Psychology Says This Simple Act Of Kindness Is Key To Keeping Marriage Alive
It's not the jewelry gifts or lavish vacations that keep people together for a lifetime.
RgStudio | Canva Too often, couples see each other as adversaries. They keep score of each other's good (and bad) deeds or try to be the power partner, taking a quid quo pro approach to their marriage. She does something nice only if he does something nice and vice versa. Couples forget that commitment means you're on the same team, and that means growing connection together.
One great way to do that? Simple daily acts of kindness passed back and forth without keeping score. In fact, research from the National Marriage Project looked at relationship quality, maintenance, and happiness and discovered that everyday acts of love can lead to a happier, healthier, and stronger relationship, even more than big gestures like romantic getaways and expensive jewelry.
Tiny kindnesses that show your partner you truly see and know them mean the most
For example, I make my husband lunch to bring to work every morning. I don't expect anything in return except the heart-felt "thank you" and the smile on his face on his way out the door. He does similar, small-but-sweet things for me daily, too.
What's your spouse's love language? What small acts of kindness can you do that adequately address your love languages?
These small kindnesses demonstrate you're committed to him and your relationship, as shown by research in the Emotion Journal.
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A few tiny ways to show love with big results
Love notes
A favorite in my book is putting love notes in lunch boxes and underwear drawers. I also appreciate that JB texts me when he gets to work safely and lets me know he's on his way home.
Use your manners
Please and thank you go a long way in daily life and help cement your bond.
Physical contact
Physical contact, including holding hands, hugs, and kisses, all promote a deeper sense of intimacy. Side-by-side activities, like sitting on the couch next to each other, reading books, or watching TV, are also small ways to create a deeper sense of togetherness.
Use your unique gifts and skills
A retired Naval officer, JB wore uniforms for thirty years and knows nothing about fashion. I worked in a small boutique in college, so I matched ties and shirts to his suits for him. JB has the patience of a saint and happily pulls weeds, which I find incredibly boring.
Show that you recognize their likes and dislikes
This can include picking up a favorite food item they like (that you don't!) or them watching a movie you prefer. The Gottman Institute explores how this can be accomplished without succumbing to people-pleasing behavior.
Give them what they need, socially
Extroverts, for example, need to talk things out, while introverts need quiet time to recharge. Can you provide the type of support for your partner, even if it's the opposite of your natural needs?
Surprise them
Maybe it's creating a romantic space or picking up tickets to a concert by their favorite performer.
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I've had girlfriends tell me I'm spoiling my husband, JB, by making his lunch or that I'm taking us back to the 50s and channeling June Cleaver. But that's not what our little morning routine is about. What I'm doing is beginning our day in this life together with a love nugget.
While it's something of an outdated term, "love nugget" is a timeless concept: a small, everyday gesture for your partner.
You deserve a healthy and strong relationship. Go ahead and plan a romantic getaway and send flowers for her birthday, but remember, small acts of kindness are another (easier) way to enhance your love.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author.