8 Signs A Woman Has Put Up With Too Much For Too Long And Has Checked Out Of Her Relationship
She will only take so much before she's ready let it go.
pics five | Shutterstock In my experience, very few people set out to ruin a relationship. Whether an affair, financial betrayal or simply giving up, nobody plans to break a partner's trust and risk something that once was great. But when things go wrong or they are mistreated for too long, a woman is much more likely to blow her relationship up.
Eight signs she's put up with too much and has already checked out of the relationship
1. She says she's lonely
If there is one thing to makes a woman vulnerable to having an affair or otherwise blowing things up, it is loneliness.
Human beings are meant to have relationships, both platonic and romantic. When they don’t have social connections, they can become desperate to find one. This is the case with many online trolls, they are lonely and their only connection is the internet.
There are many reasons someone is lonely.
- Emotional abandonment of a spouse.
- They spend too much time focused on work and friendships have fallen by the wayside.
- They are shy and have a hard time making friends.
Whatever the reason, loneliness can make a woman vulnerable to infidelity, as shown by a study in Current Opinion in Psychology. Even if she doesn't cheat, she may start looking for someone else who can meet her needs.
If you're her partner, ask yourself this: Have you abandoned her emotionally? Are you too busy? Are you keeping secrets of your own?
2. She is bored, bored, bored
Nicoleta Ionescu via Shutterstock
If you have kids, you know when they are most likely to cause trouble: when they are bored. When they have nothing to do and are looking for a little excitement. When it's not readily available, they can make wrong choices to cause drama, and therefore excitement.
It's the same thing with adults. If we are bored, we can get ourselves in trouble.
- We snack because there is nothing else to do.
- Watch too much TV.
- Spend too much time scrolling.
Whatever we do, to fill the boredom we do things that aren’t necessarily good for us.
A client of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had always been the stay-at-home parent and he was a huge part of her life. When he was gone, the space was empty. Instead of having him to care for, she had nothing but space. The space she finally filled by having an affair with a married man.
She was no longer bored, but she was unhappy. She may not have blown up her own marriage, but she could've blown up his — and she only ended up more miserable in the end.
If you're her partner, ask yourself this: Have you kept her interested? Have you offered up adventure — indoors and out? Are you asking interesting questions and having interesting conversations?
3. She feels hopeless
Other than heartbreak, the worst feeling in the world is being hopeless. For those of you who struggle with depression, you know what I am talking about.
When we are depressed, we have no hope for the future. We feel horrible about ourselves and the world around us. We might act out and try to make others unhappy. Or we might isolate ourselves, not being able to tolerate the presence of others.
When we are depressed, we will find virtually anything we can to ease our depression. Often, that distraction looks like drama in many forms.
I have a client who was struggling with depression in a big way. She felt alone and hopeless. One day, she started talking to a man at work who was depressed as well. For the first time in a long time, she felt understood. This mutual confession joined my client and her friend. Before they knew it, they were in love and having an affair.
Even if you think she'd never have an affair, she may pick fights or start drama just to get your attention or perk up her dopamine.
If you're her partner, ask yourself this: Are you a light spot in her day or are you disappointed by her mood? Does she feel a need to care for you instead of herself? When was the last time you gave her something to feel hopeful about?
4. She has low self-esteem
Anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem can struggle to make good choices. They may also lash out and be unkind, projecting their own unhappiness onto people close to them.
Or, maybe their partner is contributing to their low self-esteem.
Someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves has no faith in themselves. They feel like they are losers who no one will ever find attractive. They believe they will be alone forever — or stuck with someone who doesn't truly care or value them. They believe they will never be happy because they are the kind of person no one would ever want.
As a result, someone with low self-esteem would be very vulnerable to having an affair. It makes sense. Imagine if you felt really bad about yourself, how you look, and who you are in the world. Then, along comes someone who wants to be with you. Who admires you and lets you know it. The feeling would be amazing and one you would want as much as you can.
If you are her partner, ask yourself this: Do I use extreme phrasing while arguing, like "You always say X" or "You never do Y" even when you know it's not "always"? Do you snap and say mean or cruel things when you're angry? Have you had an affair or commented on others women in ways that might make her feel badly about herself? Even if you apologize, those things are likely to stay with her.
5. She seems to be looking for compliments
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Many women want to feel admired and be told they are beautiful, smart, kind, funny, etc. Many women, especially married women, don’t feel admired, they might even feel completely ignored.
Marriage and relationships often lead to complacency where people no longer make the effort so their person feel loved and admired. A partner might believe they don’t need to tell their partner how they feel because the person knows. Or, they just don’t feel admiration because of unresolved issues in the relationship.
If you are her partner, ask yourself this: Consider whether she may be feeling ignored. If yes, she may be receptive to admiration elsewhere or finding other sources of self-esteem that don't help the relationship.
6. They are experiencing trauma
For many of us, healthily dealing with trauma is something we have little experience in. Therefore, when experience a tragedy, we often have no idea how to deal with it.
Trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can be the death of a parent, the loss of a dream job, a divorce, or the loss of a pet. Whatever the reason, trauma can shake up one's life, and getting through it can be very difficult.
I had a client who was taking care of her mother as she slowly died from cancer. She was consumed with taking care of her mother while watching her suffer. Her feelings were completely overwhelming.
When the parent of one of her son’s school friends reached out because he had experienced the same thing, she immediately connected with him. Not only did he understand what she was going through, he was proof you could come out the other side of grief intact.
A study in the Journal of Family Psychology can help explain the emotional reason she may have been vulnerable. She needed support she needed to manage her mom’s cancer and, before she knew it, they were in love and having an affair. Unfortunately, while the affair helped ease her pain, with time, it only made things worse.
If you are her partner, ask yourself this: Have you stepped up even more while she's been going through her trauma or upsetting experience or are you overwhelmed by her needs when she's struggling? If you have checked out, remember that she needs you to be at your best. If you need to seek advice from a therapist, clergy or coach, do it now instead of waiting for her to do something that blows up your relationship.
7. They have been abandoned emotionally
It's easier to be single and not get love than to be married and be emotionally abandoned. After all, there is someone right in front of them who should be filling their emotional needs and they are failing to do so.
Particularly for women, not having our emotional needs met can make us off-kilter in a big way. We seek emotional connection wherever we can, we want to feel something from someone else.
What could be the best place to access this kind of emotional connection? Perhaps someone else is feeling the same way and is no longer loved by their partner. When two people who have been emotionally abandoned meet, they see and feel, for the first time in a long time, what it feels like to be loved. And that, I am afraid, is intoxicating.
She may also throw herself into deep friendships that meet her emotional needs. While this is mostly great, if a woman no longer needs her partner, emotional intimacy can be lost.
If you are her partner, ask yourself this: Are you showing up for her emotionally in the ways she needs? If not, she may have stopped asking for support, love and connection, which may have felt like a relief to you ... but is not actually a good thing.
8. They are desperate for physical affection
Intimacy might seem, especially to someone who has never had an affair, as the reason why affairs happen. After all, this is how society tends to frame infidelity, it is all about the illicit physicality.
Very few of my clients have an affair because they are seeking something physical. More often, they are vulnerable for all the reasons I listed above and, when they find it from someone, they are happy to eat it up.
Many people might develop feelings for someone but they firmly believe they will never be physically intimate with them. Then, because they get so connected to this person, they find themselves being intimate anyway.
If you are her partner, ask yourself this: While this point is mostly about affairs, any unmet need can cause distance and even resentment — which can show up in all sorts of ways that undermine your relationship. Are you meeting her needs? If not, what do you need in order to get there? Therapy, a conversation, a change in schedule? Either way, this is serious. Take it seriously!
Of course, all women who are dealing with these issues won't fall into having an affair or other desperate, distancing move. They will either live with it or seek help to deal with it, hopefully finding some peace in their lives. But, many women who are struggling with feeling generally bad about themselves and their place in the world are the women who seek solace and often find it somewhere that, ultimately, only makes things worse!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.