5 Signs Your Spouse Has Low Emotional Intelligence, According To Experts
These behaviors reveal a lack of emotional awareness that can really hurt a marriage.
Getty Images | Unsplash You feel like your marriage is dissolving faster than the bath bomb you dropped into the scalding hot tub. Sinking into the almost too-hot water, you hope the heat takes your relational stress away with the scent of lavender that rises with the steam. All the solutions you attempt fail to end the never-ending disagreements. You know there is a deeper problem, and the problem is not you.
Research shows that couples who've mastered the art of productive arguing will likely stay together for the long term. But that's only if their disagreements are constructive, not destructive. That means each person must be able to assert their view while trying to understand their partner’s perspective, reaching a compromise, and taking responsibility.
Here are five signs your spouse has low emotional intelligence:
1. They struggle to communicate how they feel
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Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and evaluate feelings accurately in ourselves and others. When you’re married to someone who has low emotional intelligence, it can be difficult because they may struggle to communicate how they feel and why, and to understand or appreciate your emotions.
Some of the main signs of low emotional intelligence are refusing to change, disregarding emotions because they aren’t rational enough, telling you your feelings are “wrong”, and blaming you for their emotional reactions. These ways of communicating and reacting to emotion are often harmful to creating authentic, respectful connections.
— Dr. Cortney Warren, Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
2. They have extreme, irrational outbursts
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Extreme, irrational outbursts and the inability to see another's point of view are the typical responses of a spouse with low emotional intelligence.
You may be having a good Saturday, relaxed yet productive. The kids are catching up with homework and housework out of the way. You are having that second cup of coffee, thinking, "This day is perfect. I have nailed it. My family is happy!"
You are feeling so good, you make a chance comment about the kids doing well, and your spouse turns it around, escalates, and, oblivious to your calming voice, continues to prove themselves right for the next several minutes. You have learned that reasoning with your spouse in that state is impossible, so you sigh and accept that they won't change.
— Reta Walker, Ph.D. Relationship Coach
3. They're unable to maintain friendships
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People with low EQ may have a difficult time keeping up with friends, as they are guilty of misunderstandings and constant conflicts. They may come off as abrasive as a result.
— Isabell Tenorio, Journalist
4. They have one-way emotional needs
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The partner who is unaware of your emotional pain doesn't see it because they cannot empathize with another person's experience that they don't share. In a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, you must learn to self-soothe to avoid anger and a stressful break-up and to retain inner peace.
— Susan Allan, CEO of The Marriage Forum, Inc.
5. Their default mode is laziness
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Not helping out at home is just one of the myriad examples of a partner failing at these key relationship dynamics. After all, what is so-called "weaponized incompetence" after all but a failure to either "recognize" or meet a partner's needs and use it to their advantage?
Pretty easy way to disrupt the "harmony, understanding, and connection" between two people, right?
Bad habits and laziness may be annoying, but once that lack of emotional intelligence underlying it all embeds itself? There's often no coming back from that one.
—John Sundholm, Writer and Social Media Personality
We can put in all the work to keep a relationship alive and growing. Yet, if the emotional labor of the relationship is one-sided due to a lack of emotional intelligence in your spouse, the relationship will not be healthy.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can make you seriously doubt yourself and your value to the world. Understanding that the source of conflict is a spouse who is conflicted within themselves, you can better understand why they are so reactive. Despite their complaints and finger-pointing, the problem is not you. Now, who needs a hug?
