People Who Are Afraid Of Heartbreak Often Develop These 7 Traits
You're hurting your own heart trying to protect it.
simonapilollatnf | Canva Anyone who's been through a breakup knows that finding the courage to put yourself out there and start dating again isn't easy. Heartbreak affects us for a long time and causes us to develop specific traits, put our walls up and act in ways that protect our hearts.
It's natural to want to close yourself off from others to prevent yourself from getting hurt again, but eventually, you have to — and will — begin to move on and open up again. Once you realize what you're doing (and why), you can start the process of healing.
People who are afraid of heartbreak often develop these traits:
1. Picking emotionally or otherwise unavailable partners
fizkes / Shutterstock
If you’re really good at this, you won’t realize that you’re doing it until someone points it out to you. You will find someone that you like enough, but it just won’t work out because of one reason or another — usually, because the other person either can’t or won’t commit.
That’s why they say you attract the right partner when you’re ready. You can’t be ready if you’re too terrified to even start something that could last. Forever is a foreign concept to you right now though. Endings are the constant.
2. Seeking justification for seemingly insignificant things
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock
When you’re scared of heartbreak, or rejection in general, you will feel the compulsive need to get a second opinion on pretty much everything. You will also likely apologize a lot for things that others feel don’t need apologies. Not everyone will understand this, but the ones who are worth it will at least practice patience for it.
At its core, justification is a mechanism to reduce cognitive dissonance, the discomfort experienced when our beliefs contradict our actions. In relationships, this can manifest as justifying behaviors that might otherwise be seen as harmful to maintaining a positive self-image.
A 2021 study concluded that when someone constantly justifies their actions, it can hinder open communication as they might be less likely to acknowledge their mistakes or take responsibility, leading to a defensive posture and difficulty resolving conflicts constructively.
3. Being very all-or-nothing on certain things
fizkes / Shutterstock
Sometimes, fear of heartbreak can put a “yes” or “no” filter on things. What is the point of this if it will not result in that? (There is also an overused Marilyn Monroe quote that comes to mind.)
Love requires balance, which is why this attitude is usually done out of fear of heartbreak.
4. Holding on to perfectionism
Halfpoint / Shutterstock
Similar to the last point, and especially with this generation that favors options so much, you “won’t settle” for anything less than unattainable perfection. This typically stems from the belief that love = perfection.
Chances are you believe that you will be lovable once you are perfect, thus causing this continuous loop of non-perfection and feeling unlovable. Holding onto perfectionism in a relationship can significantly harm relationship satisfaction by creating unrealistic expectations for partners.
Research published by Frontiers in Psychology found that this leads to increased conflict, lower intimacy, and a feeling of inadequacy for both individuals involved, with other-oriented perfectionism being particularly detrimental. This can manifest as constant criticism, difficulty accepting flaws, and a struggle to feel truly connected.
5. Seeking certainty in any way you can
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
Reading the last page of a book, googling the ends of movies, embracing spoilers, etc. If you know how it ends before it begins, you can brace yourself for the impact.
Unfortunately, you can’t do this in real life. It can feel good to exercise control in whatever way possible though, even if it’s all fiction.
6. Playing off pain as a joke
MandriaPix / Shutterstock
The ones who suffer the most pain usually have the greatest sense of humor. You figure, "If I keep laughing and if I keep everyone else laughing, maybe the pain will be ignorable if just for a moment."
Playing off pain in a relationship, where someone deliberately downplays or hides their hurt feelings to avoid conflict or appear strong, can be detrimental to healthy intimacy and communication. This often stems from fear of rejection or a desire to maintain a positive image within the relationship.
2015 research highlighted the overlap between physical pain and emotional pain in the brain, suggesting that suppressing emotional pain can have negative consequences for the relationship overall.
7. Giving your all to that which you know is temporary
Yuri A / Shutterstock
With forever being a foreign concept, you still have a lot of love to give. You figure you’ll have a spree with the few inconsistent things available to love in your life right now whether it be a person, a job, or a place. You will love it as much as you can until you can’t anymore.
You will think that you are prepared for a tiny fracture in your heart when it ends, but you know deep down that you can never be fully ready for any kind of heartbreak. However, that will never be enough to stop you from trying.
Erin Cinney is a freelance writer who focuses on mental health and lifestyle topics. Her work has been published in The Daily Caller, Thought Catalog, and Medium.