes him feel even more powerful.
2. He misses being taken care of
Photo: Dima Berlin via Shutterstock
I have a client whose ex-boyfriend treats her terribly. He came home from work one night and told her he wanted out and left the next day. He gave her a few days then reached out again and asked if he could come over and visit the dog.
She was ecstatic. She cleaned the house and got all dressed up for him, thinking he wanted her back. What happened? He showed up with a pile of laundry and asked her to do it while he played with the dog. She willingly did it because she loved taking care of him and thought if she did, he would love her again.
3. He's craving physical attention
When the same ex-boyfriend came over to play with Serena's dog and have his laundry done, he also wanted to be intimate with her, even though he had broken up with her a few days earlier. Poor Serena thought maybe this would give them a chance to get back together, not realizing how unlikely it was.
This is the #1 reason men keep coming back to their ex-girlfriends even though they don’t want a relationship — because of the physical intimacy.
So, a man will come back, at least for a night. Why doesn’t he seek intimacy elsewhere? Because with his ex, he doesn’t have to work for it. He can just show up and she will be happy to accommodate.
Why? She hopes he is there because he wants to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he doesn’t.
4. You keep reaching out to him
He breaks up with you and you keep reaching out hoping he will change his mind. Perhaps because you miss him and just want to hear his voice or are looking for closure (which, BTW, is a myth).
This is common after a break up. You are determined to move on but just can’t help reaching out to your ex, either texting, DM'ing, or looking at their social media posts. The most common thing that often brings people back together is a birthday or an anniversary when people feel compelled to reach out and it starts the whole messy cycle all over again.
If you reach out, what is he going to do? Come over, have you do his laundry, and be intimate with him. Things won’t work out differently and you will be devastated again.
5. He is lonely
We all get lonely. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t go through the agony of dating sites, first dates, and all the other things that come with finding love. For most people, loneliness is one of the scariest feelings.
If a guy gets lonely, he could fill the time with work, play, friends, or family. But, what scratches his loneliness itch is going back to the person who makes him feel good about himself. And, because she is most likely lonely as well, she lets him come back.
Unfortunately, loneliness isn’t something you can assuage in one moment. We get a loneliness fix and feel good for a while, then we go away and are alone, as suggested by a study in Psychology Journal. The feeling comes back, sometimes even worse. And so we reach out and the whole cycle happens over and over.
6. He doesn't want to have to make a real decision
No one truly wants to break up. After all, we have been through the dating scene and found someone who fits us and hope they are the one, we and will never have to go on another date. If feelings get lost and a break up happens, it’s a sad thing.
Even though you know breaking up with a person is the best thing you can do, you hope it will change. If you just try, you will get their feelings back. So you return to your ex, over and over.
However, if a person has lost feelings for you, they won’t get them back unless something significant has changed. If someone has done their self-work or the situation that caused the break up has changed.
Rarely does a man realize he made a mistake and come back. If that does happen, more often than not, the relationship will ultimately fail again.
So, if he yo-yos and makes promises he doesn’t keep, let him go. Don’t let him back in and make the breakup even worse.
7. He doesn’t want to hurt his ex
DimaBerlin via Shutterstock
Of course, no one, especially men, wants to hurt someone, and a breakup can be the worst pain of all, so they do whatever they can to not cause the pain. Unfortunately, not causing pain often means dragging things out with the hope maybe you will break up with him so he won’t feel responsible for causing pain.
So, they make you miserable. They gaslight and make you think there is something wrong with you., as shown by an American Psychological Association study. They give you crumbs of love hoping you will get sick of it and move on.
This only hurts you more. It’s like pulling off a bandage slowly. While you don’t get a sudden burst of pain from ripping one-off, the prolonged effort of removing it is even more painful. Ripping the bandage off, unfortunately, is really, really hard for them to do so!
8. He is a user
Sometimes it's physical intimacy and love, but sometimes it's more tangible and is something they need to survive, like housing or money.
Many women in relationships where they feel like their guy is slipping away, work hard to make him feel comfortable. They lend him money or pay for things. Sometimes they let him stay without paying rent. They might even support his habits and hobbies, good or bad.
When a guy breaks up with someone, those things are gone and he might be left struggling. He has gotten used to being taken care of financially and the lack of money or housing makes his life more difficult. So he returns and gives his ex just enough love to get her to give him some money or let him stay in the house, as suggested by an APA paper.
This one should be pretty obvious. He isn't back because he loves you, it’s because he needs you to be his sugar mama.
9. He is 'allowed' to
How easy are you making it for him to come and go?
- When he reaches out, do you jump to doing whatever he wants and hope things will be different?
- Do you act like you are cool with your more casual relationship?
- Do you pretend you are satisfied with his breadcrumbs and hope he will see how easy you are to be around and take you back?
This is the core reason a guy won’t let someone go — because his person makes it easy for him.
It's on you to make it end. You are the only person who can stop this cycle and move on with your life. Only you!
I know what you are dealing with is painful. An article in Evolutionary Psychology showed how the ups and downs of feeling good when he is around and then devastated when he leaves again to make it so you aren’t recovering or moving on and it's killing you.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You have it in you to let him go and move on with your life to find someone who can love you truly. They are out there. I promise!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
