7 Subtle Behaviors That Look Normal But Actually Are Relationship-Enders
Some of the love lessons you learned as a kid are actually relationship sabotage.
phototimedp | shutterstock When my first husband asked for a divorce I was shocked. Sure, we had problems, but I thought they were perfectly normal and that our marriage would be fine. Man, was I wrong. It turned out that a lot of the behaviors I'd believed to be normal were the warning signs that my relationship was about to end.
I learned about marriage from my parents' failed marriage, and despite thinking I knew better, I repeated the same mistakes my parents had made. I truly thought I was doing the right things, but I learned too late.
Seven behaviors that look normal but end up being relationship-enders
1. Not putting issues to bed
“But I don’t want to create any drama,” so many of my clients say when I ask them why they don’t work to settle issues that might arise in their relationships. “Whenever we try to talk about our issues, we fight. So we just drop things and move on.”
You might not want to address issues because of the discomfort of doing so, and few people in the world are different from you and my clients (myself included, at least the way I used to be)
But, if there is one behavior in a relationship you could change right now, this is the one. Put any issues that arise to bed, settle them once and for all, and move on so they don’t raise their heads in the future to cause even more stress.
After all, there might be a little drama now but if the issue is settled, there is no chance of it causing drama in the future.
2. Swallowing your words and feelings
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There is significant damage to your mental and physical health by not speaking your truth, as explored in an APA study.
To avoid drama, many people won’t speak up. They are afraid of confrontation and would rather keep how they are feeling inside due to worry about their partner’s reaction. Unfortunately, what happens when we swallow our words is two-fold.
The first is whatever we swallow doesn’t get settled. If you are unhappy with your partner, and you don’t speak up about it, the issue will arise down the road.
The second is all those words and feelings get stuck in your body and fester. If we suppress negative thoughts and feelings, they get stuck in our body and make us sick. It is one reason people are getting so sick these days. They don’t feel they can speak their truths without being attacked.
So, if this is you and you aren’t speaking your truth, I encourage you to try. What is the worst that can happen, usually it is your partner getting angry. Ok, then your partner calms down and things don’t always get settled, but the anger fades.
3. Giving each other a lot of space
When I was married, I was the queen of giving my husband space and taking some for myself.
I loved him, but with the kids, a job, dogs, and a house, I was overwhelmed and needed time away on my own, not with my husband. After all, he represented everything I was stressed about. So I spent a lot of time away on my own or doing things with my friends.
I also sent him out of the house a lot. I knew he worked hard, I was hard on him, and time away would be good. So I encouraged him to get out with his friends and do what he wanted.
I truly thought I was doing the best thing for our marriage. All the marriage handbooks said that space was good.
The problem was I took the advice to an extreme. I gave too much space for ourselves, to the point we didn’t spend any time away together. Over time, our interests diverged and when we did have an opportunity to do something, we didn’t know what to do.
If you and your partner spend a lot of time apart and are perhaps not choosing to spend much time together, it might cause long-term damage for your relationship.
4. Putting the kids first, or the dogs, friends or your mother
When we first had kids, every mom puts their kids first. Every one of us. After all, our instincts to make sure they survive are intense. Our husbands, of course, felt the same way but without the same intensity. For the first few years, it's all about the kids.
As the kids grew, however, some of us stopped putting the kids first and sometimes put their spouses first. They recognized they needed to be more than mothers, they needed to be partners too. So, while they ensured their children were safe and secure, they made an effort to show their partners they were important.
I, however, did not. I was so madly in love with my kids, the idea of putting their father first was unheard of. Of course, there were times when we had date nights and I went to his work functions or we spent the weekend with his mother, all because he wanted to, and day in and day out, he was third on my list.
I wish I could say most people don’t lose sight of their partner needing to be a priority, as suggested by an article in Motivation and Emotion Journal. Instead, they take each other for granted, assuming, no matter what, they will always be there. And, unfortunately, many relationships end as a result.
5. Telling little lies
I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me they aren’t always honest with their partners. Instead, they tell little “harmless” lies, lies that won’t cause any pain or damage. Unfortunately, little lies are not harmless, they can often be more insidious.
People tell lies to protect their feelings. They tell lies to prevent drama. They tell lies out of fear. They tell lies because they don’t want to hurt their person. And while all of these lies seem harmless, they aren’t. Lies, even little ones, can cause permanent damage.
Most people think little lies are normal. Unfortunately, they can be relationship-enders. One of the most important parts of a healthy relationship is truth. If someone is caught in a lie, or someone tends to tell little lies out of habit, then, gradually trust is eroded. And when trust gets eroded, it can end a relationship quickly and painfully.
6. Not touching each other
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For many of us, as we settle into relationships, we tend to stop being as physically affectionate. Much like taking each other for granted and not putting each other first, physical affection falls to the wayside. Yet, a study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin showed that without physical connection, it's very easy for partners to become disconnected and relationships to end.
Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual. It can be a hug. Holding hands. Lying on the shoulder watching TV. A little pat. Quick, easy gestures to tell someone, without words, how you feel about them, and you recognize they are sharing space with you, and you like it.
Do you and your partner have a physical connection? I hope so! And if you don’t, I suggest hugging your partner? Do it! You will be glad you did.
7. Comparing yourself to other couples
We all do it in every aspect of our lives. We compare ourselves to other people, and, more often than not, to our detriment.
Friends whose lives are perfect, or other couples who have perfect marriages and perfect children and perfect families. We talk about how our parents are still madly in love after decades together. And, every time, we hold up our struggling relationship in comparison, believing we are falling short.
Comparing yourself to anybody is a waste of time. Why? Because you just have no idea what is going on with them.
Much like you see every day on social media, people and couples put their best foot forward. They want the world to see them as happy, successful, enviable. Yet, often, their world is not as perfect as they present it.
All of us, no matter how great our life is, are struggling in one way or another. So, if you are at a dinner out with friends, don’t look at the happy couple across from you and envy their marriage. They might be happy but their lives aren’t perfect. They too have struggles of some form or another.
Just focus on making your relationship what you want it to be and don’t try to make it look like other people’s.
I don’t want to paint a dire picture of your relationship if you do some of these things, some of the time. We are all human and do the best we can. But, if you find yourself repeating these behaviors habitually, you might sooner rather than later find yourself in a relationship that is flailing.
So, consider the dynamics in your relationship and make an effort to maintain the healthiest behaviors you can to keep your relationship strong!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.