9 Little Ways Married Couples Can Rekindle That Bedroom Spark
Have things been boring in the bedroom lately?
Susannah Townsend | Canva They say intimacy is like riding a bicycle: once you know how to do it, you never forget. While I agree with that statement in theory, I've come to understand that the actual "doing" isn't as simple. You see, most of my clients are over the age of forty-five and are what society calls "midlife." They often begin working with me due to a major life shift: a divorce, an empty nest, or a career change. Though they may have enjoyed an active intimate life in their twenties or thirties, those major life shifts have put them in a bit of a dry spell. What we lacked in bedroom skills in our twenties we were able to make up with unbridled enthusiasm. But, let's be honest: who wants to fumble around awkwardly in the bedroom now that we're adults? If you want to become a better lover — and enjoy doing it more — it's time to brush up your skills and go back to school.
Here are 9 little ways married couples can rekindle that bedroom spark:
1. Be ready and willing to learn something new.
You're more likely to actually learn something exciting when you make a decision to be open, willing, and curious. You may think you know enough about intimacy, but I promise you, there is still a world of new information to explore. And the reward for your willingness is a happier and more fulfilling love life (for both you and your partner).
2. Read books to get to know your partner more intimately.
Though you may understand the basic mechanics of intimacy, do you truly understand how arousal and climaxes actually happen? Do you have a clear understanding of the anatomy of both the male and female body? If you want to be better in the bedroom, then seek to master an intellectual understanding of how pleasure and the human body really work. (This goes for both genders, by the way. School is in session for both of you.)
3. Don't take adult movies so seriously.
Adult videos are pretty commonplace and easily accessible online these days (you no longer have to go to a seedy shop on the other side of town to rent a movie). But though it can be a great way to explore your fantasies and get some ideas for your intimate life, don't mistake the intimacy in the videos for how it works in real life. While the actors are actually being intimate on screen, remember that they are still actors. Their responses and levels of enthusiasm are rarely accurate or authentic. It is meant to be a visual stimulant, not a how-to guide.
4. Understand that intimacy all starts with the mind.
The psychology of intimacy has always fascinated me, but most of my clients have confessed to not really thinking about it. Intimacy truly begins in the mind, so get a better understanding of how your own mind works when it comes to it. What mentally arouses you? Not only what type of touch do you prefer (hard, soft, gentle, rough, or a combination) but what kind of conversation, environment, etc. help you get in the mood? Talk to your partner. What's attractive to him? What makes her feel desired?
5. Get to know yourself intimately, too.
Before you jump into action with your partner, begin by experimenting with your own body. Touch it. If you're feeling a little unsure about this whole process, begin by gently (and then firmly) exploring parts of your body you may not see as erotic, like your forehead and ears. Move on to places where your body naturally joins parts, like your armpits and hip creases. Then, explore the intimate parts of your body. Take a good look at your body in the mirror. Examine your body in an unaroused state. Then, arouse yourself and see how your body changes. Touch yourself with a mirror and watch how your body reacts. Don't skip parts you may see as "dirty." There are pleasure centers hidden all over your body. Have fun finding and exploring them.
6. Practice being intimate often.
Please trust me when I tell you that the more you practice, the better you'll get (and the more comfortable you'll feel). And you'll definitely learn more if you allow yourself the time to not only do the work but also truly understand it.
7. Tell your partner what you like (and what you don't).
Textbook lessons aren't enough, you need some practice time in "the lab," also. So grab your study buddy and get curious together. Now that you understand your own body, communicate with your partner about your discoveries. Show them how you like to be touched. Tell them what feels good and what you want to experience.
Then, take a good look at your partner's body. Though everyone has the same parts, everybody is still unique and your partner's body will be different from the photos in books (and that's okay). Ask your partner what they like about intimacy (and what they don't), and how they like to be touched (and don't). Don't assume you know. Also, understand that self-expression around the topic of intimacy can be very difficult for some people, especially if raised to believe it is "a sin," "shameful" or "dirty." Be patient. Listen with love. Taking notes is optional.
8. Enjoy the moment.
Intimacy is meant to be enjoyed and savored. If you rush toward a result with only one objective in mind — a climax— you're going to miss a lot of pleasurable discovery and moments of connection along the way.
9. Be a lifelong learner.
Once you get the basics down, consider advanced studies to keep elevating your love life to new heights. Experiment with different positions. Dabble in some light bondage. Explore your fantasies (and your partner's). Midlife is a fabulous time to push our boundaries. Look at this midlife back-to-school time as an adventure, not a destination. Being a lifelong learner when it comes to your love life means that you're willing to continue to explore, adapt, try new things, and adjust how you relate to your body, your partner, and to the world. Don't buy into the hype that menopause or midlife means the end of your love life. That's nonsense. You can have an active and rewarding intimate life well into your eighties if you desire. So study up!
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author whose work has been published in TIME, Huffington Post, MSN, Psychology Today, and more.