10 Signs Someone Is The Problem In A Relationship, Even Though They Pretend Not To Be
It's time they have to change their ways.
JackF | Canva Recognizing your own faults in relationships is hard. It’s hard to see where you’re the one doing something wrong. It is so much simpler to blame your partner and walk away guilt-free than it is to say you’re the screwed-up one who messed up a great thing.
Relationships are a lot of work, and if you’re maladjusted, selfish, and insecure, you’re not exactly primed to be a good significant other. How can someone lean on you when it seems like you only care about yourself? Oh — this doesn't sound like you, you say? Are you sure about that?
Am I the problem in my relationship? If you are looking to get honest with yourself, these 10 signs may indicate the answer is yes and the problem with the relationship is you.
Here are 10 signs someone is the problem in a relationship, even though they pretend not to be:
1. Their go-to answer is “no”
Relationships require not just taking, but also giving. If their default answer is negative, no matter the circumstances, they’re the issue here.
Whatever their partner is asking, even if it is unreasonable or unbearably annoying, they should be willing to have the patience to listen and consider it. When they love someone, they have to keep an open mind. If theirs is closed, their view is likely toxic.
2. They self-sabotage for no reason
If they find themselves in constant fights and their head spinning with chaotic thoughts, they should take a minute to reflect on why they’re feeling this way. What exactly did their partner do? If they’re self-sabotaging and causing problems in an otherwise happy relationship, they’re the ones with the problem here, research shows.
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3. They let their partner do all the work
This applies to everything: work, the day-to-day responsibilities of the household, and work within the relationship. Being a taker is easy, and they may not even realize they’ve fallen into this role.
If they’re sitting around, asking their partner to do things for them, bring them things, and never do anything in return — they're not a good partner. They need to consider what they can do for their significant other. They should try to do something loving and kind, however small, at least once per day.
4. They go silent instead of talking about their feelings
Stonewalling their partner does not make them cool; it doesn't make them aloof; it doesn't make them non-confrontational. It makes them a cruel, destructive partner. According to John Gottman's research, this is one of the biggest relationship killers.
They may hate talking things out, but that’s too bad. If they’re in a relationship, they have no choice. They can’t just say, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
If they’re not being open and instead of hiding in their room, reading, or watching TV to avoid the person they’re dating, they’re the problem here. Nothing gets resolved by ignoring it.
5. They never say they’re sorry
The key to everlasting love is being able to admit when they’ve done something wrong. If they don’t know how to take responsibility for their actions, they can be sure their relationship will fail.
It’s a sign of maturity to apologize when they’ve done something hurtful. If they can’t even say they’re sorry, maybe they’re not ready for a committed relationship — or any relationship, period.
6. They vent to their friends instead of working things out with their partner
Pretending everything is fine when they’re with the person they’re dating, only to turn around and talk badly about them behind their back, says a lot more about them than it does about their partner.
Imagine if they found out the person they loved was actively lying to their face and saying vicious things about them to his or her friends. Would they stay in that relationship? Venting to their friends is normal to a degree, but subjecting them to all of their pent-up rage is extremely unhealthy for everyone involved.
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7. They create drama for the thrill of it
If they’re starting problems because they get off on the drama, that is sick. They might think it keeps the passion alive and the fire hot, but they’re going to burn right through each other and the relationship with immature and damaging behavior like that.
8. They can’t let things go
They might find themselves rehashing the same things over and over again with their partner. It’s likely because they have deep-seated insecurities that aren’t being addressed. If they want their relationship to survive, they have to learn how to move on.
Without forgiveness, their relationship will slowly begin to dissolve bit by bit until there is nothing left but two incredibly unhappy people. If they say they’re over something, be over it. If they’re not over it, they should discuss those feelings and emotions with their partner to find a workable solution.
9. Their partner is afraid to be honest with them
Is their partner unable to tell them things without them flying off the handle? Guess what: they are the problem. Their grudges and inability to keep a level head are not due to their partner misbehaving; it’s because they don’t know how to act like an adult.
If their partner doesn’t feel like he or she can be honest with them for fear of being chewed out, he or she will keep those feelings to himself or herself until they blow up in both of their faces and signal the very end of their relationship. Then they’re both in for a world of hurt.
10. They try to change the person they’re dating but never want to change themselves
In relationships, people should grow and learn from each other. Accepting each other unconditionally is, of course, a part of love — but living, learning, and changing over the years is a healthy and beautiful part of sharing a life.
If someone enters into a relationship thinking they’re going to change someone fundamentally and are completely unwilling to focus on self-improvement, they have some deep-seated issues and disillusionment. They’re not perfect. They’re not fabulous and flawless. They’re toxic.
Gigi Engle is a certified relationship psychotherapist whose work regularly appears in many publications, including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour, and Women's Health. Her articles have been shared over 150 million times.