7 Reasons It's So Hard To Leave The Married Person You're Madly In Love With
It feels like the most important relationship in the world. But you're being fooled.
garetsworkshop | Shutterstock I have been working with a woman for a while now who is feeling desperate due to an affair with a married man. She's feeling increasingly unhappy, and yet the idea of breaking up with him is scary. There are a few reasons it's so hard to leave when you're in love with a married person — the good news is, you can overcome them.
One way we have been processing why she can’t leave him is by asking what makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most who are having an affair, but the answers always seem to be surprising.
Seven reasons it's so hard to leave the married person you're in love with
1. You believe their promises
My client has been wearing rose-colored glasses when believing what her married man tells her, and it's a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.
Her married man has said over and over he would leave his wife and every time my client believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men believe it when they tell their affair partner they are going to leave their wives, their affair partner is their priority, and that it will happen.
Unfortunately, in my experience, few married men who make such a promise will follow through. It’s not about leaving their wife, it's about leaving their children, wrecking their finances, and alienating themselves from their social lives.
- No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day.
- No man wants to give away half of his hard-earned income.
- No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.
Nonetheless, my client hoped things would be different and wanted to believe his convincing lies. Unfortunately, this meant she couldn’t leave him.
2. You believe they are your soul mate
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My client is 100% percent sure she and her married man are soulmates.
They are connected in ways she has never been connected to before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The physical bonding is amazing. She is sure when the time comes, they will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, as much as it might feel this way, they are not soulmates.
Every person having an affair I have talked to thinks their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.
What happens in affairs is the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates their bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. The couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues, family issues, or career issues, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The bubble is where the good stuff happens so how can they not be soulmates?
My question is always, how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?
3. You can't conceive of ever loving another person
My client truly thinks, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful. Someone who can make her laugh, listen to her, believe she is perfect, and take care of her. That kind of person doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.
The reason loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. She is living for him and the idea she might be able to love someone else is something she can not grasp.
I repeatedly assured her the only way she would ever love another was if she didn't stay in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will open her heart to finding love. And she will find love, but only if she can let go.
4. They are your only intimate connection
This affair is the best loving my client has ever experienced. Of course, having an affair with someone who says they love and understand you will be exciting. Research in the Journal of Comparative Neurology suggests the beginning of an affair always feels good, the intimacy feels fresh over and over. Whatever period my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for each other. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.
Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good, they are really good. When she gets upset about him being married, things are really bad. They fight, she leaves, and he begs to get her back. Every time, she returns.
For people who are in affairs or toxic relationships, physical intimacy feels so good, but why? Because of the makeup rebonding after a fight or breakup, of course!
5. You believe the pain of the break is too much to handle
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My client has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks, then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful. And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain every day when you are with him?
The answer is always, "Yes." Every single day she is with him, she suffers. Knowing he is with his family, knowing his wife and him are on vacation, or realizing none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels of all of it. The pain is intense, which makes her want to break up with him again.
If she could let go of her married man, the pain would be intense, but it would pass. The more time that passes, the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, the pain will continue in a never-ending cycle until the relationship ends.
6. You have alienated your friends
Because she always wants to make sure she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations get refused and if plans are made, they get cancelled.
If she sees her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on about her married man, how he is lying to her, how wonderful he is, and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first, but her friends were getting sick of her going on and on, so they stopped calling.
The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried she will be all alone. Her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.
As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.
7. Your self-esteem has been decimated
When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment, and loved to go on adventures. She had just gotten involved with her married man and felt pretty good about it.
Now, a year down the road, she is a shell of herself and has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes she is lovable and it has torn her apart.
A study in Social Forces Journal helped show that as a result, she believes she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes no man could ever be interested in her. All she deserves is this married man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there is inconceivable, so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.
How can you finally let go of a married person?
Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!
I wish I could tell you my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person, and one person only to make the break — herself.
There came a moment when she couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided she had to be done with him.
- First, she blocked him. She knew if she had any contact with him he would win her back. She knew he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).
- Second, she made a list of everything he did to hurt her, a list she could refer to any time she missed him.
- Third, she kept herself busy doing things she loved.
- Finally, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well, but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.
The key to succeeding was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, and someday she would find love.
Her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out of the relationship, feeling great about herself, and is out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.