9 Clues That Tell You Exactly Where Someone Went Wrong In Life
Figure out where the downslide started in order to start making things better.
GaudiLab | Shutterstock It's easy to lose track of your happiness, no matter who you are. Too often, we work hard to get through school, to get a job, maybe to start a family. Every day feels like the same thing, again and again.
So, what can you do when you want to break free from this cycle? First, you have to figure out where you, or the person you care about, went wrong in life. Was it a choice or a series of choices?
To help, I've compiled some questions to ask yourself or someone else so life can get back on track toward happiness and fulfillment.
Nine clues that tell you where someone went wrong in life
1. Assess exactly how they are feeling right now
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Have this conversation with yourself, or ask the person you care about:
How are you? Like, psychologically. Are you okay? Are you only pretending to be okay? Are you covering up some serious “not okay”-ness with other things, like anger, travel, alcohol, or shopping? Are you always tired? Are you reluctant to just… sit with yourself? Do you feel like you always have to be on the go?
The thing is — all of us have struggles and worries of some sort. Some of us struggle more than others, but we all have a part of our lives we’re overcompensating for. The effectiveness of overcompensation as a strategy was investigated in a 2022 study on interpersonal relationships that found "overcompensation can backfire and even lead to a further decline of trust."
So. Are you okay? And if not: do you wanna be? And when did you last feel really good?
2. Assess how they got where they are now
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Next, it's time to figure out where you (or they) are now and accept it, even if it's not what you wanted. Look honestly at where you are and do a simple assessment of how you got here, even if it's a little uncomfortable.
Life is very often a series of guesses and checks — we try things, some work out, and some don’t. And if you want a secret, here it is: nobody nails it. Nobody is always 100% sure of what they want 100% of the time.
We all make mistakes. So the real point is: keep moving. What’s your best guess?
3. When and where did they last feel fulfilled?
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I want to make one thing clear: I lived in Chicago for five years, and the whole time I lived there, I told everyone I didn’t want to live there, and that one day I would leave. (Dating serious long-term partners who lived there, though, complicated this. That, and the series of other, smaller excuses I made for the delay.) Anyway, sometimes when I talked about leaving, people would point out, “The problem isn’t Chicago — it’s you.”
And I knew then that they were wrong. And years later, in a different city, and now looking back, I am even more sure: sometimes we are just in the wrong city. Or the wrong relationship. Or the wrong job.
4. Separate their goals from their sources of joy
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Very often in life, we trade in one “type” of happiness for another. We may forfeit travel or eating out, for example, in order to save. We choose one job and turn down another.
We make decisions, and sometimes we don’t eat the marshmallow even when the marshmallow looks a lot like “happiness,” which means we may not feel “happy” at that moment, even though we are investing in eventual well-being.
Very often, people don’t truly want “happiness,” in an amorphous sense, as much as they want to satisfy their other values — support, stability, status, adventure, control, peace, etc.
People often twist what they think will make them “happy” and bundle it into these things, and when they don’t find happiness at the other end of pursuing them, they’re often at odds with it, feeling they have shorted the deal. And for the most part, we don’t give up our real values (like the list above, though it’s not comprehensive.)
So the better solution is to decouple or redefine “happiness" from "values" or "achievements" and better understand how it looks to be achieved.
5. Figure out what they'd sacrifice for real happiness
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Sometimes when we’re pursuing the thing we want most, it looks a lot like sacrifices and patience. Few parents would say the first few months with a newborn are enjoyable, but when they look at the experience of raising a child overall, it’s often worth it.
We need to accept that happiness often requires relinquishing what we hold as our deepest, most-defended needs (e.g., neurosis) and even our identity.
The thing with happiness is that it’s not at the end of ceaselessly chasing things — whether that’s home renovations, travel, brunch, or a new job. Sure, sometimes we do have a bad match. But if we keep running without answers, the reality is that it’s us, and not it.
The dirty little secret is that we are capable of happiness. And for the most part, we are in control of our emotional well-being.
6. Name their lack of self-awareness
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Can you see where you, or the person you are trying to support, has gaps in self-awareness, biases, and are controlled by wishful thinking? Most people don’t, and that's often where they go wrong in life.
Take some time and identify yours. It won't be easy, but you'll probably find the source of your most significant self-betrayals and self-betrayal works with self-sabotage.
Psychotherapist Nanvy Carbone advised, "When you find your life purpose, you can find fulfillment within yourself, regain strength, and gain clarity and self-direction. Most importantly, you can take back control over yourself, not let the internal critic take control of you, and stop sabotaging yourself."
7. Identify what haunts them
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Are you (or the person you're trying to help) facing your demons? Do you know what they are?
Likely, you don’t — most of us don’t. But if you do know that you struggle with something — anxiety, attachment, avoidance, etc. — then: are you facing it? Like, doing the work here? When you look at it over, say, a 6, 12, or 24-month period, are you making measurable headway?
Now, look back. Where did you let the things that haunt you control your life and your decisions?
8. Figure out when they stopped growing
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Ask yourself or your friend: Are you growing? And: do you want to grow? (If no, why?)
We are always either growing or regressing. There is no “stagnant” — at least not for long. The universe is always in shift, moving and changing, and if you’re not using that to your advantage, it’s likely not in your favor.
Look back, when did you stop growing? What was happening then?
9. Determine what they're fighting that they cannot control
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The number one differentiator between successful people, regardless of how you define it, whether it’s career or entrepreneurship or money in general or physique or personality or love, and those who struggle is this.
Effective people, who get what they want and need most in life, are always those who take responsibility for their lives, especially their responses to things. Ineffective people blame things outside themselves.
It’s their parents’ fault. Or their boss’s fault. It’s because “everyone else” is an idiot. Or because they have some disease, disability, or a death in the family. Or, as a study in Psychological Bulletin found, blame can manifest when "Spontaneous evaluations encourage a blame–validation mode of processing in which evidence concerning the event is reviewed in a manner that favors ascribing blame to the person or persons who evoke the most negative affect or whose behavior confirms unfavorable expectations."
Some things are out of your control or other people's fault. When you accept that you cannot control those things, only adapt and adjust, that's when you can find emotional freedom.
Look, bad things happen to everyone. No, not everyone gets dealt the same hand, and some hands, yes, are worse than others. But it still stands true: effective people focus on the end goal and overcome hurdles.
So, when did you stop accepting what you couldn't control? Often, this is tied to a time in your life when things went wrong.
Don't worry, it's not too late! You are always able to start again. And being able to take agency for your responses to things is the number one most important thing in life.
Kris Gage is a freelance writer whose work can often be found on Medium.
