7 Inoffensive Secrets Husbands Should Never Feel Obligated To Tell Their Wives
It's okay to keep some harmless secrets in marriage.
Getty Images | Unsplash Two partners shouldn't hide stuff from each other, especially two people who are monogamous and intimate. However, your partner doesn't need to know your every single waking thought and moment, believe it or not. There are some inoffensive secrets that husbands shouldn't feel obligated to tell their wives — or won't tell them unless asked — and that's okay.
A little mystery never hurt the romance — and by mystery, I mean mystery, not infidelity, money problems, or other huge relationship no-nos. The two of you should act as a unit, but this doesn't mean the two of you should lose your identities within each other. Think of it this way: if you forget who you are, how can you still be the amazing person your partner fell for? Makes sense.
Here are the inoffensive secrets husbands should never feel obligated to tell their wives:
1. They got hit on at the grocery
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Do you really need to know about every wink and longing look? No. If you do, you're insecure and controlling. All that counts is your partner didn't cheat on you, emotionally or physically.
2. They had an issue at work
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This only matters if your partner is about to get laid off or happened to be fired .... or perhaps if your partner messed up at work. Even still, your partner may not tell you right away or at all until the issue affects his or her job status. Why? Well, pride, essentially. He or she may feel disappointed as it is, so to disappoint you as well? That can be crushing.
Studies highlight potential downsides to not communicating openly, including increased stress, strained relationships, and a lack of support. However, a 2023 study explained that the decision to share should be based on the specific situation, considering the severity of the issue, the couple's communication style, and how the wife might react. Sharing concerns can allow a partner to provide emotional support and validation, which can help manage stress and improve coping mechanisms.
3. They find someone attractive
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We all find people attractive, but do we really need to point it out to our partner? That's a big fat no. Again, as long as your partner isn't acting out on this attraction, it's completely natural and normal.
4. The details of past relationships
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Was your ex a partier? Did your ex cheat on their college girlfriend? Did your partner get severely bullied? Sure, you may know of these things ... or honestly, you may not.
It's not a measure of your relationship but an indicator that your partner needed to keep the past in the past. We can't be judged for what we did yesterday, but can for what we do today. It may be crushing to your partner to reveal such stuff to you and so there just may be some past things that you aren't privy to, and that's OK.
However, hiding your full past from your wife can significantly damage trust and intimacy within a relationship, leading to potential issues like resentment, suspicion, and ultimately, a weakened bond.
A 2023 study concluded that open communication and self-disclosure are crucial for a healthy partnership; keeping secrets can create a barrier to deeper connection and understanding with your partner. Depending on the nature of the past events, sharing information gradually and in a supportive environment can be beneficial.
5. They had a fight with a friend
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This isn't quite a secret but a "no-tell." Why? Well, again ... it goes back to pride and perhaps not wanting to look foolish or talk about something upsetting. Usually, this is the sort of secret that will be revealed eventually when the party is willing to tell the whole sad story.
6. They didn't love a gift you got them
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Your partner may tell you how he or she loved the gift you bought for a birthday or perhaps how much they enjoyed a party or event the two of you did ... but it's a lie. The person may have downright hated the gift or hated the concert/party/wherever, but the secret is worth keeping to make you happy. Again, sometimes it's best to just be quiet and say thank you.
Not telling your wife if you don't love a gift is often advised because it can significantly damage her feelings, potentially leading to resentment and a strained relationship, as the act of gift-giving is deeply tied to expressing love and effort, and rejecting the gift can be interpreted as dismissing the giver's feelings themselves.
However, research published in UC Berkeley's Greater Good Magazine explained that open communication is still key, so finding a tactful way to discuss your feelings about a gift while acknowledging the thought behind it is crucial.
7. They were overweight at one point
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Again, this is something that a partner will most likely reveal but not right away — typically. Why? Again, it's a struggle of shame or pride.
Your partner may fear you will be judgmental or perhaps not view him or her the same as you do now. It's silly and truly shouldn't be kept secret, but it may be and you can't be angry over that.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.