If You Don't Drop These 10 Mindsets, You'll Never Find Love
Ditch your bad thinking and embrace positive thoughts for a happier love life.
Kyrylo Ryzhov / Shutterstock Let's be honest, not everyone is a glass-half-full kind of thinker, especially when it comes to falling in love, dating, and being in a relationship.
You're ready to love but you can't seem to stop the negative thoughts that it will all go wrong.
You may be wondering, "Will I ever find love?" Well, not if you're wasting your precious mental energy consumed by negative thoughts about love, fears around vulnerability, or struggling with low confidence and self-worth.
If you don't drop these 10 mindsets, you'll never find love:
1. If I really fall in love with this person, I’ll get my heart broken again
Maybe you will, but we all take risks when we open ourselves up to someone new. Think of the potential reward, instead.
2. I won’t find anyone who I like more than my ex
If that were true, would you maybe still be with your ex? The fact that you're not is a sign that things weren't so great.
3. I can’t trust anyone because everyone hurts me
Even if this is true, the past is not necessarily a prologue in relationships. Examine why others have broken your trust and choose new friends accordingly.
4. I will be alone forever
You won't be alone unless you choose to be. Think about your best qualities and let those shine. Now, get out there and meet people!
5. No one will be attracted to me
First, learn to appreciate yourself. Romantic attraction is not only about physical appearance, you know.
6. I feel awkward meeting someone I don’t know
Who doesn't? Chances are, they feel awkward, too. We're all in this together, so show yourself compassion and remember that a smile is a great way to break the tension.
7. What’s the point of going out? I never meet anyone good
If that's true, find someplace else to go. Seriously. Seek a new hangout or go someplace exotic on vacation.
8. I’m so boring, no wonder why people don’t approach me
Again, be kind to yourself. Boring is the eye of the beholder. Stride forth boldly and make an interesting first impression.
9. He won’t love me if he knows the real me
Maybe he won't "love" the real you, but if he doesn't ... move on. It's his loss.
10. I'm going to mess this relationship up like I always do
Yes, there's a chance you might mess it up. You're human. Mistakes are made. But there's also a chance that you'll find someone who makes you happy. Isn't that worth the risk?
Don't be your own worst dating enemy
Many people’s worst enemy in dating and relationships isn’t their partner or the lack of "good guys" out there, but rather their own mindset.
Sometimes, these automatic thoughts race through your mind so quickly that you aren’t even consciously engaging in them, but somehow they take a toll on your mood and damage your self-esteem.
If you want to learn how to have more positive thoughts about your love life, you need to realize that you have control and power over them.
Newsflash: The biggest mistake you could be making is treating your thoughts as facts.
That’s because these automatic thoughts impact your mood and behaviors. You assume that because you think it, it must be true.
But where’s the proof? Do you have evidence or is there a different way to look at the situation?
Teach yourself to take a new perspective
Once you step back and realize that you don't have to agree with yourself, you'll have more positive thoughts.
For example, thinking, "No one is attracted to me" leads to the emotions of feeling down, sad, and lacking confidence. The resulting behavior is to sit at home feeling insecure instead of excitedly accepting social invitations or putting yourself out there.
Buying into your initial automatic thought that no one is attracted to you can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your action is to remain at home alone, perpetuating the thought that no one is attracted to you since you haven’t met anyone lately.
You haven't met anyone lately since you haven't put yourself out there because you feel like no one is attracted to you, which started with the thought that no one is attracted to you.
Always challenge your negative thoughts
Can you see how this string of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can lead to a dangerous downward spiral? Before you know it, you’re thinking, "I’m doomed to be alone forever!"
So how can you get out of your head and feel more positively about yourself and your love life?
The answer is by challenging these types of thoughts and learning to let them go without dwelling or giving them too much attention.
Changing your negative self-talk begins with mindfulness and being aware of these damaging thoughts by catching them as they occur, rather than mindlessly engaging in them or ruminating.
Since many thoughts are automatic and your brain is on autopilot, it may be easier to notice your mood or behaviors, which are clues that you can trace back to a specific thought.
For instance, perhaps you’re feeling really sad and notice that you’re missing your ex and even contemplating contacting him. Identifying your emotions, at this moment, is the first step. Then, rather than acting impulsively and texting your ex, ask yourself what led to this craving.
You trace these thoughts back to half an hour ago when you walked by the restaurant where you went on your first date with your ex.
Aha! In a string of racing thoughts, you bounced from thinking of your ex to telling yourself you’re sick of going out with dating duds, feeling lonely, and worrying that you’ll never find anyone as good as him.
Now go ahead and challenge the irrational thoughts that are bringing you down.
How to be more mindful of your self-image
For example, "I’ll never find anyone as good as him" becomes "There are many good men out there, I just haven’t met the right one yet" or "I’m putting my ex on a pedestal, but really there were a lot of things that made me dissatisfied in the relationship and now is my opportunity to go find someone who makes me happy."
So, if you're thinking, "No one is attracted to me," here are a few ways to challenge that:
- "I can recall being told that I'm beautiful multiple times over my life, I was just never mutually attracted to the other person, so it didn’t go anywhere, but this is proof that other people find me attractive."
- "I wouldn’t know if anyone is attracted to me because I haven’t put myself out there in a while, maybe I need to collect some more dating data before I criticize myself."
- "The times I’ve felt the most attractive are when I’m feeling confident. Things that make me feel confident are going for a run, laughing a lot, and wearing my favorite outfit. I should put these in place first before I worry about how other people view me."
Here are three steps to take as you begin to practice this new mindful technique
1. Be aware of negative thoughts
Use feelings and behaviors as clues to work backward and identify the triggering thought.
With practice, you’ll be able to recognize the invasive thought in the present moment as it is occurring. Practicing a short daily meditation — even a few minutes of deep breathing — will be helpful in increasing mindfulness.
2. Challenge the thought by looking for contrary evidence
Ask yourself about specific incidents that disprove this thought, remind yourself it’s just a thought and not a fact, and ask yourself if the thought is helpful or hurtful.
3. Make a conscious decision to let go
Refocus your attention on something more positive or a distraction.
Without this mindful approach, you buy into your negative thoughts without stopping to think that there’s another way to live your life, and it’s with more compassion, self-kindness, and positivity.
Since you are used to mentally beating yourself up, it may be difficult to reframe your thoughts. A helpful trick is to pretend you’re talking to your friend.
Would you blame your friend and berate her, or would you help her look on the bright side?
In my work with clients, I have them participate in an exercise in which I ask them to identify their biggest dating and relationship fears.
We label these negative thoughts as "lies" and mentally reframe them as "truths."
Here are responses from my 44-year-old single, female client:
- Lie: "I will always fall for a guy that won’t commit."
Truth: "There is someone out there who will have a connection with me and will want to marry me." - Lie: "I’ll be interested in him, but he won’t be interested in me."
Truth: "I can focus only on the people who put in the effort to date me and make me a priority." - Lie: "I’m too old and he won’t be physically attracted to me."
Truth: "I am beautiful and there are lots of men who find me attractive." - Lie: "Sex for the first time will be bad or awkward."
Truth: "Sex for the first time with a new guy can be fun!"
Practicing this mindful approach by tackling your negative self-talk will decrease your pessimistic and catastrophic thinking and allows you to get out of your own way and embrace a healthier, more positive mentality when it comes to dating, relationship, and life in general.
Samantha Burns is a licensed counselor, dating coach, and the love guru behind the free worksheet Reframing My Negative Thoughts About Love.