12 Signs Someone In Your Life Is Toxically Passive-Aggressive, According To Psychology
Tips for recognizing passive-aggressive behavior.
AndreyPopov | Canva How do you know if someone is being passive-aggressive? Well, is the person difficult to be around? Do you not trust or respect them the way you wish you could? Truth is, they may be exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviors that confuse the people around them — and turn them off to you.
To make these unseemly behavioral traits abundantly clear to you, I'm offering you a very straightforward list of passive-aggressive examples.
Here are 12 signs someone in your life is passive-aggressive, according to psychology:
1. They don't speak their truth openly, kindly, or honestly
How this shows up in communication is being "assertively unassertive." They say "yes" (assertive) when they mean "no way" (unassertive). Then, they let their behavior say "no way" for them. People become confused and distrust you.
2. Passive-aggressive people appear sweet, compliant, and agreeable — but are resentful, angry, and petty
They're living with pairs of opposites within, and that makes those around them feel crazy.
3. They're afraid of being alone and dependent
This is the case of "I hate you. Don't leave me." They fear direct communication because they fear rejection. They then push away the people they care about because they don't want to seem in need of support.
Why do some people have such a fear of rejection? Psychology tells us that this fear is shaped by personal experiences, particularly childhood rejections from caregivers, which can lead to a heightened sensitivity to potential rejection in adulthood. All the while, they are afraid of being alone and want to control those around them so they won't leave. Very confusing.
4. They often complain that they're treated unfairly
Rather than taking responsibility for stepping up and speaking their truth, they set themselves up as the (innocent) victim. They say others are hard on them, unfair, unreasonable, and excessively demanding.
5. They procrastinate, especially on things they do for others
One way of controlling others is to make them wait. They have lots of excuses for why they haven't been able to get things done.
They even blame others for why that is so. It's amazingly unreasonable, but they do it even though it destroys relationships, damages careers, and costs friendships and jobs. And they tell others how justified they are in being angry because, once again, others treated them unfairly.
6. Passive-aggressive people are unwilling to give a straight answer
Another example of how passive-aggressive people control others is by sending mixed messages, ones that leave the other person completely unclear about their actual thoughts, plans, or intentions. Then, they gaslight you by making you feel wrong when they tell you that what you took from their communication was not what they meant.
7. They sulk, withdraw and pout
They complain that others are unreasonable and lacking in empathy when they expect the passive-aggressive person to live up to their promises, obligations, or duties. Passive-aggressive women favor the silent treatment as an expression of their contempt while passive-aggressive men prefer the deep sigh and shake of the head while walking away.
Both expressions say “You poor confused person. You’re not worth talking to,” when the real reason for their behavior is that they have not, can not, or will not take responsibility for their behavior.
8. They cover up their feelings of inadequacy
Whether they set themselves up to be a self-sabotaging failure — "Why do you have such unrealistic expectations of me?" or a tyrant or goddess incapable of anything less than perfection, "To whom do you think you are speaking, peon?" they're shaking in their boots from fear of competition and being found out as less than perfect. They likely picked this one up in childhood, research states.
9. They are often late and/or forgetful
One way of driving people away is to be thoughtless, inconsiderate, and infuriating. And, then, to put the cherry on top, the passive-aggressive person suggests that it's unrealistic to expect them to arrive on time, or, in their words, "think of everything."
Being chronically late is disrespectful to others. Supposedly forgetting to do what's been agreed to is simply demonstrating a lack of trustworthiness. Who wants to be around that for long?
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10. They drag their feet to frustrate others
Again, a control move is somewhat like procrastinating, but the difference is they begin and appear as though they are doing what they said they would do. But, they always have an excuse for why they cannot continue or complete the task. They won't even say when it will be — or even might be — done.
11. They make up stories, excuses and lies
Passive-aggressive people are the masters of avoidance of the straight answer. They'll go to great lengths to tell a story, omit information, or even withhold love and affirmation in their primary relationships.
It seems that if they let folks think they like them too much, that would be giving them power. They'd rather be in control by creating a story that seems plausible, gets people off their backs, and makes reality look better from their viewpoint.
12. They constantly protect themselves so no one will know how afraid they are of being inadequate
Seriously take a while to ponder this behavior, and if any of these traits describe someone you know, take notice. This may help you may finally understand why you are having difficulties with personal and work relationships with this person.
The good news is that people are not passive-aggressive by nature. These behavior patterns can change with some insights, skills, and relationship advice. And if you've realized a few uncomfortable things about yourself in the list above, what now? Get some relationship help. We all come by our passive-aggressive "stuff" honestly.
There's no blame here. If you read the list and saw yourself, you have two choices: Recognize what's not working for you and change it, or continue to blow it off as other people's problems. Choose the first so you can feel more accepted, loved, wanted, appreciated, and respected immediately.
Rhoberta Shaler, Ph.D., was a relationship consultant, author, and speaker who has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.