9 Things People Do To Heal A Broken Heart, That Actually Keep Them Stuck
Closure is a myth, there are better ways to survive a breakup.
Nicola Katie | Canva People believe that wallowing in their sadness will help them get rid of feelings of sadness and process their heartbreak. Sadly, this doesn't work. The other thing people think they need is closure, but that also doesn't work!
Closure is another excuse to talk to your ex in the hope things might turn out differently. Closure won’t give you any peace, it will make things harder. If you can skip closure, there are other ways to survive a breakup, without wallowing.
9 ways people try to heal a broken heart that keep them stuck — and what to do instead.
1. They blame all the problems on their ex
When we have broken up, it's easy to believe everything that happened in the relationship is the other person's fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they stopped caring. But, the reality is there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear responsibility for what happened.
If you are honest with yourself you see how you contributed to the end of the relationship.
- Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt.
- Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping they could guess what you needed.
- Perhaps you bent over backward to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.
Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, you must understand it to accept the breakup easier and help you with a new relationship going forward.
2. They focus on the good times
When we break up with someone it is easy to forget the bad stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We remember the good times, all of the things we did together to make us happy.
Unfortunately, by the time a breakup happens, the relationship is comprised more of bad stuff and not good stuff, and one partner sees the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.
Instead, take stock of the things that were off in the relationship in writing. Jot down all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. Take stock of the things your ex did to hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.
If you have a list of these things handy, when you feel nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.
3. They stay friends on social media
This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a breakup: Block your ex. If you stay friends on socials, you are just keeping the wound open.
Women feel they are being rude and unkind or they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person. They are hoping their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.
When men reach out after a breakup, it is often because they are lonely or feeling guilty and not because they want to get back together. While the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could mean nothing to him. All you will do is keep attached to him, unable to heal.
If a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you. Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person is going to hold you back from surviving the breakup.
You will go through a period of intense pain, there is nothing worse than breakup pain. Then, the pain will fade and you will have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of the pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be right where you started.
4. They keep tabs on their ex
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There are so many evils about social media. The biggest one is being a huge obstacle to surviving a breakup. Like I said above, you can't keep following them, secretly hoping they'll come back or fear they'll find you rude. What's even worse? Actively checking their social accounts multiple times a day to see what they're up to.
Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. They might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what was happening in their lives. Yes, there was pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly their ex had moved on.
Think about every time you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex.
- Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know they aren’t happy either?
- Are you doing it because you want to let them know you are looking at them because you miss them?
- Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine you get when you see them, as shown by the American Psychological Association?
And, when you take a peek, what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.
Remember, no one posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Man men don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keep moving, even if they are in pain.
If you let him know you miss him, you are giving away your power, and he will think you are just sitting around pining for him.
Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know they have gotten on with their lives. Or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!
5. They get stuck in self-pity
Are you feeling sorry for yourself? You've been reading blogs and looking at TikTok to try and figure out what happened in your relationship in the hope it will make you feel better.
It is important to not spend time indulging in your breakup. Stop looking for things to justify your feelings or give you confirmation your ex is a narcissist. Instead, start reading articles and watching videos to help you move forward.
If you devote all of your energy to your breakup and none of your energy to what is next, you will get stuck in a place of no hope for getting through and moving on, as supported by a study in Emerging Adulthood Journal.
Spend a bit more time indulging in finding information to justify the end of your relationship but remember to live a little. When it's time to scroll again, look for things to give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.
6. They spend time alone or with highly dramatic people
Chances are you feel pretty bad about yourself after your breakup. After all, you have spent some unhappy time in a relationship, a time when your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.
You are lovable. You are someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now the relationship is over.
What you can do is spend time with people who love you, your friends and family. People who will remind you of the life you had before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with people who make you question yourself. They only give you more fuel to feel bad about yourself, and that is not the goal!
7. They play the 'victim'
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When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly and walked away from our 20-year marriage to leave me heartbroken.
One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful. My friend looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. Yes, he might have instigated the divorce but I had been unhappy for a long time. I had pushed him away and I had a role in what happened.
I was not happy at first but then, I thought about it, and I recognized the value. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something out of my control, I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.
I wasn’t a victim whose life was going to end. I was a woman in a rough patch who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.
Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop and move forward.
8. They stay single in order to be available 'just in case'
I am sure the last thing you want to do right now is to start dating again. After all, you miss your person and can’t picture ever being in another relationship.
But, you can put yourself out there to flirt and have fun without jumping into another relationship you aren’t ready for, as suggested by a study in Individual Differences Research.
Get back out there with your friends and do the things you like. The things you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!
So, put yourself back out into the world and start living again.
9. They rely way too much on their friends and family for support
You mustn't rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and what's next. They also have personal experience with breakups, experiences they will seek to project on your breakups even if they shouldn’t. They might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.
A life coach is a friend without an agenda. They are not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, they take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you to help you get through your pain and start a new life.
Having an impartial person who can give you perspective on the breakup and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quickly.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now, know you will get through it. You will be able to recover from this breakup and move forward. You have survived a breakup before and you will do so again!
I promise!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.