15 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy, Even Though You Pretend Everything's Fine
If these signals sound familiar, your relationship isn't a healthy one.
shisuka | Canva My 30s were a decade of unhealthy relationships. These relationships dimmed my light and made me unconscious of the reality of what love was. While I should have known better, it was still hard for me to walk away.
I've seen this time and time again with women who contact me about their relationship dilemmas and with clients I've coached. If it were easy, more women would leave sooner instead of spending so much time with the wrong guys — and in the wrong relationships.
It's easier to spot if someone else's relationship is healthy or not since you're not involved. When it comes to your relationship, it can be trickier to know because the signs are subtle and can leave you feeling uncertain and second-guessing yourself.
Here are 15 signs your relationship is unhealthy, even though you pretend everything's fine:
1. There is abuse
When your partner is mentally, physically, or emotionally abusive, it is absolutely not a healthy relationship.
2. You make excuses for them
When you are constantly defending or rationalizing your partner's behaviors to friends, family, and most crucially yourself, it is a definite sign the relationship needs help, as reported in the Journal of Family Violence.
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3. You wouldn't let your friend be in the kind of relationship you're in
If your best friend were in the kind of relationship you are in, and you would tell her to leave, it is time for you to rethink your relationship.
4. You keep hoping your partner will change
If you keep hoping your partner will change for the better, and they continue the same behaviors or get worse, it is a clear sign of a strained relationship.
5. You only stay because of the kids
Do you find yourself saying or thinking, "I am only with them because we have kids together?" A review of research on Marital conflict and children's functioning shows how "marital conflicts are stressful for children and increase children's aggression and enmeshment in parental disputes," as published in the Journal of Social Development.
6. Your partner feels like a burden
When you don't look forward to seeing or talking to them, it can make the relationship feel like an emotional burden.
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7. You have contempt toward your partner
You start thinking, "I am unhappier when I'm with them and at the thought of being with them." The Gottman Institute has proclaimed contempt as a relationship killer.
8. You're suspicious of your partner
Being suspicious of your partner and afraid to confront them about it is a no-win situation.
9. Your partner drains your energy
When you feel drained after spending time with them, you are probably investing much more emotional labor than your partner.
10. Your self-worth is diminishing
Not feeling good about yourself when you are with them is a glaring sign of a relationship that can damage your well-being, as supported by a study of self-esteem and perceived conflict published by the Public Library of Science One Journal.
11. Your gut tells you things are unhealthy
If things don't feel quite right between you, it is usually your intuition letting you know to be careful.
12. You don't feel supported
Healthy relationships are all about mutual care, understanding, and support
13. Your relationship feels superficial
Are you only connecting to your partner on a superficial, or physical level? A healthy relationship has depth in emotion, intimacy, and vulnerability.
14. Your communication has broken down
A study of relationship communication in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that feeling you can talk to your partner openly is at the heart of a relationship.
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15. You can't completely be yourself
If you act and behave in a certain way so your partner will like or love you more, you have entered a subservient relationship, not an authentically healthy one.
Note: These scenarios go both ways. For instance, if your partner doesn't feel supported in the relationship, your relationship is unhealthy.
I know how hard it is to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy for you. Yet when you focus on reality, instead of how you want things to be, you will see the relationship more clearly.
Continuing to stay in an unhealthy relationship does not make it easier to walk away. When I left my unhealthy relationships, my love life shifted for the better. So, dare to walk towards something better.
Having the love you want and deserve takes courage. If you've been thinking about leaving and are having a hard time doing so, you may be focusing on what you don't want (i.e. that you don't want to start over again).
When you focus on what you don't want, you will ignore what's wrong with your situation, keep getting more of the same, or not change anything.
Instead, think of it not as leaving, but as walking toward a healthier relationship with someone else. This could mean freeing yourself to start meeting men who are at a good place in their lives.
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse or violence, there are resources to get help. There are ways to go about asking for help as safely as possible. For more information, resources, legal advice, and relevant links visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For anyone struggling because of domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.