11 Signs Your Partner Was Raised By Emotionally Immature Parents
Because of how tumultuous their lives were growing up, people raised by emotionally immature parents often adopt similar behaviors.
RealPeopleStudio / Shutterstock The way we are raised plays a significant part in how we interact with the people around us as adults, as well how we deal with ourselves. Our parents play a critical role in our development, which means that their ability to handle their emotions and interactions with others often becomes the way we handle conflict and navigate relationships in our own lives.
When someone grows up with emotionally immature and stunted parents, there are definitely signs that they have not done the work to heal and learn new behaviors, which can often impact their romantic endeavors.
Here are 11 signs your partner was raised by emotionally immature parents
1. They have difficulty expressing their emotions
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For individuals who were raised by emotionally immature parents, they may struggle with being able to pinpoint and articulate their feelings and emotions because their parents never modeled what that looks like. As children, they were taught and shown that suppressing their emotions is the best way to be seen as strong and that by not hiding them, people might view them as weak. Or, their emotions were often invalidated and dismissed as children too.
Laura Silverstein, a Pennsylvania-based clinical social worker, explained to Psych Central that to build trust and intimacy in a relationship, both partners need to be transparent about their emotions. "The more vulnerable we are, the closer and more connected we will feel," she insisted.
2. They blame others for their problems
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These individuals would prefer shifting the blame onto others for things that have gone wrong instead of looking inward and taking accountability. In an emotionally immature household, their parents may have constantly failed to take responsibility for their actions and may have even shifted the blame onto their children as well. Because of this, in moments of conflict, they may deflect and claim that it's someone else's fault due to fear of having to self-reflect.
Jason Whiting, Ph.D., a professor and licensed marriage and family therapist, explained that "chronic defensiveness" in a relationship will only lead to stunted growth and change, which ends up leading to divorce and breakups.
"Lowering defenses allows people to reconnect and grow. One of the many great things about love is when you get close to someone, you get challenged," Whiting said. "You bump up against other views, and you learn more about your own weaknesses. Hearing feedback takes vulnerability and trust but is an opportunity to learn."
3. They struggle with displaying empathy
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People raised by emotionally immature parents may struggle with coming across as defensive and lacking empathy. Because their parents may have consistently viewed their emotional turmoil as something that wasn't a big deal or were always minimizing their feelings, these adults may struggle to realize that having empathy in a relationship is incredibly important.
Kendra Cherry, MSEd, a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist and psychology educator, explained that having empathy plays such a large part in being able to build relationships and connections with people. Providing some ways that people can respond when someone has a lack of empathy, she heavily encouraged establishing boundaries if the other person is being cruel, trying not to take their behavior personally, and walking away if it becomes too much to handle.
4. They prefer to sweep conflicts under the rug
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These individuals may struggle with confrontation and would rather prefer to sweep things under the rug than actually work through problems that may crop up in their relationship. They were raised in homes where conflicts and arguments were dismissed until eventually, a blow-out would occur. It may have felt safer for them to side-step conflicts as much as possible in their homes growing up too.
When people aren't able to comfortably speak about things they don't like or appreciate with their partner, it can only end up causing turmoil and resentment. A 2021 study analyzed how people in relationships were able to navigate conflict during the pandemic. They found that people were a lot more conflict avoidant during the pandemic, which eventually led to lower levels of satisfaction in their relationships.
5. They have difficulty committing to a long-term relationship
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For people raised in an emotionally immature household, the concept of committing to someone may seem scary and intimidating. Because their home environment may have been quite unstable and unpredictable, they may view committed relationships as something to run from instead of being able to embrace being with someone for a long period of time.
They may be prone to being in situationships and casual flings because it's easier to detach their feelings. However, just because someone is a commitment phobe doesn't mean they are going to stay that way forever.
"If an individual does truly value relationships, and wants to be in one, but is overridden with fears, then, yes, given the proper motivation, this phobia can be overcome," explained Ilisa Kaufman, Psy.D., a Miami-based psychologist. "The best behavioral method for facing this type of phobia is to practice making and keeping small commitments while gradually getting stronger and building up to larger commitments."
6. They are unable to handle any form of criticism
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These individuals may end up getting extremely defensive, shutting down at the first hint of criticism from their partner. Adults who grew up in emotionally immature households may seem criticism as something to avoid at all costs because it may bring them feelings of shame and inadequacy due to how they were made to feel as children.
Not all criticism is meant to harm, and of course, there's a difference between being critical of your partner as a way to hurt them versus talking about your feelings and issues as a way to fix and help the relationship. But, it's all about not being defensive when hearing this criticism.
"When your words, tone and body language are often defensive, it makes your partner feel as though you don't take them seriously and/or are not willing to consider your own accountability for at least some of the problems in your relationship," explained Lianne Avila, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
"This drives a wedge between the two of you that prevents you from reaching the kind of meaning resolutions that bring couples closer rather than driving them farther apart."
7. They have a deep fear of being vulnerable
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Being able to be vulnerable with your partner is something that's incredibly vital to the longevity of a relationship, but unfortunately, individuals raised in emotionally immature households struggle with opening up and being vulnerable with their feelings. They may have a deep fear of judgement because their parents may not have created a space where vulnerability was cherished.
Because of this, these adults may struggle with feeling comfortable and safe to express themselves because of the lack of emotional support they received from their parents.
8. They struggle with respecting boundaries
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Individuals raised in emotionally immature households may have experienced a lack of respect for boundaries they may have set with their parents. Their parents may have been intrusive, controlling, and manipulative when it came to being involved in their child's life, making it impossible for them to have even just a little bit of independence.
These adults may struggle with being able to respect the boundaries of their partner, and sometimes even with themselves. They may have difficulty saying "no" or putting their foot down, and they also may struggle with accepting the limits of others too.
9. Their behavior may be unpredictable and inconsistent
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If you're in a relationship with someone who was raised by emotionally immature parents, you may notice that they have a hard time being consistent with their behavior and may even struggle with emotional outbursts. It's because these individuals were raised in a home where their parents' moods were unpredictable and it felt as if they had to walk on eggshells around them.
Despite not wanting to, these people will create emotional chaos by either being affectionate one moment and then completely detached the next. This behavior can cause whiplash in a relationship because you never know which version of your partner you will be getting.
10. They bring all conversations back to themselves
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One of the effects of a person being raised by emotionally immature parents is their tendency to be quite self-centered in conversations. It doesn't mean they're selfish or refuse to think about the other person, but because they grew up in environments where they often had to fight to be heard and most conversations were one-sided and their opinions were not validated or appreciated.
This ends up manifesting in relationships as them steering all conversations back to them or even interrupting and talking over their partner because they feel the need to get all of their thoughts out as a defense mechanism.
11. They may act childish in moments of turmoil
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When faced with stress or conflict, individuals raised by emotionally immature parents may display immature and childlike reactions because of how their parents would often handle those same types of things. This can stem from shutting down, pouting, and refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Because they weren't taught how to handle stress and ways to decompress as a child, they grow into adults who struggle with being able to handle it too.
In relationships, they may be quite difficult to have serious conversations with, which can be challenging for their partners because it almost feels as if you're parenting them instead of being in an equal partnership.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.