10 Signs You Don’t Need To Work On Yourself, Your Partner Is The Problem
In a healthy and loving relationship, there are certain things your partner should absolutely never do.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock In the name of self-improvement, we can all benefit from knowing our faults and committing to growing and overcoming them to become better people to the ones in our lives. However, there's a difference between admitting when we're the problem and figuring out that sometimes, especially in relationships that may not be the healthiest, it's not our behavior that needs to change, but the behavior of our partner.
We all want to be better versions of ourselves for our significant others, but we should never take responsibility for someone else's toxic patterns or allow ourselves to be blamed for things that aren't our fault to begin with.
Here are 10 signs you don't need to work on yourself, your partner is the problem
1. You're constantly walking on eggshells
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If you're in a relationship with someone and they're constantly making you feel as if you have to filter your thoughts and putting you on edge about anything that you say, it's not a relationship that is healthy. Someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you will value anything you have to say and won't make you feel as if you have to shrink yourself down just to keep the peace.
Walking on eggshells around your partner can be detrimental to not only the relationship but also your mental health. Some of the things you can consider to help with this are communicating with your partner about your feelings, figuring out what you need emotionally, speaking to a therapist, and even suggesting that your partner seek counseling.
2. You feel guilty for expressing your needs
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In a productive and loving relationship, both parties will want to know what their partner desires from them. We aren't mind readers, and to make a relationship work and last, we need to vocalize our needs and expectations, especially if there's a conflict. If your partner makes you feel as if your needs aren't important or flips the script to make you the problem, then that's a sign of both emotional manipulation and a serious imbalance in the relationship.
"Shamed needs result not only in somatic difficulties but also in relationship difficulties," David Bedrick J.D., Dipl. PW stated. "A shamed and suppressed need does not show up directly but incongruently or even violently in its 'breakthrough.'"
"When this happens, our partners no longer respond to the need itself but to the additional communication signals related to the need’s suppression. These signals show up in our body language, tone of voice, passive-aggressive language, and moods and they can confuse or irritate our partners because they obscure the real issue of unmet needs."
If your partner constantly downplays your needs, the only thing that will happen is resentment building in the relationship, and that's something they created all on their own.
3. You feel drained, not fulfilled
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The right relationship should bring you peace and support, not leave you feeling overwhelmed, confused, or stressed. Your partner should be there to comfort you. While no relationship is perfect by any means, if you feel as if you're giving more of yourself than they are, then there's a problem.
This can look like you always being the one to fix the problem, the relationship feeling more like an obligation, or you're neglecting your own emotional needs for the sake of theirs.
According to BetterHelp, some solutions they recommend for dealing with issues like that is to try couples therapy or simply reconnecting with your partner, validating each other's thoughts and feelings, or if you're too far gone, it might be best to walk away and start taking care of yourself.
4. Your boundaries aren't being respected
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A supportive partner will be aware of your boundaries and respect them wholeheartedly, but a toxic one will push, prod, and ignore because they don't think your boundaries need to exist in the first place. If you're ever feeling pressured to change your mind about something, having to defend your personal space and privacy from them, or you're made to feel small whenever you try to assert yourself then you're not the problem, they are.
"If you feel resentful for going along with someone’s expectations of you, they may have violated your personal boundaries," explained Bryana Kappadakunnel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, while speaking with Psych Central. "Often folks will believe that unless they sacrifice their boundaries for the needs of others, they won’t be liked, loved, or valued."
5. They hold grudges and use them against you
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It's not healthy or productive to hold animosity toward your partner, especially if the other person is working tirelessly to resolve any issues or conflicts that have happened in the relationship. If they're constantly bringing up past mistakes and things you've done as a way to bring you down a peg, then they're making it impossible for growth to happen in the relationship.
It's also not healthy to constantly hold grudges against other people, especially someone that you're in a relationship with. Holding grudges can have an immense effect on a person's mental health, and harboring those negative feelings for someone else will only lead to being exposed to more negative emotions in response.
6. You dread spending time with them
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If you're with someone who makes you feel loved and wanted, you'll rarely be tired of hanging around them and going on date nights. You'll miss them when they're not around, and you'll feel excited for the moment that you can finally see them again.
Spending time with your partner should never be an uncomfortable and contentious experience. If it ends up being that way and you find yourself feeling anxious, tense or even relieved that they're not around, it could be because your nervous system just doesn't feel safe around them and if that's the case, then your person might not be for you.
Even in difficult moments, you should still want to be around your partner.
7. You're constantly questioning your worth
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The right person will accept you for every flaw and every imperfection. They won't make you feel small and worthless, nor will they find it a chore to help build you up on those days when you're looking in the mirror and feeling conflicted about your sense of worth.
If your partner is consistently making you feel as if you're not good enough, or they find pleasure in being the first person to tear you down and point out all of your faults and the things you're doing wrong, they're the problem.
Being subjected to this type of behavior over time will only create a warped sense of self and you'll quickly begin to question if there's something wrong that you're doing, when that's likely not the case at all.
8. You're always being criticized and rarely being appreciated
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If someone is making you feel unappreciated, unworthy, or never able to celebrate your achievements and good moments without them finding a way to tear you down in the process, then that person is the problem and not right for you. A healthy and loving relationship is built on support and always wanting to appreciate and see the good in your partner, not the other way around.
Constant criticism from your partner can cut really deep, and a partner who’s constantly finding flaws in you may have their own feelings of inadequacy due to weaknesses in their own self-image. But even if that's the case, you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with someone who doesn't extend the same respect and appreciation that you exhibit towards them.
9. They don't support your growth
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In a relationship, both people involved should always want to see the other succeed, improve, and evolve, whether it's personally or professionally. If you're with someone who always seems as if they're just uninterested in helping you or encouraging you with your personal growth, and maybe even trying to sabotage your progress, then there's something about themselves that they need to change.
There's nothing selfish about focusing on improving yourself and working to be a better version. The person you're with shouldn't be dismissing those feelings and trying to hold you back. Instead, they should be uplifting you and cheering you on from the sidelines.
10. You feel more alone with them than without them
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If you've ever seen the popular TV show 'Succession,' there's a scene between Tom and Shiv where Tom admits that he wonders if the sadness he feels while being married to Shiv would be less than the sad he'd be if he wasn't with her. While it's a fictional television show, that sentiment is something that many people have probably felt in relationships before, but the reality is, you shouldn't have to feel that way with someone that is giving you everything you need.
You shouldn't be feeling isolation and loneliness when you're in a relationship with somebody else. You shouldn't feel as if you have to hide your true self because you're worried about how your significant other will show up for you if they see those sides of you.
If this is happening, being single might honestly be more freeing than feeling the pain of trying to connect with someone who refuses to let you in.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.