Why The Smallest Acts Of Love Make The Biggest Impact On Relationships
Little acts of kindness are often what matters most.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A / Shutterstock There are some pretty obvious aspects of a healthy relationship, like being openly loving and kind to your spouse. But many people may not realize the subtler, smaller acts of kindness and love play an even bigger role in keeping a relationship strong.
For example, in my marriage, every morning while my husband gets ready for work, I head to the kitchen to start the coffee and make his lunch. Once he’s out the door, I pour my first cup and begin my day in earnest.
This kind act is a core part of my morning routine — and no, I haven’t gotten stuck in a time warp from the 1950s.
This is a conscious choice I’ve made in support of nourishing one of my most important relationships.
Trust me when I tell you that I’ve heard all the arguments against this sacred part of my morning.
I’ve heard the snide comments that I’m “spoiling” him. I’ve seen the eye rolls when he mentions this part of our day to his sisters. I know that women have fought hard to get out of the kitchen and away from being seen as nothing more than “the little woman.”
The opinions of all those outside my relationship don’t matter.
What I know for a fact is that little acts of kindness matter in the big scheme of things when it comes to relationships.
Multiple studies on the impact of kindness on happiness in relationships back up my intuition.
Results of one study of more than 4,000 couples found that everyday acts of love can lead to a happier, healthier and stronger relationship, even more than big gestures like romantic getaways and expensive jewelry.
One thing that really bothers me about modern-day couplehood is the way people in committed relationships see each other as "you vs. me."
What I mean is that people seem to keep score, with good deeds rewarded and acts deemed as “bad” getting punished in some way. It’s almost as if people have been taught that if one person does something deemed "extra," there must be a quid pro quo of equal or grander acts.
And let me say that folks can be downright stingy with their love.
One of the most common areas this plays out in intimate relationships is in the bedroom, by using intimacy as a reward for good deeds or as a punishment for bad ones by withholding it. This is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship.
Assuming you are in a monogamous relationship: Why would you choose to bring marriage politics to the one action reserved just for the two of you?
This pitting of people against each other does nothing to foster intimacy — nor does one partner meting out reward or punishment strengthen the bonds of affection.
When partners become adversaries, it destroys intimacy and trust.
My first marriage was one of reward and punishment. If I didn’t do exactly as my husband wished, he would "stonewall" me for days or even weeks and never speak to me.
After disentangling myself from that (along with lots of therapy and coaching), I made the decision that if I couldn’t be in a healthy relationship, I’d rather be alone.
And my view of healthy committed relationships involves a couple being on the same team.
There is no way that any two people living together can agree on everything all the time. There will always be moments of conflict or disagreement. But in my book, each person chooses to be all-in and commits to working through whatever arises.
This is why little things matter.
When your partner makes you so mad you could spit nails, it’s easier to deal with your anger when you recall the times he’s fixed you that cup of tea when you were feeling stressed, or jumped in and done the dishes when dinner is over.
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Though keeping score is unhealthy, each one of us can’t help but have a "love bank." All parties to the relationship have to make more deposits than withdrawals, so to speak.
My prepping of lunch each morning is just one of the examples of my own acts of loving kindness, but there are others, too.
Whenever I share this — or any other example — of the little things I do to make his life easier and am met with an incredulous, “Why would you do that?” I counter with, "Why wouldn’t I?” In what way is it good for me to not be loving and supportive? Why wouldn’t I choose to spoil the man I love? What value is there in me not sprinkling the life of a person who loves me unconditionally with lots of loving kindness?
Look, I know that everyone has a full plate of responsibilities. And yeah, making lunch for your partner takes time. And yep, I am well aware of the fact that we’re talking about adults here. JB is perfectly capable of making his own darned lunch, but my choice to do it is a way I can send him off each morning feeling loved.
And let’s be honest here: Doing little things to make his life easier makes me happier.
There is joy in kindness. There is a sense of pride in acts of caring.
Small gestures of affection remind me that I'm an active contributor to the overall health of our relationship. Those love nuggets I generously sprinkle in his life return to me tenfold in my own sense of satisfaction in my daily life.
What I’ve learned the most from this approach to intimate relationships is that the choice to nurture my partner nourishes my own soul.
Though I’m thinking mostly about my partnership with JB, this is a concept you can apply to all of your relationships. The relationships with your children and other family members. Your relationships with friends and colleagues.
You are always in a state of choice. You can choose a loving act or not. You can choose to be stingy, too. But where does being stingy get you in any of your relationships?
Consider these questions when it comes to kindness in your relationship:
- What possible advantage is there to being stingy with your love and affection?
- Is withholding nurturing exacting a cost on your relationship?
- What value is there is withholding affection?
- Are you using sex as a reward or punishment? What is the reasoning behind that choice?
- Why wouldn’t you show the person you love and cherish that you care?
- What does generosity cost you?
- If you play games so that you “win” in your relationship, what are you also losing?
- How can small acts of kindness nurture your relationship?
- In what ways can love nuggets help you create a daily life you love?
- How might choosing to see doing little things for your partner make you happier?
- What tiny gestures can you make to ensure your loved one has an easier day?
- How might you be sabotaging your relationship by keeping score?
- What seemingly small tasks does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
- Can you think of ways you’ll be happier when acting from a space of love?
When it comes to any relationship, you can never go wrong when you choose love and kindness.
Choosing to care for your partner will help your relationship thrive. Because nurturing your relationships will always assist you in creating a daily life that feels loving and nourished.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author.