5 Reasons Some People Think They're In Love When It's Actually 'Affair Fog'
Real love transcends thrill, but for some, it's hard to see the difference.
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock Falling for someone outside of your committed relationship can be emotionally charged and even perplexing in its intensity. Often referred to as "affair fog", this state of infatuation might distort judgment and create the impression of love. And that's where some people find themselves in trouble.
Is it true love or a passing infatuation? For the answer, people who may be stuck in affair fog need to get clarity and decide whether their emotions are real or merely the result of affair fog. If this sounds like you (or someone you know), start with these five emotional exercises to get your answer and find solutions.
Five reasons people think it's love when it's actually 'affair fog'
1. They confuse 'new and forbidden' for special and important
Affair fog is often rooted in a great physical attraction or the excitement of a "new and forbidden" relationship. If you are really in love, your emotions will transcend simple novelty or attraction. Real love usually entails a deep awareness of the other person, including their dreams, values, worries, and behavior.
What to do: Consider whether your curiosity about this person transcends mere desire and excitement. Do you find their whole self, including their shortcomings and challenges, interesting? Alternatively, does it feel like a surface-level relationship that withers when the thrill passes?
2. They confuse absence and longing for 'magic'
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When you're apart, expectation and longing often drive an affair fog to produce a heightened emotional experience that feels like love. Think about your emotions when your affair partner is not around to evaluate them. Do you consider them a natural partner you can see a reasonable future with, or do they seem more like a daydream and another escape from reality?
Being in love often causes you to be drawn to starting a life together or thinking about how your partner would fit into different spheres of your life, as supported by research in the Clinical Neuropsychiatry Journal.
What to do: Think about your feelings when you are not with them. It could be more of an infatuation than true love if your ideas about this other person seem more focused on what's lacking in your primary relationship, or the feeling is only powerful in the affair partner's absence.
3. They justify breaking their own moral code
When you are really in love, it usually improves your life. Being your best self inspires, comforts, or motivates you.
However, if the relationship is making you stressed, anxious, or guilty, it may indicate an affair fog. Real love should not make you feel insecure or cause you to be caught between two worlds.
An affair fog can cause you to feel covert or out of line with your morals. Think about how having this person in your life influences you. Are you at peace and energized, or do you have conflict and anxiety?
If you are conflicted or anxious, these are vital signs your feelings are about getting away from facets of your primary relationship than they reflect a real connection with your affair partner.
What to do: Think back on how their presence in your life affected things. Ask yourself how your other relationships and general well-being change when you spend time with your affair partner.
4. They have a blind spot about their current partner
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Though it can be challenging, true love often motivates honesty since it aims to prevent causing damage. Considering the long-term effects, if the thought of divorcing your partner for the affair partner seems unattainable or unpleasant, it could mean your emotions are motivated by transient excitement rather than genuine affection.
Psychotherapist Erica Goodstone explained, "Instead of running to a new and different person to assuage your insecurities and fears, take the higher road. Involve your intimate partner. Seek counseling together. Attempt to bridge the gaps that have developed. Face your feelings and your fears and share them with your partner. Sometimes, in fact, it's that emotional closeness that has been cut off making one or both of you vulnerable to outside attention."
What to do: Analyze how your emotions towards the affair partner impact your dedication to your spouse. Examining your degree of commitment to your primary partner will help you ascertain whether you are going through a real love or an affair fog. If your emotions for the affair partner seem to wane when you consider the long-term effects on your marriage, the affair could be more about excitement than actual love.
5. They confuse constant contact with connection
Affair fog usually thrives when you keep the fantasy alive by keeping in touch with the affair partner. A study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests a period of detachment will enable you to assess your feelings free from the pressure of constant connection or the excitement of secrecy.
In a more realistic setting where the exhilaration has faded, ask whether you would still be pulled to the affair partner. It's a strong indication you were more likely going through an affair fog than actual love if the emotions fade with distance and time.
What to do: Spend time away to get a viewpoint. Spending time away from your partner and the affair partner can help determine whether you are in love or caught in an affair fog. Think about what is lacking in your marriage or personal life and ask whether the affair partner is really what you want. Or are they just covering a temporary need?
Real love transcends thrill
Although navigating emotions for someone outside of a committed relationship can be perplexing, knowing whether it is true love or merely an affair fog will help one make wise, respectful decisions. While affair fog is often transient and based on escapism, real love transcends thrill. These insights will help you make decisions aligning with your values and long-term well-being and clear your emotions.
Sidhharrth Kumaar is an astro-numerologist and Founder of NumroVani. He couples his knowledge of modern sciences to solve real-world problems in the areas of mental well-being and relationship growth.