8 Biggest Relationship Mistakes Women Make In Their 30s
Some advice for the thirty-somethings who are unlucky in love.
Getty Images | Unsplash Let's start strong here, folks: if you don't pick up any tips in the dating game in your 20s, suffice it to say that your 30s ain't looking so good, either. Before you write off everyone for all the wrong reasons, just remember that as you age, the stakes, for better or worse, get higher.
Maybe you're busy fighting societal norms or embracing your inner Betty Draper, but no matter what your status, the truth remains: Your friends are settling down. Some are starting families. At the very least, you're tired of being the only friend without a Plus One to drag to all the parties. What to do? That's a question for another time — but we can help you assess the biggest relationship mistakes women in their thirties often make.
Here are the biggest relationship mistakes women make in their thirties:
1. Repeatedly dating a 'type'
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You have a pattern. Maybe you're happy with your pattern — you're a blissful serial monogamist or a sometime-dater — but for the rest of you who've had it up to here ... change it up!
Change it up. Dare we say, go against your instinct. Date the less-than-dapper dude who might not be the best arm candy.
Try out the shy guy whose sense of humor you have to draw out. When it comes to love, your gut can sometimes lead you astray. Go against the grain; it might end up feeling right.
2. Waiting for everything to fall into place
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It can't. It won't. Stop thinking that when you finally get a promotion, Mr. Right will just stroll on in with a bottle of bubbly and a fistful of roses.
Or when you land the perfect apartment that you can finally afford with west-facing light and enough closet space to fit all of your shoes, the man of your dreams will just wander into your orbit.
Few things in life follow a sequential order, and your love life isn't one of them. "The Universe" doesn't know that you're ready to meet "the one." You have to go find him yourself, and that (usually) takes work.
This can lead to missed opportunities, unnecessary anxiety, and a tendency to overlook potentially great partners. Research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explained that this often stems from unrealistic expectations and fear of commitment, which can hinder personal growth and happiness in relationships.
The perfect timing may never arrive, and actively seeking compatible partners while being open to building a relationship can be more beneficial. Setting healthy boundaries and understanding your needs can help determine when you are genuinely ready for a relationship.
3. Being overly direct
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We get it: the clock is ticking. And yes, when it comes to salaries, martinis, and aisle seats, it makes sense to ask for exactly what you want. But your dates aren't managers, bartenders, or flight attendants.
Dating, getting to know someone, and (especially) deciding if you want that person to be your life partner are all steps in a delicate process that requires patience and restraint. Quite frankly, that applies to being in the relationship itself, too. So be gentle: it's good practice.
4. Holding out for perfection
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You haven't waited this long just to settle, am I right? Er, no. If you're someone who happens to be on the hunt for Mr. (or Ms.) Right, and your hunt has extended into your 30s, consider yourself one of the lucky ones: You're finally wise enough to realize that being committed to one partner does require a dose of settling; it's called compromise.
The key is to hold onto the important things — kindness, affection, ambition, or whatever it is that sustains you — and let go of the more frivolous stuff.
Maybe it means you have to deal with his neat-freak tendencies, or perhaps you earn more than he does. Figure out which "undesirable" traits you can live with in the long run, because nobody's perfect — not even you.
Holding out for perfection in a relationship is a mistake because it sets unrealistic expectations, leading to constant criticism, dissatisfaction, and a lack of intimacy.
Research published in the Australian Journal of Psychology concluded that this ultimately damages the relationship by creating a cycle of judgment and preventing genuine closeness and growth between partners. The pursuit of perfection can undermine the ability to appreciate a partner for who they are, including their flaws, and can hinder the development of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
5. Letting self-pity win
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Yep, another social media engagement on your feed makes a total of 24 this week. Sure, you're entitled to a few moments of self-pity, but after a week of downing Ben & Jerry's, you've got to let go and move forward.
6. Thinking money is the key to love
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This is a tricky one. In your 20s, the idealist in you believed that money doesn't matter. Love is all you need, you (and John Lennon) thought.
Then you stopped living with roommates, and had to pay the whole rent — and maybe you realized then and there that finding a partner with a big, fat paycheck might be the answer after all.
Well, maybe in the short term. But after the vacations have been had, the gifts have been exchanged and the nest has been feathered, what you're left with — besides a bunch of stuff — is a real, live human being with no monetary value.
Healthy finances may make things comfortable, but they won't sustain you through personality conflicts, health scares, family issues, and insecurities. Money can't hold a relationship together — you can take that one to the bank.
Believing money is the key to love in a relationship is a mistake. Love is primarily based on emotional connection, intimacy, and shared values, which money cannot replicate.
Research published in The Journal of Consumer Research explained that prioritizing money over these factors can lead to power imbalances and insecurity and ultimately damage the relationship due to a lack of genuine emotional fulfillment.
7. Thinking every partner is 'the one'
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We know, we know, it's so hard not to. It's your first time staying over his place, he's adorable and you're already mentally designing your wedding dress and naming your firstborn. Do yourself a favor and bring yourself back to the present moment.
Let the relationship happen. Focus on the partner, not the idea of the partner. The more pressure you put on it, the easier it will crumble at the slightest touch — and you know what that means: starting again at square one (sigh).
8. Letting just anyone in
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There comes a point when loneliness will invite itself into your apartment in the middle of the night. Let it.
There'll come a time when it's in all of our lives. Just because you're lonely doesn't mean you should invite your one-night stand to your best friend's wedding, or the guy you just started dating to the holiday party where everyone else is bringing a plus one.
Don't be afraid of going it alone. Fly solo and own it! Desperation doesn't look good on anybody.
Kylie McConville is a freelance writer, editor-in-chief at Apartment Therapy, and founding editor of Romper. Her bylines have appeared in BDG, Yahoo, Bustle, Elite Daily, Romper, The Bump, and others.
Kristine Soloman is a freelance editor and writer. She has appeared in Forbes, Huffington Post, Insider Business, and more.