10 Phrases You Will Never Hear An Emotionally Intelligent Woman Say
An emotionally intelligent woman knows what to say — and what not to.
Bordovski Yauheni | shutterstock Women with high emotional intelligence can manage feelings and understand how others think simultaneously. Naming their emotions lets them give voice to their internal landscape so they can sit with their feelings nonjudgmentally. They let their emotions move through them without assigning negative meaning to them and express them nonreactively, which means there are specific phrases you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say.
According to Mental Health America, emotional intelligence has five foundational elements: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and strong social skills. Emotionally intelligent people know that they can’t control how anyone else feels. Still, they have a compassionate perspective and consider other people’s emotions, which helps them build healthy, lasting relationships.
Here are 10 phrases you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say:
1.‘You always do this’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say, “You always do this.” This phrase is a broad generalization with an accusatory tone. Emotionally intelligent women don’t use phrases that cut other people down. They refrain from speaking in absolutes, which means they avoid words like “always” and “never” when they conflict with someone else.
Using the phrase “You always do this” reflects a rigid mentality. It shuts down communication instead of opening it up. “You always do this” is a critical statement that attacks someone’s way of existing. As psychologist Nick Wignall explained, emotionally intelligent people don’t rely on criticism to gain the upper hand in an argument.
“Criticizing others is often an unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities,” he shared. “Too much criticism — especially the habit of being critical of others — can lead to the opposite of objectivity: it can make us narrow-minded and blind, especially to ourselves.”
Being critical is weaponizing people’s flaws and shaming them for being imperfect or not acting how you want them to.
“Emotionally intelligent and self-aware people understand that criticizing others is a primitive defense mechanism. And that there are far better, more productive ways of dealing with our anxieties and insecurities,” Wignall concluded.
Instead of saying phrases like, “You always do this,” an emotionally intelligent woman locates her anxiety and expresses it in a calm and balanced way.
2.‘This is just how I am’
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The phrase “This is just how I am” is something you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say. This phrase operates as a defense mechanism, building armor around the woman saying it so she doesn’t have to look at herself and take responsibility for her role in any situation. When a woman declares, “This is just how I am,” she’s automatically saying she’s unable or unwilling to change.
Emotionally intelligent women work on their personal growth to benefit themselves and show up authentically in their relationships. As retired professional boxer and influencer Ed Latimore explained, self-improvement isn’t easy, but becoming your best self makes you more connected to yourself and the world around you.
“Self-improvement is not an overnight fix,” he noted. “It takes time and effort to build new health habits, repair old relationships, [and] create new ones.” While the journey to self-improvement is difficult, holding yourself accountable shows strength.
“Objective growth does not solve emotional problems, but it puts you in a better position to seek help and deal with them,” Latimore concluded.
Personal growth is an ever-evolving process. While it won’t make your life perfect, it teaches you how to meet your emotional needs so you don’t say things like, “This is just how I am.”
3.‘You wouldn’t understand’
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“You wouldn’t understand” is a phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say. While there’s some truth to the idea that no one can fully embody anyone else’s lived experience, we can cultivate empathy for other people. A compassionate mindset requires understanding where someone comes from while acknowledging your limitations.
Yet, declaring, “You wouldn’t understand,” slams the conversation closed. It shuts other people out, making it impossible to feel connected. As Professor Yvonne K. Fulbright shared, “Healthy relationships depend on your ability to communicate your thoughts, desires, needs, and issues.”
“The trick is discovering how to express yourself amid the sea of emotions that can quickly submerge your best efforts,” she explained.
The phrase “You wouldn’t understand” serves the opposite function of sharing your feelings: It keeps people from knowing you, making a genuinely intimate relationship virtually impossible.
4.‘Get over it’
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“Get over it” is another phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say. People with low emotional intelligence often use this phrase to dismiss and undermine other people’s feelings. While holding grudges isn’t a healthy way to enter the world, we can only let go of past wounds when we feel like repair has been made. When someone says, “Get over it,” they’re not holding space for your emotions. This phrase rushes you through the healing process without offering solutions or protections for the future.
You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman tell someone else to “Get over it” because she understands that sitting with their feelings for as long as they need is the first step to moving through them. Instead of saying, “Get over it,” she’ll say things like, “Time your time” and “Let me know how I can support you.”
While it isn’t healthy to stay stuck in the past, the only way to release pain is to let it exist until we’re ready to move on.
5.‘That’s not my fault’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say the phrase “That’s not my fault” when something is, in fact, her fault. Emotionally intelligent women take responsibility for their actions. They hold themselves accountable for how they treat others and make amends when they’ve caused harm.
Using the phrase “That’s not my fault” is a clear sign that someone has a victim mentality. As trauma therapist Nancy Carbone explained, framing yourself as the victim means “it's always someone else’s fault. If you're a victim, everyone else is to blame because you shirk all responsibility and blame others when things go wrong.”
“If you want to stop feeling like a victim, you have to take responsibility for your life,” she revealed. “If you blame life, others, or situations for things that go wrong, rather than looking at how you run away to escape the feeling of not being good enough, you'll stay stuck in this cycle.”
“Living within the victim mentality will continue to bring unwelcome outcomes if you can't change your perspective… It's time to start listening to yourself and examining your habits and thought patterns critically,” Carbone concluded.
Emotionally intelligent women know that self-reflection is part of understanding themselves deeply. They know that having higher self-awareness means claiming agency over their lives, which means they don’t say phrases like “That’s not my fault.”
6.‘You never listen’
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“You never listen” is a phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say. Using the word “never” is a definitively rigid statement that doesn’t benefit the other person from the doubt. It’s one thing to feel like your partner doesn’t hear you or emotionally validate what you’re saying, and it’s something else entirely to declare that they never listen at all.
Career and life management consultant Ruth Schimel pointed out that listening is “a foundation for intimacy and closeness [that] can also strengthen most relationships. As passive and simple as it may seem, listening is a powerful skill that benefits from your self-awareness and practice.”
She advised people to enter conversations with a clear objective and an open mind to become better listeners. She noted that part of honing your listening skills requires you to “Identify emotions connected with the content of your conversation” and reflect them to the person speaking.
This skill “relies largely on the listener's capacity to name and appreciate emotions, as well as to be empathetic,” Schimel explained.
By improving your listening skills, “you’ll open windows and doors to new possibilities and richer relationships in most areas of your life.”
“Your listening is a great, intangible gift to give to others and yourself,” Schimel concluded.
Emotionally intelligent women know effective listening is a two-way street, so they will never say, “You never listen.”
7.‘I’m done with this conversation’
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Another phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say is, “I’m done with this conversation.” Using this phrase closes the conversation before it’s even fully begun. It’s a dismissive way to speak to someone and a sign of being avoidant rather than open to talking, even when it’s hard.
Sometimes, people end difficult conversations abruptly because they’re scared of what they’ll uncover if they keep talking. Sometimes, they declare, “I’m done with this conversation” because they feel triggered, and their fight-flight-freeze response kicks into high gear.
As dating coaches Orna and Matthew Walters revealed, “Everyone gets triggered and their own unique strategy for what they do when they are triggered.”
“Have compassion for yourself and your partner when either of you gets triggered emotionally and doesn’t behave well,” they advised. “This can be healing for both of you.”
“Sometimes, the nature of the conflict triggers a wound that isn’t about the person in front of you, they continued. “It's important to recognize and acknowledge when your wounds are triggered.”
“There's nothing quite like being in a relationship with someone who loves, respects, and accepts you enough to take the uncomfortable steps necessary to repair conflict and create a stronger bond,” they concluded.
8.'You’re not good enough for me’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say the phrase, “You’re not good enough for me.” While emotionally intelligent women know their worth and don’t settle for less than they deserve, they don’t say phrases like, “You’re not good enough for me,” because they build relationships with other people based on respect and basic human decency.
Emotionally intelligent women aren’t trying to drag other people down. If someone isn’t the right match for them, they tell them in a kind-hearted way. They know that just because someone didn’t fit into their dreams for the future doesn't make them unworthy of love or a wrong person.
Even though emotionally intelligent women refuse to compromise their self-respect, they don’t say phrases like “You’re not good enough for me.”
9.‘You ruin everything’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say, “You ruin everything.” At its core, it is a cruel statement that blames the other person for any situation that didn’t unfold exactly as planned.
As dating coaches Orna and Matthew Walters pointed out, taking responsibility for your role in conflict means owning up to your behavior and not casting blame on your partner, even when it feels easy.
“Without responsibility, there can be no real healing,” they explained. “You want to take 100 percent responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.”
“However, you want to be aware of any urge to take responsibility for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions,” they advised. “You're not responsible for your partner. You're responsible only for yourself.”
Emotionally intelligent women don’t say phrases like “You ruin everything.” Instead, they work alongside their partner to find a solution that benefits them.
10.‘You’ll never change’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say, “You’ll never change.” This phrase is designed to cause pain and sow the seeds of self-doubt. Telling someone they’ll never change discounts their efforts to foster personal growth.
We must believe in our ability to change and cultivate deeper self-awareness to truly grow. Author and counselor Dr. Ava Cadell shared the four key elements to becoming more aware: Mindfulness, self-compassion, reflection, and feedback.
“Reflection is necessary to grow and evolve,” she explained. “Looking back at your strengths and weaknesses can help you be more aware of what you do well and what you need to work on to reinvent yourself.”
Self-love through forgiveness leads to a life filled with unconditional love, both giving and receiving,” Dr. Cadell concluded.
An emotionally intelligent woman doesn't discount anyone’s ability to change. She hopes everyone who wants to live more authentically will take action and bridge the gap between who they want to be and who they are now.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.