Therapist Shares 7 Questions To Ask Yourself About Your 'Icks' Before Dumping A Potential Partner
An "ick" and a red flag are often two completely different things.
Odua Images | Canva Pro As online "therapy speak" has become more and more common, so too have overly broad, sweeping generalizations about these concepts. Everything you don't like is a "boundary" other people are required to follow even though "nobody owes you anything," and every mistake a man makes is, by definition, "weaponized incompetence."
Lately, we've added a new entry to the list: Every "ick" you encounter while dating is a red flag that means you should dump that loser and find someone better. However, one therapist says this has gone way too far, and many of us are missing out on potentially great partners simply because they fall short of perfection.
A therapist said to ask yourself 7 questions about your 'icks' before breaking up.
Dr. Marisa T. Cohen is a relationship scientist, marriage and family therapist, and psychology professor who wrote a book, "From First Kiss to Forever: A Scientific Approach to Love," about how people can use science to find lasting relationships.
She recently partnered with dating app Hily to give her input into the app's "Icks&Clicks" feature that helps users sort through a crucial quandary: Whether an ick is just a petty bugaboo or red flag material that signals true incompatibility.
Dr. Cohen said there are seven questions to ask yourself when you get the "ick" that can help clarify this and keep you from missing out on something great over something small, or worse still, keep you from overlooking a danger sign.
1. Does your ick imply opposing values?
Maybe the guy you're dating is a bad tipper because he's just never thought that much about it or comes from a culture that views it differently, and it is something he'd easily change if it were brought to his attention.
Or maybe it's because he has an elitist, even bigoted view of workers he sees as below him, which means you're fundamentally at odds. These are two very different things, and it's important to know the difference. "Sometimes a small habit or a seemingly insignificant choice can reveal a person’s core views," Dr. Cohen said.
2. Does your ick signal incompatible goals?
To illustrate this, Dr. Cohen used an example of something seemingly innocuous — too many exclamation points in a test message. "To some, that’s just an innocent quirk," she said. "To others, it might signal that the person is eager to jump into a relationship much quicker than the other side is comfortable with and needs much more attention than they’re willing to give."
She urged that "open conversation works wonders" in these situations — so long as you're prepared for the answer you get to be one that signals it's time to go separate ways.
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3. Does your ick highlight a shift in your priorities?
Dr. Cohen said this is often a situation in which things you once found attractive in the person you're dating have now transformed into "icks." For example, are the cute little jokes you found so endearing now starting to seem like a way to avoid deeper conversations?
Dr. Cohen said these transitions can often clarify that we really don't want what we thought we wanted, and it's important to listen to them if that seems to be the case.
4. Is the ick coming from a changeable habit?
"Sometimes what icks us is a pretty harmless habit, but it’s just so annoying," Dr. Cohen said. She noted that it's important to consider two things in this case: "Why is it so annoying? And Are they open to changing it?"
It might be something that's fixable with a simple conversation rather than deciding it's a dealbreaker and throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
5. Is the ick about a difference in interests?
"Do you get the ick because you think that some interests are inherently cringe? Or maybe you just think that there can be nothing in common between you and someone who likes… that?" Dr. Cohen said.
If you're a person with strong opinions these situations can feel like incompatibility. (Ask me how I know, and to all the guys I rejected in my 20s because they were "too into comic books," my apologies!) But they're often just about… well, being kind of judgmental. Giving them a chance might open your mind and make you realize your date isn't actually the problem.
6. Does the ick stem from difficulties in communication?
Once again, this could be a situation that could be easily remedied with a direct, candid talk. Dr. Cohen said to ask yourself, "Do you feel like you can respectfully tell your date if you don’t like something they do or say? And, maybe more importantly, do you feel like they are open to receiving your feedback?"
That will help clarify whether or not this is an issue you can simply work through or one that means it's time to walk.
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7. Does the ick remind you of someone else?
"All of our behaviors and beliefs originate from somewhere. The same is true of our icks," Dr. Cohen said, and she cautioned that often, our icks are a case of the psychological phenomenon called transference.
"When something your date says or does starts to rub you the wrong way, try to remember where you’ve seen it before," she suggested. "Maybe it was an ex you’re trying to forget? Maybe it was a family member who gave you bad memories?"
These can be tough to get past regardless, but transference isn't ultimately your partner's fault. Getting a handle on whether these are legitimate gripes or something that just reminds you of someone else can be helpful in figuring out whether they're actually a dealbreaker and keep you from missing out on something great.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.